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 “…because I rant not, neither rave of what I feel, can you be so shallow as to dream that I feel nothing? ” R.D. Blackmore
 
Ah if only I did actually feel nothing. Perhaps my existence would be a bit better for me. Sure I would not have the euphoric highs but nor would have so many turbulent lows. Especially not the sort of lows that tend to follow me about these days. Unrelenting and terrifying persistent. Mind you, I do have appreciation for the fact that I have survived things that at several points, I was quite certain that I would not. I suppose that is common for someone of my kind. However, it seems like a past like mine has to come with something to be proud of.
 
If only that I did feel nothing. Then I wouldn't have so many inner turmoils about the fact that I can not and will not express the entirety of what I feel to practically anyone and at a given moment. It could be something of a relief to be so private but when in the midst of a storm that demands release, I will tell you..it is tortuous in ways that some of the physical pain I have endured tries to match and yet doesn't. Not to mention the sheer amount of frustration at why should I be feeling this way since..hah progress right? RIGHT? There has been much change, a lot of it for the better. And I ..I hope(?) that it continues to improve in the future. Oh don't get me started on hope though. Maybe a change has occurred in me much for the worse and I don't dare speak the true nature of this plague upon my heart. 
 
-a solitary sigh-
 
To feel nothing. To not carry this cyclical nature of okay and not okay, trying desperately to reach something more than okay only to reach it briefly and fall terribly back into far from okay. And then by nature cover it up in front of others. Wanting to shake off thoughts I deem not important enough to share because I have a reputation to protect. And I dare not become a burden upon others. 
Even if I do like the idea of being able to rely on someone for comfort now and again. What's the point in searching for it when I can not even allow myself to enjoy it. 
 
What is causing this? I'm not entirely sure..I wish it would be related to my people, my duties, the land. At least THEN it could be reasonably explained. At least then there could be something that makes sense in this nonsensical dilemma. But as much stress as that causes me sometimes, the inexplicable and illusive nature of this problem is driving me to question so much about myself. 
 
..How foolish. To not be able to figure this out. I should be smarter than this. 
 
And yet no. To feel nothing, a wish I certainly should not wish but occasionally do so anyways. 
 
I suppose if I am going to feel something I would like to think that relief may come out of unleashing this somehow. A little bit would be very nice.
 
Let's hope in this one case, I truly do not feel nothing. 

November 2014

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