demacrux: (Default)
 Compromise, in most cases this was a word Eduard was rather familiar with. And not entirely opposed to it. While he would prefer some arrangements on his terms, he knew how effective a good compromise could be. Especially when there was no other way for him to get anything good out of the treaty. Not without resorting to means that didn't seem to be worth the effort. So in work, compromise not a bad idea. 
..But he was starting to think about another compromise that he would have to be willing to make. At least he thought he would have be willing to make..if he wasn't going to be alone for at least a time in his existence. Navigating the ways of a feelings that he hadn't really bothered to pay attention to, the Estonian found that his sense of attraction wasn't exactly the usual. The drive try and get physical with someone wasn't there and the idea of finding someone attractive in a way that would lead him to want to seek out that kind of closeness was unfamiliar to say the least. And the more he observed the conversations among his fellow nations about such topics, the more he found that his lack of interest wasn't exactly par for the course. 
This wasn't exactly a comforting thought as one could guess. Already having some anxiety about seeking intimacy but uncertain how to pursue it, now he wasn't sure if he should even try at all.  The thought that he would maybe have to try and enjoy an act that he was at best indifferent about for the sake of maintaining a relationship filled him with dread. Not to mention the idea of maybe letting whoever this partner seek someone else out for their needs saddened him in ways that he wasn't sure how to express. Besides that's just if he ever ended up with anyone again in the first place.  These compromises had him shying away from expressing his feelings several times before and he can't help but think that it would happen again.
Oh, how he wished there was someone he could talk to about this situation. Eduard didn't think he knew anyone who could really relate to this acknowledgement of his lack of attraction in a sexual sense and his anxiety about driving others away because of it. Not that purposely trying to keep away from people was helping in any way whatsoever. But avoiding the situation altogether was the only thing he knew that he could do for the time being. 
The whole matter was almost enough to make him relieved that his last relationship hadn't reached that part before a sudden disappearance. But no, he couldn't bring himself to feel that way especially not when he remembered how good it felt to have someone like that and how much he would give to experience the closeness again.  Still, he couldn't help but wonder how much would he give..what kind of compromise would be required for him? Would it be painful ..? Discomfiting? It's not like he hadn't participated in such intimacy before..but it was so long ago that he wondered if it even counted anyways. 
All of this had him wanted to just give up the ghost in regards to that. Besides, he had other things to worry about. 
Nonetheless,there was a shatter inside just considering all of this. And he didn't really want to know what exactly that shatter was. 
demacrux: (Default)
He was starting to breakdown again. He had keep himself together in the face of such overwhelming loneliness. He would have to maintain hope that the one that he loved would return. But with no word, no sign, was getting really difficult. He found himself in melancholic spells every now and again. And this one was particularly bad. He wanted to reach out to people but didn't know how without seeming like a bother. Shouldn't he be more mature than this? More responsible? No one got this upset over missing someone they loved dearly, right? It was absurd of him to be this way. But no matter how much he tried to talk himself out of this mood, the sadness was overwhelming. He just wanted to feel like he still matter to someone, but there was no way to tell right now. And he felt so weak for not being able to remain composed. All he wanted to do was crawl into a bed and stay there for a while. Productivity was definitely not a priority at the moment. Split between berating himself for being like this and falling deeper into the feeling, there was an overwhelming sense of hopeless. "What am I going to do? I have no idea." He thought with a bitter grimace on his expression.There had to be a way he was stronger than this. There simply had to be a way. And he was going to find it, even if he was going to fall into the emotional pits of hell to find it.
demacrux: (Default)
"If I was..bold enough, I would follow you forever but.. darling please, rescue me, Take me out."

On stage, a tall,lean, bespectacled youth sang out passionately towards the audience singing of a quiet yearning to get taken out." Some may say, it's my fate, am I just in time or am I late..if you can understand..then Take me out.." He looked out in his performance trying to spot the rather handsome man in the audience who seemed to be at all of the shows lately. "Something real, make me feel.." The words flowed with a melody and a directed message. A purpose.. he wanted it to be known that if the other had any interest, then make it clear and do it soon. No one else in that room seemed to matter all that much. Sure if they were enjoying the show, that was great..but that was ultimately a bonus for the singer hoping so desperately that the older man would take some note of him. He meant..after all, the other sat the same place every time and would look directly at him with a look that could mean so much but it was indecipherable to the youth at times. And this scared him but he continued singing in order to finish the song rallying up those who were willing to participate as well.

Humming the tune, the youth had just finished taking pictures and signing autographs with some of his fans. Perhaps they were surprised that he'd be a little more introverted than they expected. Though what could they expect coming from a boy looking like him. He did resemble the timid type anyways..what was he even doing on a stage? But then the voice..that voice made it clear to everyone what he was doing. Nonetheless, he was making his way back to the dressing room when he feel a tap on the shoulder. It was unfamiliar but he suspected he already knew the source. Turning around, he saw the man from the audience standing before him with what was apparently a picture request. And some flowers. His favorite flowers..hmm he must have talked to his best friend at the last show. Clearly. In the midst of the picture being taken, the young man felt a little kiss on the cheek and the slip of a note into the flowers. He reddened as he was likely to do in any such situation and looked at the other with a slight grin in return before taking out the note which revealed the other man's name, number and a brief declaration of his feelings and of his intentions to yes, take him out. A few moments later, the youth was able to at least return the kiss and promise to contact the other man before finally making it back to his room. Where he opted to just lie down and dream for a little while. He didn't think it would actually work after all. But it did. Strange how that can work out that way.
demacrux: (Default)
Here I am sir, good day. EVB-224 at your service, though I am commonly referred to as one Eduard Von Bock. I attend these meetings every few weeks or so. I interact with these beings neither human nor machine. They feel awfully human though to say the least. They have lasted for years, as have I. But on my part, it's not without some maintenance. Especially throughout the more unfortunate circumstances of my existence. It's hard to repair those rips of the "flesh" I wear on the everyday basis. Too make them resemble human scars rather than the tears that they are. I try to maintain relations but I will never be as close as I should be, it's just the nature of my condition after all. I maintain distance regardless of whether I want to or not. If I were human, or even like the others, I could say there is some explanation within psychology for this couldn't I? But is not meant to be that way. I can not imbibe the drinks of which they are so fond of. At least not easily. There had to be changes in my wiring so I can even bear the liquids without destroying my circuitry. Hmm, if only they knew that behind these frames that I do not need, these eyes are not human, they are not nation, they are purely mechanical. I as much as I can wonder. What their reaction would be to have co-existed besides a robot for all of this time. One of sensors and synthetic parts rather than any kind of organic origin. One, that can never relate as thoroughly to their people as they can. If I am quite honest, I am only representing this land, Estonia as that is where I was constructed. Or...where I took up residence more accurately, years and years ago. It's all grown so fuzzy. Constructed memory is a funny thing. I can't name my creators or when I was created. There is my own history I can't quite answer for ..and if I'm being.."genuine" I may suspect otherworldly origin. As no technology that I've ever seen on Earth has ever come close to resembling the parts and design and programming contained in myself. Though they are making some progress, the humans they are. Maybe one day I may not be the only one interacting through an android point of view. Though chances are, the humans might try to destroy each other first.
demacrux: (Default)
A young man stood alone inside the club. The lights were low, music loud and dancefloor packed. While he wasn't much of a dancer, he knew he was familiar with the song played. One could even say that he liked it somewhat. Knowing this, he started to move a little bit, primarily with his feet and his practically non-existent hips. He was a leaner boy after all. He knew that his friend was out on the dancefloor having a grand time and here he was awkwardly making some kind of moves against the wall. "Can't think at all.....I'm lonely." The lines rang through his head, if only there was someone to dance with. Someone that would need him as much as he needed them right now. It was too late to ponder that, the song changed on him quickly to this other song."We walk..If nothing makes you feel good, nothing makes you feel good." The catchy tune prompted the youth the move a little more, still rather close to the wall, unaware that someone was watching him. In the midst of his "dancing," our hero felt someone grab his arm softly. He turned suddenly to find that his friend's friend for whom he had feelings of both intimidation and attraction, grinning slightly. This was apparently an invitation to dance and so the young man accepted. He began to move quietly and coyly near the body of the other not minding the touch of the other near his once more nearly non-existent hips. He knew the build of his partner and needed at least a little play. Which worked out just fine for the other. Unexpected good times, just what was needed that night.

November 2014

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