Admission

Jun. 18th, 2013 10:42 pm
demacrux: (Default)
[personal profile] demacrux
 If what I might have for you was simply aesthetic, this wouldn't be a problem. I could live with just finding you attractive. I find plenty of people attractive. And I'm comfortable not acting on that vague sense of..hmm you're good looking. But alas, with you.. this is not the case. But do I have any basis for possibly being curious about more? I've haven't gotten the chance to spend time much, you're not often around. Understandably so, you're still trying to recover from recent events. And for that..I wish you the best of luck. I'm sure that you'll be fine. I wish I could say if you ever needed anything from me, feel free to ask. But I don't want to be pushy. Ah so much, I dread that. 

..Still, how can I know this weird thing is not fleeting if I don't talk a bit more than a brief greeting. If we don't share some time over coffee. If I don't play any records for you. Or even better..perform a song myself. Piano and voice, I don't do it often..but I would for you. I don't know why, and it annoys me a little. Because I fear that this will have been fleeting without any sort of a chance to bloom. Then again, perhaps it would save me from being shot down in a way I can never see myself prepared for. Maybe we just don't have much to say. And yet.. I don't think that's true. I've enjoyed your company before and you've..mine. I want to see more of your land..and not just for business, and maybe just maybe you'd like to see mine. 

How can I know you better..when I have so little opportunity. And the windows are so brief, it is barely a whisper I get by. How can I make an attempt with these anxieties that leave me totally dry. The reserve, reluctance..the tendency to overthink. It'll all be the ruin of me before I even begin to speak. How could I ever solidify whatever us lurking here when I just don't know when you'll be near.

Perhaps I should seek another. But I'm not good at that. Aesthetics is different from a sincere interest, and that is a definite fact. I don't know if I like waiting, but I'm sure that is something I'll do. If I ever get the chance to make learn more about you. The past you're willing to admit, I can maybe open up a bit of mine. Or we could just move towards the future when those memories in the back of our mind. I don't quite know why but before I'm through, I can't help but imagine taking a stroll with you. In the evening with the stars fill the night sky..and maybe we'll sit by the water and occasionally glance into each other's eyes..hah..it all sounds quite silly and yet all too real. The things that my mind conjures up based off of this rather ambiguous feel. 

Making a move in this department, all I know..terrifies me so much more than I can adequately show. I don't what I'm saying anymore, I feel..I worry that I'm simply too much of a bore. A dry man ..very hidden passions, reluctance (and or disinterest) in physicality..no ..who could be drawn to that. It does make anything in my head any less true. I loathe this, I am not sure if I ever will admit this but I would certainly give anything a try with you.
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