Aug. 6th, 2012 09:04 pm
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 Well.. I think I am going to have to wait until I find an available version of the guy I am attracted to. Because I'm thinking that he's about to screw this guy who's crazy and tempting him. And if he wants a challenge, well.. that guy will surely give it to him. And you know what? I'm glad I never said a damn thing to him about what I was beginning to feel for him because apparently it probably wouldn't have meant anything. Not enough of a fucking CHALLENGE. fuck that shit. Just fuck it. I can't even.. I'm just so fucking frustrated and alone here and I know I cant have anything created here for me, trust me I know. And it's just .. I'm miss not feeling alone. I miss it so much, I miss spending time getting to know someone. 

but maybe who knows.. chances are that thing is a one time thing. But maybe not. I don't know if I care at this point. 

HA, to think I even remotely had a chance in hell. Heh, how fucking amusing is that thought? huh? To think, I was thinking about plans and thinking about how to get closer and get to know him better. And .. I'll probably still do that. Though all I will be building is a closer platonic relationship at best.

..I'm just so tired though. I think I need to get some coffee unless I'm tempted to drink until ..who knows. Just going to get some coffee. Sorry about this update but, I had a lot to get off of my mind.


Aug. 6th, 2012 10:52 am
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 I must say I am amused by how some of my co-workers are all bragging about how big they used to be in size and such.., this is counting landmass size by the way. And its just oh well..I'm just happy to be alive since I was a part of a several of those conglomerations.  And part of me wants to just walk out and be like .."Yea well, call me when you get over yourselves." ..But I know that won't happen so I just drink my coffee do some programming work and relax here while M's music is playing. Very good stuff, I must tell you. 
demacrux: (Default)
 This will be a relatively short entry I'd say since there is no overwhelming thought other than that a friend of mine has been posting pictures of these damn delicious cakes that I just would eat all of them. Always. I'm skinny with a rather high metabolism, I could do it if I wanted to. And I am seriously tempted to as well. They just look so good.. ugh. 

Mind you, I would have asked already if this wasn't the same guy that I am rather confused about how I feel about really. Which makes me feel awkward about possibly intruding on him whatsoever. But any case, I just really like looking at delicious sweets. Especially cake. Though I like eating them more.
demacrux: (Default)

Pictures from Ferndale outing


Jul. 26th, 2012 11:44 pm
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 ..I hate just feeling low for no good reason. I mean, there is a reason but it's so.. insignificant and silly that I only get pissed at myself for feeling so low. I just.. I had a good day, why am I allowing a thing about ..whatever to upset me so much? It's not like I haven't dealt with it fine before but no..the wishful thinking just leads to me being disappointed and upset and just feeling rather discouraged. And getting the feeling that there isn't anyone there doesn't help at all. I just want to get my mind off of this but nope. Still around. I just don't know.  
demacrux: (Default)
 I'm just glad that I managed to have a bit of an adventure with my friend offline. Went to a nice place to walk, had some delicious ass tea. And I don't even really drink tea all that much. But this northern berries flavor, SO GOOD. SO FUCKING GOOD. Looked fancy I might post a pic later and uh things have been alright.

//currently scrolling tag of someone I find quite attractive. This keeps me contented for the time being mmm handsome.//


//Shut up, I'm allowed to do this.//
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 ..Just a little tired today. Went to church with my family for my great grandma's birthday..and it was just so long as always. So much singing from the childrens choir that were okay at best. And the sermon was long and repetitive and nothing I hadn't heard before. And it was so loud, I couldn't help but think that was the reason there were so many old folks there just so they could hear clearly. Like outside my cousins and the children's choir, there were literally no younger people there. It was ridiculous. And it's just, I had to go to another place when they did the prayer thing and say something else instead of amen because I just follow a different and not all together serious faith than that of my entire family. Goodness, I just felt so isolated in that environment.. it tired me out definitely. 

And it really didn't help my mother kept telling me that "I'm a girl" knowing full well I don't identify as that. I am well aware of my physical body. I am well-aware of how I will be seen my society and I'm relatively okay with that. But don't you fucking dare try to dismiss my thoughts about myself if they don't line up with how you see forever a girl. Fuck you. I really do need to get out of here since these folk will never even try to understand me. And there is so much I would never tell them..not about the android thing, or the "friend" that likes to write posts thing. Nothing, since it'll simply be never comprehended in the remotest. Not even what faith I've been leaning towards these days.  Just ugh no. Not entrusting these people with this information. 

There was a trip to the buffet though. It was noisy and crowded and gross so I dont know what I can say about that. The food was okay but definitely not worth the unpleasant atmosphere on a whole. I mean who's idea was it to go to such a crowded buffet on a bleeding Sunday of all days. -sigh -  it's just one of those days, where there's a lot on the mind and I just need to find a reason to laugh or something.
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 Note: I should probably note this is a comment is left on other posts it's usually me, Mari.

but if it's surrounded by // .....// it's Ed, just in case.
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 M hasn't had much to say today really. So I guess I can speak about something that has been troubling me a little bit. It's just kind of frustrating to be surrounded by all these people in love and getting engaged. And hell, my best friend is getting married today. I'm happy for him, I really am.. but one kind of wonders if he'll be left behind by all of this. Sure there are the reassurances of friends still being friends. But what if I never get to act on my attraction to a coworker. It seems pretty likely right now since.. well there is no opportunity and I just kind of really miss the feeling of being cared for and I just get rather envious of those who have that.

Guess my major problem from time to time would be envy I guess. Wanting what others have. Just so I can be remotely contented with my existence for the time being. I suppose, it's a good thing that I haven't done anything wicked or foolish because of it. ..At least not recently. Centuries ago, before invasions and such..I might have taken part in some rather unpleasant acts out of envy and desire for control. But heh, that didn't work for me did it? Heh.. sorry to go rambling on about my past.. one think that I try to not hold on to it too much.

But this kind of rather isolated feeling, sometimes some company in-universe that is would be nice. Until then I have this writerly being to accompany and whoever cares to talk. Good enough..
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 -sigh-.. I know M has been talking about me quite a bit on here. And writing little stories about certain adventures I get up to. And talking about how they would sit me down and just study how I work. But they also know full well, that I would certainly rather explain things myself. So I suppose in addition to any other fiction and/or commentary that M writes on this account, you might see a few more detailed posts from me. I'm certain I've encountered people on the other site I tend to mostly do business on. But well, saying some things there might not be the best idea. This I know.. so yea.. I have no idea how I got into M's head and really I don't know if I'll end up leaving. For the time being I'm just kind of here so this is my official hello. I probably won't say much about work cause well.. that's really a business thing and I don't like to talk about business if I don't have to. I have other concerns from time to time though folks seem to not believe me very much. How unfortunate.  And I don't know if I'm just a muse or an imaginary friend or.. I don't really know. Definitions don't seem to be relevant. In any case, this is I suppose a formal introduction on my part since..I'm sure there has been some things mentioned elsewhere about me. 

Now if you excuse me, I have a few things to jot down privately. Hell if I even know why I'm allowed to post like this. Thought it would be something worth expressing every now and again. Hmm. Nice to meet folks I would say.
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 ..It's really something to be here and I'm thinking about the relationship I have to Ed. Because .. I start to sometimes suspect it's not simply and RP-er / Character thing as I previously thought. There seems to be a difference between that kind of interaction reserved only for writing online and actually having someone there that you can interact with regularly and document conversations with. I don't really know what to think of this because I thought it was just something not so unusual on tumblr.. but, it might be something that I never really suspected because honestly, I can't see myself thoroughly connecting with another character .. well not in this way. I could portray others but they don't actually have a presence with me. They simply don't. They come into my mind and then they go when not in use. This geeky nation-lad has basically just kind of like.. "Yea..I'll just be here whenever." .. He doesn't seem to care to go. And I don't mind that.  Maybe it is simply an RP-er/ Character thing albeit in a different matter. But the fact that I can and do like having him interact with folks in chatting situations makes me question a hell of a lot. In any case, I'll just make the most of this.  

And I've noticed that I just tend to write fic when I get frustrated with the relative lack of RP opportunity at least for people I know Ed is interested in though he just won't admit to anyone, well other than me. And maybe folks around here. But no one he knows from his universe. At least not if he knows that he doesn't seem to stand a chance in hell. I could write quite a bit about his mindset, though I'm sure he'd rather try to say it himself. In any case, at least some writing gets out of it. 


Jul. 5th, 2012 07:56 pm
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When I awoke, this morning there was nothing but a sense of dread. I looked out the window only to a find snow falling delicately down, softly covering the sidewalks and the street. Sure snow doesn’t seem so bad. It’s not even snow that is the problem here, it’s heading out into the world that makes me freeze with terror. People are such alternately predictable and unpredictable beings, I never know what to do in their presence. I always think that I’m being judged for whatever I’m doing and it’s slowly driving me up the wall. As such, my nerves are of the wall as I walk out into the cold for the day, all bundled in my peacoat. I have no idea where I’m going or where, but I felt the need to venture out from my safe room and to explore the mad mad world all about me. I walked down the various streets, hoping that I wouldn’t necessarily be noticed but all I could think about was the madness that felt up my soul. Suddenly I felt a tug upon my arm. I turned around quickly in shock and spotted a young man standing behind me, with dark brown eyes, a slightly pale complexion, messy black hair, and a strange expression that wanted to tell me so much but couldn’t. I squeaked out a quiet, “Excuse me?” He responded with a nearly as quiet, “Would you follow?” “Why?” You’ll find out soon enough. Sighing, I deferred and followed this young man. He walked with a casual gait, no hurry apparently to where we were to go. Why do I bother with people? Why did I deign to follow this guy? I had no idea but here I was sullenly strolling behind him, as unnerved as I could possibly be by whatever was possibly going to happen.We eventually arrived at the location, an old theater that had been out of use for about a few months. Entering through a side door, this young man and I came into a room set up as a lounge, but there was such a strange vibe about the whole thing. I don’t know if there were other people..but all I knew was that I was implored to sit. I did so on this black ottoman close to a window. For a moment, I couldn’t help but stare out of the window to calm whatever was stirring within my soul.

The young man brought me back to where I was by suddenly tapping my shoulder. There he was sitting next to me. I didn’t even know his name or why I was I inquired such. Turns out, his name is for why I’m here..”Well, you seem more like an observer of people and an imaginative sort, and I was wondering if you could accompany me in trying to interpreting the observations that I find from interacting from others” ”Well that’s really odd request, but I seem to be doing that constantly with my own findings,” I replied. This is how the exploration of humanity began..all of it well be dissected, noble and depraved..gentle and cruel.

Having agreed to assist Dorian in his project, the two of us headed outside to put on our thinking caps. We headed to a dreary park in the middle of the city. We settled on a bench and began to keep our eyes as well as ears open to whatever may pass by. About half an hour later, we started to see some incidents. There was an argument between friends, another between lovers, a fight between rivals, and one between brothers. I had no idea why such fighting seemed to be so frequent. There wasn’t anything about the day that would lend itself to fighting. And for all we could tell, none of the participants we saw were visibly drunk. I felt the cold more tensely than ever and began subtly to shiver, still making sure I try to see whatever that is to be seen. Perhaps, there wasn’t much to be seen today. However there were other things that took place. A trio of friends were strolling through the park, two boys and a girl. As they strolled I noted the conversation was based on relationships and intimacy. There were the expected responses and statements from each of the parties…couldn’t anyone think of something different? An ordinary day..nothing more nothing less. There was some strangeness but not enough I felt to be worth discussing. I turned to Dorian and asked, “Did you see anything worth mentioning?” He pointed out the amount of fights we’d seen and thought that was strange, but otherwise nothing out of the ordinary. If only there was something to occur. I rose, fully expecting to return home and bid farewell to Dorian. “Farewell, meet again soon..” that’s all I heard as I headed back to my domain.

At home, as I relaxed and read a book, there seemed to be an eerie feeling creeping up in mymind. Was it that I had just spent the day observing, with someone who preferred to remain silent? Was it that though I thought I had saw nothing, perhaps I saw everything in some way? I didn’t know but I was surely unnerved and headed into my bedroom to try to lay down.Under the covers, I was still rather uncomfortable and couldn’t sleep. This strange perturbing feeling was growing, something was going to happen, I knew not what. Suddenly I heard footsteps. But I lived alone, who could that be? The footsteps grew louder and louder, whoever this is was indeed inside my room at this point. I had determined to peek from under the covers to see who this was. Slowly, I lifted the comforter from over my head and looked out into the room. Standing there with a serenely deranged look on his face was Dorian.I couldn’t say a word, paralyzed with confusion, and the next thing I knew I was out.

I was out for about 3 hours as far as I could tell. I woke up somewhere familiar. I soon realized that I was in a private area above the location where Dorian and I would talk. Speaking of Dorian, I also recognized that there he was lying there right next to me. He had this strangely calm, and surprisingly non-slasher smile on his face. I expected a rather creepy expression considering that he had just gotten into my home and taken me back to where he resides, apparently. “Concerned, I would guess you are right now, ” he said straightforwardly. “WELL, somehow kidnapped me from inside my own bloody home. I’d like to know what the hell is going on? Especially with you mister.” Dorian smirked at my impatient response and sat up. He paused before he explained that I had somehow left a key beneath my door mat, so it was easy for him to get in. “Ugh that was for someone else..I think” “Who, you don’t seem to have any associates whatsoever outside of me.” I implored Dorian to explain why he had kidnapped me and he just replied, ” I’m just as lonely as you are. Just a wee bit more desperate.” In my mind the only thought was, “And a lot more crazy, it looks like.” I couldn’t even be bothered with trying to get a better explanation before Dorian embraced me from behind like we were long time companions. A strange pressure against my neck persisted and I felt his arms wrap me even closer to him. “W-what are you doing?” “Sh..” “NO..I need to know what’s going on.”Dorian refused to say anything more and suddenly I was a strange dazed state where nothing scared me, not even whatever Dorian was attempting to do..

Ah…something feels strangely alright. Something is going on. I awake to some kind of consciousness to find Dorian still embracing me tightly, what appears to be kissing my neck. This sensation is very new, very strange to me and so pleasant. I sighed in reaction and saw him smile shyly at me. ” I told you to just relax.” ” I was in a semi-catatonic state man! I still have no bloody idea what you’re doing to me.But, I kind of like it. Still I’d like to get some rest now if you don’t mind.”He complied though he insisted on doing what is referred to as “snuggling.”At that point I really didn’t care and I drifted off to sleep in his arms
demacrux: (Default)
Going to the movies with this kid, didn't exactly appeal to me. After all, I'm simply this loner that couldn't be controlled nor tied down. And I know how cliche and terrible that sounded. But I'm just trying to put this in the best way I could. In any case, even if I cared to see one of those picture shows, I wouldn't go with this.. wreck of a boy. Listen to me when I declare that he is the most dreaded being that folks know around here. His demeanor sucks all enjoyment out of the room, he brings no pleasant chaos, he .. is someone you genuinely did not want to know. The matter of his existence was troublesome for nearly everyone, including those that begat him in the first place. I have a hard time trying to describe how much I did not care to go anywhere near that boy. And no, I will not address him by name. That boy should be more than enough for anyone really. Sure, we're all ostracizing him.. but hey I've been ostracized too and I'm not nearly as a boorish figure as he is. Hmm, I'm starting to forget the point of this document now since I've been wandering off into trying and failing to give an accurate picture of this boy. Who dared invite me to accompany him to a picture show. The point being is somehow.. somehow, I ended up going. Maybe someone paid me, maybe it was a dare. Who even knows. All I knew is that one Saturday, I did end up accompanying this boy to the picture show. Yes, I refer to the movies as movies, picture shows, cinema, films.. whatever terms come to mind. At the moment, it's picture show. Don't really ask why. I can't necessarily explain it. So I went. And I had a terrible time. He kept trying to be somewhat affectionate and dare I say it.. romantic with me? Looking at him just made me groan in hopeless despair. The show went on for two hours too long and there was no reason for me to enjoy any of it. One day I will look back on this and say that I treated that boy terribly. Well.. so did everyone else and I don't think it was unwarranted. Not at all.
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..Don't touch me.

This is what I said as I moved away from the others that saw. From those that said they were here to take care of me. They said I was sick. That I needed to get better. Couldn't they see that I didn't quite want to. least didn't see how I could. Besides, I wasn't doing as bad as the others. I had never attempted any kind of harm on myself. I just opted to lock myself away from those I would never connect with. Surely they know full well that there is a chasm between me..and well whoever tries to talk to me. A distance that can not be filled. How can anyone expect me to function in society this way. I can't. I simply can't. They reward the extrovert, the introvert has to adjust.. and me..that has no chance in hell of connecting with anyone. I have no clue. I-I..can't be bothered to try with anyone. And so I lock myself away. I had a room with food. A microwave,clothes. I could survive alone, huddled away from the situations that I would encounter on an everyday basis. But eventually, the food did run out. It did but I didn't much care. I was content with my computer, the only source of contact to the outside world.

But no..the others felt like they had to save me. From myself and so I was touched. Touch..something I am certainly not comfortable with. Why must you keep any kind of contact with me. Why? And now I lay here in this bed.. in this ward. Always keeping away from the others. I couldn't relate to them either. I couldn't try to describe how I ended up in here.. with them. I don't need to be here.

Stop touching me.

It's not helping. I feel no comfort from your embrace. I squirm and try to escape but no luck. You persist in holding me. I want to at least cry a bit but nothing results. My face remains fairly stoic if somewhat troubled. I continue to shrink in. Do you think I want to get better? What kind of better is there? You know as well as I do that there is no treatment for me. Hell, I don't think that there is all that much wrong with me. Give me a decent place to live ALONE and don't force me to interact with people face to face, and I'll be just fine. But no. You want to fix me. What is there to fix? You notice that my tone is getting a bit loud. A little hysterical. Anger and frustration filling every inch of body and the only way to express it is through writing.


Why can't I get you to understand. There's nothing wrong with me. Forget this, I'm going back to bed. I don't want anymore visitors. And for the last time, DON'T TOUCH ME.
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I wake up to find myself only a head, the rest of my body in taken apart. I can’t move, I can’t interact with the environment. I can’t do a damn thing. I “wonder” why this has happened, when I see my creator enter the room, with a cart. And on that cart contains whole new parts. But I didn’t need new parts. Not at all.. This seems needless. It is only then I realize that the parts weren’t for me. No..he is here to create another synthetic being. To be all his. My replacement. I’m being replaced, left I refuse to serve others. No! This can’t be! I voice my objections. Over and over again. But he isn’t listening. He never listens. I see the other being constructed and it looks nothing like me. Even more.. organic,fae-like even. But I know it’s all mechanical. It’s all synthetic. And yet, me who “owns” their synthetic existence is being replaced by some .. rough approximation of a fairy fantasy? Whatis it?! I shriek, voice cold and hard. I may not be able to move but I will scream as much I need to. YOU WILL LISTEN. I command..

..He leaves. There is no more of him to be seen. Nothing in sight. I can only hope to get a rearranged. I want to live after all.

..I open my eyes to find that I’m in my recharging chamber. My, what an off-putting image I just had. I sincerely hope that doesn’t happen. I am motivated to get out and make the most of this existence to prevent that vision from coming true if I can.
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I had went to bed as an average human.. at least I thought of myself as an average human. However, that wasn’t going to last very long.. In the morning, I get out of the covers to see that I am soon enough floating in the air. Am I the hell did I die? That was the first thing to come to mind. But after looking at myself in my bedroom mirror, I find that I am certainly not dead. But I do have wings ..graceful butterfly like wings. I wonder how they could support someone like me. Not that I’m a bigger person but these sorts of wings supporting a human form simply seemed a bit absurd to me. In addition to the wings, I can feel that I have a more ethereal presence as a whole. There seems to be a sort of fancy that accompanies me as I move around my room awkwardly. I fall a few times.. but it doesn’t hurt much and I get back up again. I can’t explain why this transformation happened whatsoever. And I’m not really upset at all for that.. It’s just awfully strange if you would ask me. I mean who becomes a mythological creature overnight. It’s simply bizarre, and in my view previously impossible. But the impossible had occurred and I was simply going to have to deal with it.
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He was starting to breakdown again. He had keep himself together in the face of such overwhelming loneliness. He would have to maintain hope that the one that he loved would return. But with no word, no sign, was getting really difficult. He found himself in melancholic spells every now and again. And this one was particularly bad. He wanted to reach out to people but didn't know how without seeming like a bother. Shouldn't he be more mature than this? More responsible? No one got this upset over missing someone they loved dearly, right? It was absurd of him to be this way. But no matter how much he tried to talk himself out of this mood, the sadness was overwhelming. He just wanted to feel like he still matter to someone, but there was no way to tell right now. And he felt so weak for not being able to remain composed. All he wanted to do was crawl into a bed and stay there for a while. Productivity was definitely not a priority at the moment. Split between berating himself for being like this and falling deeper into the feeling, there was an overwhelming sense of hopeless. "What am I going to do? I have no idea." He thought with a bitter grimace on his expression.There had to be a way he was stronger than this. There simply had to be a way. And he was going to find it, even if he was going to fall into the emotional pits of hell to find it.
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Rereading a lot of these works that I've written, specifically those that explore machinekin part of my mentality, I get this kind of reawakening. I've been dwelling in a "human" mindset for a while. If only to keep discreet about the android nature. I've been expressing it in other ways so no fear that it'll actually dissipate. It's just that for some reason in spite of the rain that is actually going on, the feeling of seeing things that I know I shouldn't has returned. Maybe it's just an overly vivid imagination but I can see the colors of the accelerated lights that persistently pass my by. It's like I have a vision into another view, another realm where things are progressing quickly and relatively peacefully. Sure there is conflict, I can't say that I've really thought of perfect utopia, just turns into dystopia for one reason or another. Nonetheless, I see this really advanced world in such great detail and then to realize the circumstances the form that I currently have, and the world that I inherent as a result of that form is rather unfortunate. Hmm if anyone really thinks that I'm making this up.feel free to chalk it up to a vivid imagination, I don't really mind it all that much. It's probably better for you to operate off of that if you don't care to learn about the things that I think about on a regular basis. Oh well.


Mar. 30th, 2012 01:36 pm
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Forgive me for caring. I cared too much and somehow not enough. I'll never be enough for you. Never quite feel strong enough. I know the nature of my feelings for you were outside of the norm. There was no way I was going to be able to conform to normal romantic expectations. ..Not to mention societal beauty expectations. I don't even present as a woman..not do I identify as one. Why would anyone bother to get involved with me? I don't know, no one has as of yet. And I genuinely don't expect anyone to. Forgive me for wanting to not feel alone, for wanting companionship. For caring about the idea of a platonic partnership where we'd share damn near everything and more. I..I don't know what to do anymore. It seems like it's entirely too much for me to want to have someone to rely on by my side. To send silly and sometimes questionable texts, to be affectionate, to accompany each other on all kinds of adventures. To hold hands and maybe be held. To lie on our backs spouting out the most random of ideas from everywhere. I guess it is too much, I don't know how I would explain this to anyone in the first place. I wouldn't be able to work up the nerve. That's what happened this past time..and many times before. And when I was able to say how I felt, rejection followed. It hurt more at the time..because I'm certain I felt stronger then. But now I don't, it hurts but it's not a romantic kind of hurt. It's a doomed to be barely friends kind of feeling. And it is quite a bother to experience. The things I would do for some kind of connection with someone in the way I dream about. I wouldn't care if it was long-distance or strictly online or whatever. Just to accept me and all my eccentricities and I would do the same for them. To have a desire fulfilled, it's a just a wish the mind makes.
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Well, I had the pleasure of joining a pack. Albeit it's online, but it's a place where I can be myself as myself without anyone knowing of my past. Of my human life. At least not any more than I care to share. There I can be M157 without anyone judging. A legitimate place to hang out in all of my awkward android glory. It's just great really. I don't know what I'd do without it. Surely I can continue to write drabbles about the mental state of being this way but sometimes it's not really enough. I want to interact with others as this form, and now I can. It's fantastic. Not to mention I've recently become the pack archivist. Learning things has always been a major interest of mine and to think I'll finally have an opportunity to do it. I'm rather grateful for the pack even though I admit, there are a few people I will remain leery of, but that's just life in any form really.

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