demacrux: (Default)
 “…because I rant not, neither rave of what I feel, can you be so shallow as to dream that I feel nothing? ” R.D. Blackmore
 
Ah if only I did actually feel nothing. Perhaps my existence would be a bit better for me. Sure I would not have the euphoric highs but nor would have so many turbulent lows. Especially not the sort of lows that tend to follow me about these days. Unrelenting and terrifying persistent. Mind you, I do have appreciation for the fact that I have survived things that at several points, I was quite certain that I would not. I suppose that is common for someone of my kind. However, it seems like a past like mine has to come with something to be proud of.
 
If only that I did feel nothing. Then I wouldn't have so many inner turmoils about the fact that I can not and will not express the entirety of what I feel to practically anyone and at a given moment. It could be something of a relief to be so private but when in the midst of a storm that demands release, I will tell you..it is tortuous in ways that some of the physical pain I have endured tries to match and yet doesn't. Not to mention the sheer amount of frustration at why should I be feeling this way since..hah progress right? RIGHT? There has been much change, a lot of it for the better. And I ..I hope(?) that it continues to improve in the future. Oh don't get me started on hope though. Maybe a change has occurred in me much for the worse and I don't dare speak the true nature of this plague upon my heart. 
 
-a solitary sigh-
 
To feel nothing. To not carry this cyclical nature of okay and not okay, trying desperately to reach something more than okay only to reach it briefly and fall terribly back into far from okay. And then by nature cover it up in front of others. Wanting to shake off thoughts I deem not important enough to share because I have a reputation to protect. And I dare not become a burden upon others. 
Even if I do like the idea of being able to rely on someone for comfort now and again. What's the point in searching for it when I can not even allow myself to enjoy it. 
 
What is causing this? I'm not entirely sure..I wish it would be related to my people, my duties, the land. At least THEN it could be reasonably explained. At least then there could be something that makes sense in this nonsensical dilemma. But as much stress as that causes me sometimes, the inexplicable and illusive nature of this problem is driving me to question so much about myself. 
 
..How foolish. To not be able to figure this out. I should be smarter than this. 
 
And yet no. To feel nothing, a wish I certainly should not wish but occasionally do so anyways. 
 
I suppose if I am going to feel something I would like to think that relief may come out of unleashing this somehow. A little bit would be very nice.
 
Let's hope in this one case, I truly do not feel nothing. 

Admission

Jun. 18th, 2013 10:42 pm
demacrux: (Default)
 If what I might have for you was simply aesthetic, this wouldn't be a problem. I could live with just finding you attractive. I find plenty of people attractive. And I'm comfortable not acting on that vague sense of..hmm you're good looking. But alas, with you.. this is not the case. But do I have any basis for possibly being curious about more? I've haven't gotten the chance to spend time much, you're not often around. Understandably so, you're still trying to recover from recent events. And for that..I wish you the best of luck. I'm sure that you'll be fine. I wish I could say if you ever needed anything from me, feel free to ask. But I don't want to be pushy. Ah so much, I dread that. 

..Still, how can I know this weird thing is not fleeting if I don't talk a bit more than a brief greeting. If we don't share some time over coffee. If I don't play any records for you. Or even better..perform a song myself. Piano and voice, I don't do it often..but I would for you. I don't know why, and it annoys me a little. Because I fear that this will have been fleeting without any sort of a chance to bloom. Then again, perhaps it would save me from being shot down in a way I can never see myself prepared for. Maybe we just don't have much to say. And yet.. I don't think that's true. I've enjoyed your company before and you've..mine. I want to see more of your land..and not just for business, and maybe just maybe you'd like to see mine. 

How can I know you better..when I have so little opportunity. And the windows are so brief, it is barely a whisper I get by. How can I make an attempt with these anxieties that leave me totally dry. The reserve, reluctance..the tendency to overthink. It'll all be the ruin of me before I even begin to speak. How could I ever solidify whatever us lurking here when I just don't know when you'll be near.

Perhaps I should seek another. But I'm not good at that. Aesthetics is different from a sincere interest, and that is a definite fact. I don't know if I like waiting, but I'm sure that is something I'll do. If I ever get the chance to make learn more about you. The past you're willing to admit, I can maybe open up a bit of mine. Or we could just move towards the future when those memories in the back of our mind. I don't quite know why but before I'm through, I can't help but imagine taking a stroll with you. In the evening with the stars fill the night sky..and maybe we'll sit by the water and occasionally glance into each other's eyes..hah..it all sounds quite silly and yet all too real. The things that my mind conjures up based off of this rather ambiguous feel. 

Making a move in this department, all I know..terrifies me so much more than I can adequately show. I don't what I'm saying anymore, I feel..I worry that I'm simply too much of a bore. A dry man ..very hidden passions, reluctance (and or disinterest) in physicality..no ..who could be drawn to that. It does make anything in my head any less true. I loathe this, I am not sure if I ever will admit this but I would certainly give anything a try with you.
demacrux: (Default)
 ..It's been a while but i haven't been able to say much due to busyness..and not having all that much to say. However, now I feel like I'm in a strange spot. I .. I don't know if I have a crush per say. But I think I have something that might grow into one. It might, it might not. All I know is that I want to talk to this associate I know in-universe and I can-t wait for the outing that he had invited me on...And he pecked me on the cheek, and I'm sure that was a greeting thing I think. But goodness, I paused because part of me was definitely a bit a flutter. A bit, I tell you. So I..I'll just wait to see when Ill see him again. I hope I don't make too much of an ass in front of him because he just seems like a rather nice friendly guy.

So..there's that.
demacrux: (Default)
 ...I don't know how to describe how I feel. It just.. I've been restless, moody and rather discontented a lot lately. Maybe the inadvertent in-universe isolation is getting to me. I bet it is..,I just don't know how to feel better. I mean relatively speaking I'm better than a few days ago where I kind of blew up a bit. I'm still in a spot where I'm just constant uncomfortable and it really really sucks a lot. So I guess that's what's up. 
M has college again in a few days and is dreading that because commuting being a pain in the ass. So that's also not exactly adding to the situation..but that's really their thing though I'm trying to reassure them that it won't suck nearly as much as they suspect.
demacrux: (Default)
 ..This isn't a substantial post really. But um, one of my in-universe friends invited me to a ball in a few months. A cross-dressing one mind you. So, I suppose I would end up dressing like a lady. M is helping me find what the hell I would wear for that. I mean oh goodness, this is just the most surreal thing I have ever even. -sigh- Let's see how this goes.  I primarily trust Ms creativity here because ..um I don't know i think I would be pretty lost here.

Hmm.. to think I found something that I think would be an interesting look. But NOO it's not a dress. Oh come on, I'm not nearly as flamboyant as he is and expecting everyone of your male friends to feel remotely comfortable in a dress is ..goodness, not good planning okay.  ..I don't know. I can't go if I can't wear something I feel like would be a decent compromise so whatever,

Thinking

Aug. 9th, 2012 01:19 pm
demacrux: (Default)
 Hmm I haven't said much to my in-universe comrades today. But there doesn't seem to be too much going on there anyways. So here I am with another post. But I have noticed that I seem to have rather.. strong reactions to..It's hard to describe since I just don't really know. You know the couple that are really ~in love~? Well I know one of them, and while some pairs one can deal with quite well this pair in particular sometimes provokes an "AH hell that's just..gross. okay. Because maybe the things they say to each other are just so..saccharine and cloying. At least I see them as such. Of course, they think it's sweet and perfectly normal and that's fine. I'm glad that they love each other, I don't have a problem with anybody being affectionate and saying things to each other. Though I do reserve the right that sometimes it just goes..too far every now and again to the point where I just get a little bleeeeh in response. It's just that gross really. And maybe someone could say oh that's just because you're still looking for someone.. well yea, I am but that doesn't mean I could find myself to be anywhere near that over-the-top with my descriptions of how I felt for someone I cared for. Hell, I know that I would even have trouble describing it..and try my best to get to the point despite whatever anxious rambling that might take place. And I just see myself as not overly romantic..I've done romantic things but it's been subtle, slight..or at least mostly private. But maybe that's just a difference between me and those who have no problem declaring their amore or whatever to the world. I'm never any good at talking about these things. 

-just hangs out with a cup of coffee and a sweet roll-

Sigh

Aug. 6th, 2012 09:04 pm
demacrux: (Default)
 Well.. I think I am going to have to wait until I find an available version of the guy I am attracted to. Because I'm thinking that he's about to screw this guy who's crazy and tempting him. And if he wants a challenge, well.. that guy will surely give it to him. And you know what? I'm glad I never said a damn thing to him about what I was beginning to feel for him because apparently it probably wouldn't have meant anything. Not enough of a fucking CHALLENGE. fuck that shit. Just fuck it. I can't even.. I'm just so fucking frustrated and alone here and I know I cant have anything created here for me, trust me I know. And it's just .. I'm miss not feeling alone. I miss it so much, I miss spending time getting to know someone. 

but maybe who knows.. chances are that thing is a one time thing. But maybe not. I don't know if I care at this point. 

HA, to think I even remotely had a chance in hell. Heh, how fucking amusing is that thought? huh? To think, I was thinking about plans and thinking about how to get closer and get to know him better. And .. I'll probably still do that. Though all I will be building is a closer platonic relationship at best.

..I'm just so tired though. I think I need to get some coffee unless I'm tempted to drink until ..who knows. Just going to get some coffee. Sorry about this update but, I had a lot to get off of my mind.

Heh

Aug. 6th, 2012 10:52 am
demacrux: (Default)
 I must say I am amused by how some of my co-workers are all bragging about how big they used to be in size and such.., this is counting landmass size by the way. And its just oh well..I'm just happy to be alive since I was a part of a several of those conglomerations.  And part of me wants to just walk out and be like .."Yea well, call me when you get over yourselves." ..But I know that won't happen so I just drink my coffee do some programming work and relax here while M's music is playing. Very good stuff, I must tell you. 
demacrux: (Default)
 This will be a relatively short entry I'd say since there is no overwhelming thought other than that a friend of mine has been posting pictures of these damn delicious cakes that I just would eat all of them. Always. I'm skinny with a rather high metabolism, I could do it if I wanted to. And I am seriously tempted to as well. They just look so good.. ugh. 

Mind you, I would have asked already if this wasn't the same guy that I am rather confused about how I feel about really. Which makes me feel awkward about possibly intruding on him whatsoever. But any case, I just really like looking at delicious sweets. Especially cake. Though I like eating them more.
demacrux: (Default)
 I'm just glad that I managed to have a bit of an adventure with my friend offline. Went to a nice place to walk, had some delicious ass tea. And I don't even really drink tea all that much. But this northern berries flavor, SO GOOD. SO FUCKING GOOD. Looked fancy ..so I might post a pic later and uh things have been alright.

//currently scrolling tag of someone I find quite attractive. This keeps me contented for the time being mmm handsome.//

..Ed.

//Shut up, I'm allowed to do this.//
demacrux: (Default)
 M hasn't had much to say today really. So I guess I can speak about something that has been troubling me a little bit. It's just kind of frustrating to be surrounded by all these people in love and getting engaged. And hell, my best friend is getting married today. I'm happy for him, I really am.. but one kind of wonders if he'll be left behind by all of this. Sure there are the reassurances of friends still being friends. But what if I never get to act on my attraction to a coworker. It seems pretty likely right now since.. well there is no opportunity and I just kind of really miss the feeling of being cared for and I just get rather envious of those who have that.

Guess my major problem from time to time would be envy I guess. Wanting what others have. Just so I can be remotely contented with my existence for the time being. I suppose, it's a good thing that I haven't done anything wicked or foolish because of it. ..At least not recently. Centuries ago, before invasions and such..I might have taken part in some rather unpleasant acts out of envy and desire for control. But heh, that didn't work for me did it? Heh.. sorry to go rambling on about my past.. one think that I try to not hold on to it too much.

But this kind of rather isolated feeling, sometimes some company in-universe that is would be nice. Until then I have this writerly being to accompany and whoever cares to talk. Good enough..

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