Wonder

Nov. 15th, 2012 04:15 pm
demacrux: (Default)
[personal profile] demacrux

 
I can't help but wonder. The holidays are coming fast, and I have to be ready for my friends. I have the gift list prepared and a special account for the money I set aside specifically for buying gifts this season. I always do, I like to be prepared and have enough. And maybe if these items are on sale, I have some left over. Works for everyone. But the holidays.. I don't really know how much I anticipate them. Of course, I go to the celebrations that my people put on, Christmas markets and trees and all. It's a rather nice sight I can't help but admit. But knowing that my people will go home to their families and have time together reminds me that ..I really can't go with them. Too much at risk for that, so it's returning to an empty house. Playing traditional and seasonal music and cooking. Sure friends may stop by and maybe it would be better for me to spend the day elsewhere at least after seeing the usual sights. I have no idea where though. None at all. And somehow this really worries me. I can't say I haven't had bad spells over the holidays, but I manage to get through them fine. So I'm going to be alright..But I want to have plans. I do, I really do. 
 
 
I wonder what it's like to be loved. Consistently. I guess one could say I've known the feeling, but it feels like I've forgotten it completely. That was how brief the moment of knowing the feeling was. And though it's relatively recent, there's been enough time where I've recovered from the loss. If only feeling like I've barely grasped something to let it fall out of my hands so suddenly. 
 
I wonder about families. Can't have a normal one of course, that's the condition of who I am. That's fine with me. But there are some with families or at least family-like bonds that are pretty interesting to see. Of course, there's the risk of that being a rather dysfunctional one, or one coming apart at the seams. I've seen cases of both. But dysfunctional probably wouldn't be too bad, as much as there might be frustrating or embarrassing moments, they would still have each other's back no matter what. ..I guess I wonder what it's like to have that support. Those ready to defend if one is attacked or insulted even if they don't always get along well. No one should try to tell me that my neighbors to the south and I are.. no. Common struggles at certain points, and sure to assist each other if necessary. I do see them as friends..but not what people tend to assume due to proximity. And possibly ignorance about whether we even relate to each other. (Spoiler: I don't to them, they probably do to each other.) I really haven't had that kind of bond if I'm quite honest. I wonder about it. If people ask why don't I see them as family, it's something I can't really control. Can't control who can feel rather kin to even if they are rather different. And well, the aforementioned aren't those I feel any sort of kin-ish feeling towards. I can't. I don't know why. I'm alright with the Baltic association, fine. I don't care. But brothers?..No. 
So I wonder.
 
These are the thoughts I probably shouldn't share with people too often. They'll think that I've certainly gone mad. 
 

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