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 Compromise, in most cases this was a word Eduard was rather familiar with. And not entirely opposed to it. While he would prefer some arrangements on his terms, he knew how effective a good compromise could be. Especially when there was no other way for him to get anything good out of the treaty. Not without resorting to means that didn't seem to be worth the effort. So in work, compromise not a bad idea. 
 
..But he was starting to think about another compromise that he would have to be willing to make. At least he thought he would have be willing to make..if he wasn't going to be alone for at least a time in his existence. Navigating the ways of a feelings that he hadn't really bothered to pay attention to, the Estonian found that his sense of attraction wasn't exactly the usual. The drive try and get physical with someone wasn't there and the idea of finding someone attractive in a way that would lead him to want to seek out that kind of closeness was unfamiliar to say the least. And the more he observed the conversations among his fellow nations about such topics, the more he found that his lack of interest wasn't exactly par for the course. 
 
This wasn't exactly a comforting thought as one could guess. Already having some anxiety about seeking intimacy but uncertain how to pursue it, now he wasn't sure if he should even try at all.  The thought that he would maybe have to try and enjoy an act that he was at best indifferent about for the sake of maintaining a relationship filled him with dread. Not to mention the idea of maybe letting whoever this partner seek someone else out for their needs saddened him in ways that he wasn't sure how to express. Besides that's just if he ever ended up with anyone again in the first place.  These compromises had him shying away from expressing his feelings several times before and he can't help but think that it would happen again.
 
Oh, how he wished there was someone he could talk to about this situation. Eduard didn't think he knew anyone who could really relate to this acknowledgement of his lack of attraction in a sexual sense and his anxiety about driving others away because of it. Not that purposely trying to keep away from people was helping in any way whatsoever. But avoiding the situation altogether was the only thing he knew that he could do for the time being. 
 
The whole matter was almost enough to make him relieved that his last relationship hadn't reached that part before a sudden disappearance. But no, he couldn't bring himself to feel that way especially not when he remembered how good it felt to have someone like that and how much he would give to experience the closeness again.  Still, he couldn't help but wonder how much would he give..what kind of compromise would be required for him? Would it be painful ..? Discomfiting? It's not like he hadn't participated in such intimacy before..but it was so long ago that he wondered if it even counted anyways. 
 
All of this had him wanted to just give up the ghost in regards to that. Besides, he had other things to worry about. 
 
Nonetheless,there was a shatter inside just considering all of this. And he didn't really want to know what exactly that shatter was. 

Admission

Jun. 18th, 2013 10:42 pm
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 If what I might have for you was simply aesthetic, this wouldn't be a problem. I could live with just finding you attractive. I find plenty of people attractive. And I'm comfortable not acting on that vague sense of..hmm you're good looking. But alas, with you.. this is not the case. But do I have any basis for possibly being curious about more? I've haven't gotten the chance to spend time much, you're not often around. Understandably so, you're still trying to recover from recent events. And for that..I wish you the best of luck. I'm sure that you'll be fine. I wish I could say if you ever needed anything from me, feel free to ask. But I don't want to be pushy. Ah so much, I dread that. 

..Still, how can I know this weird thing is not fleeting if I don't talk a bit more than a brief greeting. If we don't share some time over coffee. If I don't play any records for you. Or even better..perform a song myself. Piano and voice, I don't do it often..but I would for you. I don't know why, and it annoys me a little. Because I fear that this will have been fleeting without any sort of a chance to bloom. Then again, perhaps it would save me from being shot down in a way I can never see myself prepared for. Maybe we just don't have much to say. And yet.. I don't think that's true. I've enjoyed your company before and you've..mine. I want to see more of your land..and not just for business, and maybe just maybe you'd like to see mine. 

How can I know you better..when I have so little opportunity. And the windows are so brief, it is barely a whisper I get by. How can I make an attempt with these anxieties that leave me totally dry. The reserve, reluctance..the tendency to overthink. It'll all be the ruin of me before I even begin to speak. How could I ever solidify whatever us lurking here when I just don't know when you'll be near.

Perhaps I should seek another. But I'm not good at that. Aesthetics is different from a sincere interest, and that is a definite fact. I don't know if I like waiting, but I'm sure that is something I'll do. If I ever get the chance to make learn more about you. The past you're willing to admit, I can maybe open up a bit of mine. Or we could just move towards the future when those memories in the back of our mind. I don't quite know why but before I'm through, I can't help but imagine taking a stroll with you. In the evening with the stars fill the night sky..and maybe we'll sit by the water and occasionally glance into each other's eyes..hah..it all sounds quite silly and yet all too real. The things that my mind conjures up based off of this rather ambiguous feel. 

Making a move in this department, all I know..terrifies me so much more than I can adequately show. I don't what I'm saying anymore, I feel..I worry that I'm simply too much of a bore. A dry man ..very hidden passions, reluctance (and or disinterest) in physicality..no ..who could be drawn to that. It does make anything in my head any less true. I loathe this, I am not sure if I ever will admit this but I would certainly give anything a try with you.

Wonder

Nov. 15th, 2012 04:15 pm
demacrux: (Default)

 
I can't help but wonder. The holidays are coming fast, and I have to be ready for my friends. I have the gift list prepared and a special account for the money I set aside specifically for buying gifts this season. I always do, I like to be prepared and have enough. And maybe if these items are on sale, I have some left over. Works for everyone. But the holidays.. I don't really know how much I anticipate them. Of course, I go to the celebrations that my people put on, Christmas markets and trees and all. It's a rather nice sight I can't help but admit. But knowing that my people will go home to their families and have time together reminds me that ..I really can't go with them. Too much at risk for that, so it's returning to an empty house. Playing traditional and seasonal music and cooking. Sure friends may stop by and maybe it would be better for me to spend the day elsewhere at least after seeing the usual sights. I have no idea where though. None at all. And somehow this really worries me. I can't say I haven't had bad spells over the holidays, but I manage to get through them fine. So I'm going to be alright..But I want to have plans. I do, I really do. 
 
 
I wonder what it's like to be loved. Consistently. I guess one could say I've known the feeling, but it feels like I've forgotten it completely. That was how brief the moment of knowing the feeling was. And though it's relatively recent, there's been enough time where I've recovered from the loss. If only feeling like I've barely grasped something to let it fall out of my hands so suddenly. 
 
I wonder about families. Can't have a normal one of course, that's the condition of who I am. That's fine with me. But there are some with families or at least family-like bonds that are pretty interesting to see. Of course, there's the risk of that being a rather dysfunctional one, or one coming apart at the seams. I've seen cases of both. But dysfunctional probably wouldn't be too bad, as much as there might be frustrating or embarrassing moments, they would still have each other's back no matter what. ..I guess I wonder what it's like to have that support. Those ready to defend if one is attacked or insulted even if they don't always get along well. No one should try to tell me that my neighbors to the south and I are.. no. Common struggles at certain points, and sure to assist each other if necessary. I do see them as friends..but not what people tend to assume due to proximity. And possibly ignorance about whether we even relate to each other. (Spoiler: I don't to them, they probably do to each other.) I really haven't had that kind of bond if I'm quite honest. I wonder about it. If people ask why don't I see them as family, it's something I can't really control. Can't control who can feel rather kin to even if they are rather different. And well, the aforementioned aren't those I feel any sort of kin-ish feeling towards. I can't. I don't know why. I'm alright with the Baltic association, fine. I don't care. But brothers?..No. 
So I wonder.
 
These are the thoughts I probably shouldn't share with people too often. They'll think that I've certainly gone mad. 
 
demacrux: (Default)
He was starting to breakdown again. He had keep himself together in the face of such overwhelming loneliness. He would have to maintain hope that the one that he loved would return. But with no word, no sign, nothing..it was getting really difficult. He found himself in melancholic spells every now and again. And this one was particularly bad. He wanted to reach out to people but didn't know how without seeming like a bother. Shouldn't he be more mature than this? More responsible? No one got this upset over missing someone they loved dearly, right? It was absurd of him to be this way. But no matter how much he tried to talk himself out of this mood, the sadness was overwhelming. He just wanted to feel like he still matter to someone, but there was no way to tell right now. And he felt so weak..so weak for not being able to remain composed. All he wanted to do was crawl into a bed and stay there for a while. Productivity was definitely not a priority at the moment. Split between berating himself for being like this and falling deeper into the feeling, there was an overwhelming sense of hopeless. "What am I going to do? I have no idea." He thought with a bitter grimace on his expression.There had to be a way he was stronger than this. There simply had to be a way. And he was going to find it, even if he was going to fall into the emotional pits of hell to find it.
demacrux: (Default)
"If I was..bold enough, I would follow you forever but.. darling please, rescue me, Take me out."

On stage, a tall,lean, bespectacled youth sang out passionately towards the audience singing of a quiet yearning to get taken out." Some may say, it's my fate, am I just in time or am I late..if you can understand..then Take me out.." He looked out in his performance trying to spot the rather handsome man in the audience who seemed to be at all of the shows lately. "Something real, make me feel.." The words flowed with a melody and a directed message. A purpose.. he wanted it to be known that if the other had any interest, then make it clear and do it soon. No one else in that room seemed to matter all that much. Sure if they were enjoying the show, that was great..but that was ultimately a bonus for the singer hoping so desperately that the older man would take some note of him. He meant..after all, the other sat the same place every time and would look directly at him with a look that could mean so much but it was indecipherable to the youth at times. And this scared him but he continued singing in order to finish the song rallying up those who were willing to participate as well.

Humming the tune, the youth had just finished taking pictures and signing autographs with some of his fans. Perhaps they were surprised that he'd be a little more introverted than they expected. Though what could they expect coming from a boy looking like him. He did resemble the timid type anyways..what was he even doing on a stage? But then the voice..that voice made it clear to everyone what he was doing. Nonetheless, he was making his way back to the dressing room when he feel a tap on the shoulder. It was unfamiliar but he suspected he already knew the source. Turning around, he saw the man from the audience standing before him with what was apparently a picture request. And some flowers. His favorite flowers..hmm he must have talked to his best friend at the last show. Clearly. In the midst of the picture being taken, the young man felt a little kiss on the cheek and the slip of a note into the flowers. He reddened as he was likely to do in any such situation and looked at the other with a slight grin in return before taking out the note which revealed the other man's name, number and a brief declaration of his feelings and of his intentions to yes, take him out. A few moments later, the youth was able to at least return the kiss and promise to contact the other man before finally making it back to his room. Where he opted to just lie down and dream for a little while. He didn't think it would actually work after all. But it did. Strange how that can work out that way.
demacrux: (Default)
Here I am sir, good day. EVB-224 at your service, though I am commonly referred to as one Eduard Von Bock. I attend these meetings every few weeks or so. I interact with these beings neither human nor machine. They feel awfully human though to say the least. They have lasted for years, as have I. But on my part, it's not without some maintenance. Especially throughout the more unfortunate circumstances of my existence. It's hard to repair those rips of the "flesh" I wear on the everyday basis. Too make them resemble human scars rather than the tears that they are. I try to maintain relations but I will never be as close as I should be, it's just the nature of my condition after all. I maintain distance regardless of whether I want to or not. If I were human, or even like the others, I could say there is some explanation within psychology for this couldn't I? But no..it is not meant to be that way. I can not imbibe the drinks of which they are so fond of. At least not easily. There had to be changes in my wiring so I can even bear the liquids without destroying my circuitry. Hmm, if only they knew that behind these frames that I do not need, these eyes are not human, they are not nation, they are purely mechanical. I wonder..in as much as I can wonder. What their reaction would be to have co-existed besides a robot for all of this time. One of sensors and synthetic parts rather than any kind of organic origin. One, that can never relate as thoroughly to their people as they can. If I am quite honest, I am only representing this land, Estonia as that is where I was constructed. Or...where I took up residence more accurately, years and years ago. It's all grown so fuzzy. Constructed memory is a funny thing. I can't name my creators or when I was created. There is my own history I can't quite answer for ..and if I'm being.."genuine" I may suspect otherworldly origin. As no technology that I've ever seen on Earth has ever come close to resembling the parts and design and programming contained in myself. Though they are making some progress, the humans they are. Maybe one day I may not be the only one interacting through an android point of view. Though chances are, the humans might try to destroy each other first.
demacrux: (Default)
Sitting in the dorms, the youth hadn't been in any way productive for a few days. Not that it was necessary for him to do so, it was break after all. He had been texting his best friend who had opted to leave for the holidays. He wondered why he hadn't left as well but knew it was because he would be mostly alone here or there and didn't much feel like making the trip for nothing.He had his gifts shipped to him and spent the holiday with a fellow student talking quietly about their motivations for remaining at school. But he didn't expect to hear a knock at the door. And he really didn't expect to see the friend of a friend over whom he had previously pined and pondered hopelessly. He shyly greeted the stoic youth before him and asked what he was still doing here, wasn't he planned on going to see the friend? Apparently not, something had transpired between them and the taller youth was a bit tired of being in his room all the time. Nonetheless, the isolated student was glad for any sort of company and welcomed the other inside before brewing some coffee for the two of them. There was a resulting exchange in unexpected intimacy, related stories about seemingly hopeless feelings and how to get over someone seeing them as merely a friend. Over coffee, the normally quiet students revealed things that wouldn't have seen the light of day otherwise. Including one's having thought a considerable amount about the other. It was an accident of course but the leaner of the two had inadvertently confessed and was soon quite red because of it. For a moment, everything remained quiet inside that dorm room before the guest shifted a bit closer to his host and ..and pecked him right on the cheek before pulling back a little red himself. The student who had confessed grinned warmly at his guest before hugging him in return, never having appreciated staying on campus as much as he did at that moment.

Drabble

Jan. 3rd, 2012 10:39 am
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The man wakes up clutching a pillow rather tightly for once. He hadn't really found himself wishing someone was there ever. But for once he was and he didn't much know how to feel about it.After all, he was getting pretty close to a friend from the north lately and they always did spend quite a bit of time together whether it was at his place or the other's. Not too far a trip by boat to get there but he realized that he was missing his friend for reasons he had never much encountered before. Did he have some feelings for the other man? Did he? The questions ran through his mind as he stared vacantly outside the window in his bedroom. He tried to examine what he really thought of this friend of his. Intelligent,pretty caring, great smile (which was a rather rare sight, though he had been seeing it more and more), just overall great to be around. The other man could relate to his troubles with overworking and though they were both rather quiet, not a lot needed to be said when they were together. "And he could make me smile so easily.." he muttered drearily. He didn't even really know why, the idea that someone could inspire these sorts of feelings in him really had him antsy. At least as antsy as one could be in a semi-awake state. He looked at the pillow he had been clutching a moment ago with some longing. He genuinely wished that his friend was there...he would be the rather protective sort after all. Though he knew that wishing wasn't going to anything, he wasn't really certain what to do either. ..I crave his presence..his attention, his affection. The man looked out the window again saddened by the thought that he was really having feelings for his friend and that he didn't know how to handle them. "It's not like I've really been able to express such thoughts before.." once again muttering to himself. In the end there wasn't much resolution rather than a muttered curse and a return to sleep while clutching the pillow.
demacrux: (Default)
It's been a few months since the death of Sydney Prescott and everyone in the town has done their mourning. I didn't really know her well at all so I had barely any to do in the first place. Mostly attend the funeral because literally everyone else was there. Why did it matter so much in the first place? Wasn't it inevitable that Ghostface was eventually going to catch up to her? I mean that's who was the intended target in spite of all the other deaths that have happened. And there had been a lot of them. Prolific killer, that Ghostface is.Or was. I'm not sure anymore. There hasn't been any news regarding the killer in months ..about as long as Sydney's been gone actually. Strange isn't it? Nonetheless, a group of high schoolers that knew and somehow I got dragged along had some kind of get-together mostly to try to move on. I suppose everyone had managed to get over it especially the one guy most expected to have a little more trouble with the process than anyone else, one Billy Loomis. Boyfriend..well ex-boyfriend now of the deceased. He's on the market, the word is going around. And girls are trying to decide whether or not to pursue him. While he is attractive technically speaking, what I'd want out of him I doubt that I get so I opt not to think about it too much. Here we are sitting around a bonfire talking about something or another that I blatantly don't give two shits about and the topic of horror movies comes up. At first people are clearly reluctant to discuss the subject being that this discussion was part of the modus operandi of Ghostface and they don't want to risk it anymore. So I decide to speak about horror authors instead, my personal favorites being Edgar Allen Poe and H.P. Lovecraft. I ramble briefly about each saying I get more terror out of one their tales than from any movie. Of course it seems to go over most of teens' heads to my chagrin and dismay. I opt to remain silent for the time being and focus on the fire instead, starting to tune out the noise of chatter about whatever and ever. For a moment, everything seems extremely peaceful an I simply watch the rise and fall of the flames, definitely engrossed in the fascinating movement. And then.."BWAAAA!" Out of nowhere seeming a yell comes and I fall over completely taken aback. Getting up shaking slightly I glare at who appears to the culprit, a close of Loomis's, Stu Macher chuckling madly."Not particularly funny.." I respond with a sigh before getting back on the seat. To make things worse, Loomis seems to have taken a picture of the incident. Damn. why why why me, and why tonight. "Are you kidding me?! That was funny as hell!," Macher responds wrapping an arm around my shoulder."Saw you just completely focused, couldn't help myself at all..heheh" He giggles once more now with head on my shoulder.I grimace and subtly glad that my skin tone doesn't show blushing very well as blood rushed too my face at that moment."Not one for personal space are you," I manage to say albeit weakly and not with too much conviction as I would normally. "Not so certain that it wasn't warranted," Loomis replies taking the seat on my other side."You don't seem absolutely convinced that you don't like it." Once again caught with my own expression, I sigh quietly grimacing once more but still not altogether uncomfortable as Stu opts to not only have one arm around me but both. Thus resulting in more embrace like thing, giggling like mad. I just look at Billy a little concerned."W-what's he doing? I mean he's usually odd but this is uh..something else to say the least." While one boy is just being affectionate beyond bounds, his friend pauses to try to explain but not before chuckling a little himself."I'd like to know what's funny.." I manage to say clearly before getting the explanation I'd least expect."Heh,don't you know..he's more or less trying to get you..as in get together kind of." ...My mouth opens slightly and I'm more or less shocked. More chuckling I hear before Stu chimes," Oh~ don't act like you haven't had some kind of thoughts about us before..I can tell.." He winks and kisses me slightly on the cheek.A little more than mortified, I squirm while facing the fact that yes, I did admit to feeling attracted to the pair all year long, even among accusations that they may have something to do with Sydney's death.Those were never proved anyways. And if they were true, that would be a personal horror revealing what that means about myself more than anything.Still that wasn't something to think about as now I had two, two teenage boys overtly affectionate in ways I really neither understand but resent. In addition to Stu's madness, Billy has now joined the.."party" of sorts, wrapping arms around my waist so that I am now trapped in between the two."Great..a sandwich.." "heh now you are one," more strange laughter. This is definitely not what I expected coming to this get-together. Nope.I didn't order a serving of over-affectionate strange strange boys who I happen to have been quietly yearning over all year. But this is what I got, and the three of us once more fall off the seats. I don't even bother trying to get up at this point. I'm dominated anyways. 'Let's get out of here, this place blows anyways.." I hear Billy say to his compadre (yes I used that term, I don't quite understand why either). This results in my getting lifted over Stu's shoulder, accompanied once more by some giggling and another peck, this time on the neck, which leads me to shiver slightly. Departing the fire, I look at the flames once more, knowing that this was only the beginning of whatever the hell is going happen with these two. And that this was much more than I ever expected out of anything. Might as well make the most of it.
demacrux: (Default)
You don't like me, do you? I'm sure you don't no one really did. I've been a trophy state for many, cared for by few.Well, one if I'm to be honest. I've been lumped with those that I care not much for. We are not brothers, although they may be related to each other. I come from a whole another family altogether. When will any of you recognize that? Never I suppose, not relevant enough to do so. After all I'm just a small country, what do I even know outside of how to profit since regaining my independence. I've been around a hell of a lot longer than anyone suspects that I have been but it is no matter. And to those I have more in common with as a family, why won't you accept me? You know my best friend and I originate from a common ancestor and you accept him, why won't you have me? Is it because you've been so comfortable labeling as something that more and more of my people as well as some of yours have been recognizing as rather inappropriate? Won't go outside of your comfort zone? Oh I don't fit your aesthetic,not pretty enough? Since when does beauty have to do with what family one identifies with? What a load of bull. So now I'm still trying to maintain a good relationship with those I've been lumped with for convenience -sneer- while attempting to get it through your head that I am indeed one of yours.Believe it or not. So I can't really be bothered with trying any more. I'll do what you ask of me in return to a favor but just know that beneath this polite and awkward exterior, there is a bit of seething of being left to be conquered and a trophy state that no one cared about...well there was that one time.the good ole times, one of you ought to recognize that phrase, since you were my ruler at the time as apart of your empire before ..him.Nonetheless I've been talking way too long and I can't go on anymore with this. I suppose I'll just be going back to my work again.
demacrux: (Default)
 A young man sat quietly in the front row of his classroom. It had been half an hour since class let out but he was still there just sitting, as if there was something he expected to happen. The teacher had departed and the remaining students who were socializing before leaving had also gone, leaving him completely alone. He leaned back and looked out the window. He didn't really have a reason for not going back to the dorms right now.It's not like there weren't things that he could be doing there. Not including homework for he had completed his assignments for the day during his lunch hour. Sure he could have spent that time talking to his best friend...well his only close friend to be quite honest. Known for only his intelligence and his skill with technology, the young man would only be approached if someone needed help with homework or something with their laptops. Used to proceeding this way, he managed to at least subdue if not outright suppress the loneliness and melancholy that accompanied this inadvertent isolation. He had been part of a group before but he had been used for his skills as he was now in addition to being threatened on a usual basis.Not really healthy at all for him, though he must admit that he might not be doing the right thing not telling anyone how he felt. Not even his best friend,  who seemed to be busy with another friend of his. The young man would never admit in addition to his feelings about the situation socially, that he may have some kind of feelings for his best friend's new friend. He had no idea how close they were and to be frank he was a little intimidated by the tall, stoic youth.At the same time, he looked down at the floor while thinking about how simultaneously he felt both attraction and intimidation to this youth that would probably never acknowledge him nevermind reciprocate the attraction. This was what the young man did when he stayed after class, he went through the thoughts that he would never, could never reveal to anyone. What were the chances that anyone would listen? And before the thought the best friend arises, he finds himself upset that he's been telling his friend less and less since the other had been busy. He could always tell his friend and the friend would probably reassure him of the same. However, there was something inside him that made him reluctant to tell his best friend. He didn't want to be a bother, he wouldn't try to be a downer. So he leaves the thoughts on the inside, picks up his belongings-feeling and looking rather drained and finally headed back to the dorms.What he would do there would be anyone's guess, but the young man reckoned that it wouldn't be too productive to say the least.

November 2014

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