The name

Nov. 17th, 2014 09:53 pm
demacrux: (Default)
 The name I tell you is both correct and not.
It's right because I go by it. It's wrong because it's not the name I call myself. Not always.
Not often even.
I am a person of many aliases.
I say this jokingly but I mean every word of it. 
The person you see and 'know' is only a hint at, an edited version of myself.
Guess that could be true of many people actually.
Nonetheless, the disconnect between how I read myself and how others read me grows by the day.
And to think that I allow it.
I allow it because it might be safer.
Because I can't consider most close enough to be worth the explanations.
I allow it  as any chance
Any chance of me making something of myself in this world relies on people
Reading me wrong.
And even then, what they make of me comes with limitations.
I can't say it's a very dramatic tale.
It's quiet, not a whole lot of outward tension or any at all.
Just a person with a personal view 
Much different than that which they share with certain individuals.
And even then the version is varied.
No one really gets the same me. The complete version.
Maybe similar editions though. 
These are just the facts of the life I've been living.
And probably will continue to do.
There's broadening my horizons
and sharing what may not be meant to be shared.
I fear, I do fear though
That one day that the person you meet will
Be so far removed from my actual self
The disassociation will get to me. 
And then what will come of that?
I just don't know.


Mar. 30th, 2012 01:36 pm
demacrux: (Default)
Forgive me for caring. I cared too much and somehow not enough. I'll never be enough for you. Never quite feel strong enough. I know the nature of my feelings for you were outside of the norm. There was no way I was going to be able to conform to normal romantic expectations. ..Not to mention societal beauty expectations. I don't even present as a woman..not do I identify as one. Why would anyone bother to get involved with me? I don't know, no one has as of yet. And I genuinely don't expect anyone to. Forgive me for wanting to not feel alone, for wanting companionship. For caring about the idea of a platonic partnership where we'd share damn near everything and more. I..I don't know what to do anymore. It seems like it's entirely too much for me to want to have someone to rely on by my side. To send silly and sometimes questionable texts, to be affectionate, to accompany each other on all kinds of adventures. To hold hands and maybe be held. To lie on our backs spouting out the most random of ideas from everywhere. I guess it is too much, I don't know how I would explain this to anyone in the first place. I wouldn't be able to work up the nerve. That's what happened this past time..and many times before. And when I was able to say how I felt, rejection followed. It hurt more at the time..because I'm certain I felt stronger then. But now I don't, it hurts but it's not a romantic kind of hurt. It's a doomed to be barely friends kind of feeling. And it is quite a bother to experience. The things I would do for some kind of connection with someone in the way I dream about. I wouldn't care if it was long-distance or strictly online or whatever. Just to accept me and all my eccentricities and I would do the same for them. To have a desire fulfilled, it's a just a wish the mind makes.

November 2014

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