Well, I had the pleasure of joining a pack. Albeit it's online, but it's a place where I can be myself as myself without anyone knowing of my past. Of my human life. At least not any more than I care to share. There I can be M157 without anyone judging. A legitimate place to hang out in all of my awkward android glory. It's just great really. I don't know what I'd do without it. Surely I can continue to write drabbles about the mental state of being this way but sometimes it's not really enough. I want to interact with others as this form, and now I can. It's fantastic. Not to mention I've recently become the pack archivist. Learning things has always been a major interest of mine and to think I'll finally have an opportunity to do it. I'm rather grateful for the pack even though I admit, there are a few people I will remain leery of, but that's just life in any form really.
Mar. 30th, 2012
Forgive me for caring. I cared too much and somehow not enough. I'll never be enough for you. Never quite feel strong enough. I know the nature of my feelings for you were outside of the norm. There was no way I was going to be able to conform to normal romantic expectations. ..Not to mention societal beauty expectations. I don't even present as a woman..not do I identify as one. Why would anyone bother to get involved with me? I don't know, no one has as of yet. And I genuinely don't expect anyone to. Forgive me for wanting to not feel alone, for wanting companionship. For caring about the idea of a platonic partnership where we'd share damn near everything and more. I..I don't know what to do anymore. It seems like it's entirely too much for me to want to have someone to rely on by my side. To send silly and sometimes questionable texts, to be affectionate, to accompany each other on all kinds of adventures. To hold hands and maybe be held. To lie on our backs spouting out the most random of ideas from everywhere. I guess it is too much, I don't know how I would explain this to anyone in the first place. I wouldn't be able to work up the nerve. That's what happened this past time..and many times before. And when I was able to say how I felt, rejection followed. It hurt more at the time..because I'm certain I felt stronger then. But now I don't, it hurts but it's not a romantic kind of hurt. It's a doomed to be barely friends kind of feeling. And it is quite a bother to experience. The things I would do for some kind of connection with someone in the way I dream about. I wouldn't care if it was long-distance or strictly online or whatever. Just to accept me and all my eccentricities and I would do the same for them. To have a desire fulfilled, it's a just a wish the mind makes.
Rereading a lot of these works that I've written, specifically those that explore machinekin part of my mentality, I get this kind of reawakening. I've been dwelling in a "human" mindset for a while. If only to keep discreet about the android nature. I've been expressing it in other ways so no fear that it'll actually dissipate. It's just that for some reason in spite of the rain that is actually going on, the feeling of seeing things that I know I shouldn't has returned. Maybe it's just an overly vivid imagination but I can see the colors of the accelerated lights that persistently pass my by. It's like I have a vision into another view, another realm where things are progressing quickly and relatively peacefully. Sure there is conflict, I can't say that I've really thought of perfect utopia, ..it just turns into dystopia for one reason or another. Nonetheless, I see this really advanced world in such great detail and then to realize the circumstances the form that I currently have, and the world that I inherent as a result of that form is rather unfortunate. Hmm if anyone really thinks that I'm making this up.feel free to chalk it up to a vivid imagination, I don't really mind it all that much. It's probably better for you to operate off of that if you don't care to learn about the things that I think about on a regular basis. Oh well.