Jun. 18th, 2013


Jun. 18th, 2013 10:42 pm
demacrux: (Default)
 If what I might have for you was simply aesthetic, this wouldn't be a problem. I could live with just finding you attractive. I find plenty of people attractive. And I'm comfortable not acting on that vague sense of..hmm you're good looking. But alas, with you.. this is not the case. But do I have any basis for possibly being curious about more? I've haven't gotten the chance to spend time much, you're not often around. Understandably so, you're still trying to recover from recent events. And for that..I wish you the best of luck. I'm sure that you'll be fine. I wish I could say if you ever needed anything from me, feel free to ask. But I don't want to be pushy. Ah so much, I dread that. 

..Still, how can I know this weird thing is not fleeting if I don't talk a bit more than a brief greeting. If we don't share some time over coffee. If I don't play any records for you. Or even better..perform a song myself. Piano and voice, I don't do it often..but I would for you. I don't know why, and it annoys me a little. Because I fear that this will have been fleeting without any sort of a chance to bloom. Then again, perhaps it would save me from being shot down in a way I can never see myself prepared for. Maybe we just don't have much to say. And yet.. I don't think that's true. I've enjoyed your company before and you've..mine. I want to see more of your land..and not just for business, and maybe just maybe you'd like to see mine. 

How can I know you better..when I have so little opportunity. And the windows are so brief, it is barely a whisper I get by. How can I make an attempt with these anxieties that leave me totally dry. The reserve, reluctance..the tendency to overthink. It'll all be the ruin of me before I even begin to speak. How could I ever solidify whatever us lurking here when I just don't know when you'll be near.

Perhaps I should seek another. But I'm not good at that. Aesthetics is different from a sincere interest, and that is a definite fact. I don't know if I like waiting, but I'm sure that is something I'll do. If I ever get the chance to make learn more about you. The past you're willing to admit, I can maybe open up a bit of mine. Or we could just move towards the future when those memories in the back of our mind. I don't quite know why but before I'm through, I can't help but imagine taking a stroll with you. In the evening with the stars fill the night sky..and maybe we'll sit by the water and occasionally glance into each other's eyes..hah..it all sounds quite silly and yet all too real. The things that my mind conjures up based off of this rather ambiguous feel. 

Making a move in this department, all I know..terrifies me so much more than I can adequately show. I don't what I'm saying anymore, I feel..I worry that I'm simply too much of a bore. A dry man ..very hidden passions, reluctance (and or disinterest) in physicality..no ..who could be drawn to that. It does make anything in my head any less true. I loathe this, I am not sure if I ever will admit this but I would certainly give anything a try with you.
demacrux: (Default)
 Compromise, in most cases this was a word Eduard was rather familiar with. And not entirely opposed to it. While he would prefer some arrangements on his terms, he knew how effective a good compromise could be. Especially when there was no other way for him to get anything good out of the treaty. Not without resorting to means that didn't seem to be worth the effort. So in work, compromise not a bad idea. 
..But he was starting to think about another compromise that he would have to be willing to make. At least he thought he would have be willing to make..if he wasn't going to be alone for at least a time in his existence. Navigating the ways of a feelings that he hadn't really bothered to pay attention to, the Estonian found that his sense of attraction wasn't exactly the usual. The drive try and get physical with someone wasn't there and the idea of finding someone attractive in a way that would lead him to want to seek out that kind of closeness was unfamiliar to say the least. And the more he observed the conversations among his fellow nations about such topics, the more he found that his lack of interest wasn't exactly par for the course. 
This wasn't exactly a comforting thought as one could guess. Already having some anxiety about seeking intimacy but uncertain how to pursue it, now he wasn't sure if he should even try at all.  The thought that he would maybe have to try and enjoy an act that he was at best indifferent about for the sake of maintaining a relationship filled him with dread. Not to mention the idea of maybe letting whoever this partner seek someone else out for their needs saddened him in ways that he wasn't sure how to express. Besides that's just if he ever ended up with anyone again in the first place.  These compromises had him shying away from expressing his feelings several times before and he can't help but think that it would happen again.
Oh, how he wished there was someone he could talk to about this situation. Eduard didn't think he knew anyone who could really relate to this acknowledgement of his lack of attraction in a sexual sense and his anxiety about driving others away because of it. Not that purposely trying to keep away from people was helping in any way whatsoever. But avoiding the situation altogether was the only thing he knew that he could do for the time being. 
The whole matter was almost enough to make him relieved that his last relationship hadn't reached that part before a sudden disappearance. But no, he couldn't bring himself to feel that way especially not when he remembered how good it felt to have someone like that and how much he would give to experience the closeness again.  Still, he couldn't help but wonder how much would he give..what kind of compromise would be required for him? Would it be painful ..? Discomfiting? It's not like he hadn't participated in such intimacy before..but it was so long ago that he wondered if it even counted anyways. 
All of this had him wanted to just give up the ghost in regards to that. Besides, he had other things to worry about. 
Nonetheless,there was a shatter inside just considering all of this. And he didn't really want to know what exactly that shatter was. 

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