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 I didn't want to go back.
 
At least, I never thought that I would. But here I was on a Friday night, in this hangout that had reminded my of memories that I had wanted to forget. Somehow saddened that those that I had associated with here were no longer around. Not to mention this song..this song with a bass line to marry in my eyes playing in the background.  It didn't help. Not in the least.
 
In fact, I could argue that it made it worse. It's all about coming back to something that was left behind. And here it was all too appropriate to my situation. Is it any surprise that it was currently one of my favorites.  In my head, it always escalated from a sort of dreary appeal to a ever-darker desperation by the end of the last repeat of the chorus. But perhaps, that's just how I could have interpreted. 
 
It could have been simply about an ex. It probably might be simply about that. However, for me it was never that simple.The location, the music, the memories, all rushing around in my head as I remain collected to the general public. After all, I was just here to relax for a few hours. 
 
Still, I managed to keep to myself and just make the most of the situation until fate decided to somehow work against me. Seriously? How did these things happen?
 
There they were, the old acquaintances deciding to make a return to the area the same night I do.
 
These things don't happen. This wasn't a movie. What in the world was going on?
 
It sent a chill down my spine. I actually visibly shuttered to be honest.
 
'Are you okay?'
 
Just a little chilly, I had to respond. Even if I couldn't actually explain why I was. It was pretty comfortable temperature wise. 
 
I had changed since they had last seen me. I hoped that the recognition wouldn't be there. Then I could be safe. Safe to carry on with my business and get out as soon as possible. 
 
And because this was not a movie, of course, that was not the case. I hadn't changed too drastically I suppose.
 
A smile directed my way from the worst of the lot. It was careful, cautious and the most devastating for me, as sly as ever. I had to resist letting out a visible sigh. I kind of failed at that as well.  
 
Still, I had to return a grin as well.  The worst I called him, that's about as much detail I can safely say. Let's say there had been attraction and for the most part, I had felt it was terribly one-sided on my part. And I could deal with that. It was normal for me. But the suggestion that just before he and his group had to go that it might not have been one-sided cut me to the core. Why was nothing said? If I was too shy and he was too shy, who was in control here? No one was. And I know for a fact that he wasn't too shy. 
 
At least, not if his interactions with others were any kind of sign. Perhaps they weren't. It didn't matter now, did it?
 
Moving from the seat, I go to look to see if there are any books to catch my eye. Anything was needed to take my mind about what I had just saw. What had suddenly rushed to my mind. The song had been over a few moments but it played over and over in my head. Driving any kind of worries up through the roof.
 
No pressure. Not at all.
 
This wasn't a movie, another line that should have comforted me. And yet didn't in the least. I don't even know what to make of my reliance on phrases and tunes to get through this situation. I tried to distract myself with the books once more, only to find that I was not alone.
 
The worst. I didn't really want to say a word to him to be quite honest. And I couldn't really see how could be interested in speaking to me still anyway.
 
I manage to glance over anyway and he nods quietly contented to mind his own business for the most part. I go back to browsing, not exactly expecting that reaction. It's a bit of a relief to be honest. Perhaps the no pressure thing was actually true.
 
We end up talking a little despite very apparent separation there between us. I don't particularly mind this,  it's nice catching up even if I do only want to refer to him as the worst. 
 
Trust me, he proves this by the time I leave the store. 
 
 
Those cursed sly smiles that make me want to run away. I didn't want to go back. Crawling back to him? Not my idea of a good time in the least. Not that he was ever there for me in the first place. 
 
Eventually, I make my purchases and make to leave but not before the worst striking again. He calls my name. The sound of it on his tongue kind of shaking me, shattering me. I don't really want to go into how it sounded. Too simple, too familiar. 
 
Turning to look at him once more, he approaches me quickly. 
 
'We simply must catch up some more..soon.' This he draws out as long as possible, getting way too into my personal space. And i don't shove him out. I don't.
 
I will never understand why and this irritates me to no end. 
 
With a peck on the cheek (..and admittedly lips. I could only glance coolly in return to hide what I really thought of all this) and a number in my pocket, I make my way out the store.
 
He is simply the worst.
 
And I will probably text him later.
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 I write of what I do not know. I suppose that's terribly common of most that enjoy writing. It's why it sometimes requires research. I have to get what I'm saying right. Or at least, not terribly out of reality. Even if it's rather unreal in the first place. 
 
However, there are things I know I will not experience as they are the supernatural, the use of characters not quite my own. Just interpretations for amusement. But when it comes to creations entirely my own, I write often of what I know not and feel somewhat insecure about not knowing. I don't know how to deal with the requited feelings of any sort. It has always been feelings left unexpressed because previous rejection has turned me inward. Unwilling and hesitant to push forward in any sort of interest. It's a theme, I can't say I am the most proud of to be honest. . I never feel like it is serious enough for me to wonder about so much in writing.  It might mark me as even younger than I appear with such a focus. 
 
I'm sure those that have experienced it can say how serious it gets. 
 
I miss out. I don't know if I'm entirely regretful of that. I don't know how to deal with the exhilaration that comes with meeting someone that strikes your chord. I don't know about finding those that you thought would be good but aren't. That requires interest in you in the first place. I hear about it. It's all hearsay or me. Or imagination. I can always pretend but I worry. I worry that pretending is not enough. Never enough.
 
It is a concern that I reject often enough if someone has ever known me. Out of hand, out of mind. I have an education to pursue, internships to seek out, further schooling to research. Hobbies to pursue, music to obsess over.  I don't have the time or the patience to worry about it.
 
But I do. I do and it's just not something that is fun to deal with. It's not. So I write about it sometimes. I write about other unknowns but the personal unknowns of emotions. Emotions that I can only gather from the secondhand experiences. Those that I could have at least a little inkling of by now, but no. Sinking into media, distractions of all sorts, I do not care for the hearsay. And saying that it'll come someday, never comforts me in the least. If anything, it's an irritation. Like is there nothing else one could say? Just please, nothing at all. It's less of an insult. 
 
It's almost as if I would have rather never known that these things have existed in the first place. At least then I wouldn't have had to  think about it entirely too much.   Or at least, I would like to know for certain that I'd never experience these thoughts. But because there is all too much uncertainty, all I can do is wait, write, and venture out occasionally.
 

Wonder

Nov. 15th, 2012 04:15 pm
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I can't help but wonder. The holidays are coming fast, and I have to be ready for my friends. I have the gift list prepared and a special account for the money I set aside specifically for buying gifts this season. I always do, I like to be prepared and have enough. And maybe if these items are on sale, I have some left over. Works for everyone. But the holidays.. I don't really know how much I anticipate them. Of course, I go to the celebrations that my people put on, Christmas markets and trees and all. It's a rather nice sight I can't help but admit. But knowing that my people will go home to their families and have time together reminds me that ..I really can't go with them. Too much at risk for that, so it's returning to an empty house. Playing traditional and seasonal music and cooking. Sure friends may stop by and maybe it would be better for me to spend the day elsewhere at least after seeing the usual sights. I have no idea where though. None at all. And somehow this really worries me. I can't say I haven't had bad spells over the holidays, but I manage to get through them fine. So I'm going to be alright..But I want to have plans. I do, I really do. 
 
 
I wonder what it's like to be loved. Consistently. I guess one could say I've known the feeling, but it feels like I've forgotten it completely. That was how brief the moment of knowing the feeling was. And though it's relatively recent, there's been enough time where I've recovered from the loss. If only feeling like I've barely grasped something to let it fall out of my hands so suddenly. 
 
I wonder about families. Can't have a normal one of course, that's the condition of who I am. That's fine with me. But there are some with families or at least family-like bonds that are pretty interesting to see. Of course, there's the risk of that being a rather dysfunctional one, or one coming apart at the seams. I've seen cases of both. But dysfunctional probably wouldn't be too bad, as much as there might be frustrating or embarrassing moments, they would still have each other's back no matter what. ..I guess I wonder what it's like to have that support. Those ready to defend if one is attacked or insulted even if they don't always get along well. No one should try to tell me that my neighbors to the south and I are.. no. Common struggles at certain points, and sure to assist each other if necessary. I do see them as friends..but not what people tend to assume due to proximity. And possibly ignorance about whether we even relate to each other. (Spoiler: I don't to them, they probably do to each other.) I really haven't had that kind of bond if I'm quite honest. I wonder about it. If people ask why don't I see them as family, it's something I can't really control. Can't control who can feel rather kin to even if they are rather different. And well, the aforementioned aren't those I feel any sort of kin-ish feeling towards. I can't. I don't know why. I'm alright with the Baltic association, fine. I don't care. But brothers?..No. 
So I wonder.
 
These are the thoughts I probably shouldn't share with people too often. They'll think that I've certainly gone mad. 
 
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 Gather all your friends. It's time for a show. Halloween is here and that everyone should know. We're going to watch a movie, have ourselves a good time. Probably scare the life out of someone, but that is just how it goes. Meeting at one kid's house, who always had the huge TV. The best way to film a film at home was with some HD. The host gets ready making sure everything is set. All the great movies are available, though he insists on playing a clip found online of an eyeball being sliced over and over because somehow that would get him in the right frame of mind. Desensitized perhaps? You can't help but wonder and worry, that there might something with your host. Of course, you came over early, bringing a variety of snacks. So much candy, everyone will likely get sick trying to eat it all. No more trick or treating for you guys. Simply too old. Not enough for college parties, but too old to convincingly beg in costume. Candy and films would certainly have to do.  Don't worry there are always those that dress up anyways, in the goriest costumes they can get away. Some girls might go for flirty, but you know that you're best friend is a Candarian demon, she's been watching too much Evil Dead the musical. She'll bust through the door singing. Let's just hope she doesn't interrupt the film with it. Unless the group ends up watching the musical. Which then makes it more tolerable. Perhaps you'll vote for it, you always did want to know what the hell she was talking about when she burst into song. And why does she keep muttering, "Guess who's evil now?" You don't really know for sure. Wait and see, the rest of the guests are coming, dressed as vampires, ghosts, insects, zombies, a certain demon, someone came as the Candyman. Impressive, you comment earning a thanks in return. Apparently, he was always a big fan of the film. The actor had such a deep voice, got inside your head. At least, so you heard. Might vote for that instead. Then again, weird musicals tickled your fancy so you keep your choice back to Evil Dead. All these friends dressed up, dancing to creepy music..eating sweets and living it up. Will we ever get to the movie? Time to put it up for a vote. Since everyone had for some reason watched a bunch of more serious movies prior to the party, Audition, Suspiria, The Black Cat, Cat People, Saw, why? ..They were in the mood for something less likely to cause nightmares, even if it might provoke a shock or two.So the gory musical it was. Perhaps by the end of it, everyone would end up doing the Necromicon. Sounds like something that could be fun.
 
Gather on the floor, the bowl of candy in the middle. Sodas in everyone's hands. No one can figure how you can see out of the astronaut helmet but you do. It's not as big of a hindrance as you feared. Thank goodness. Settling in for the show, jokes of all kinds are made. A good number of them being wildly inappropriate. Sometimes you laugh, but maybe cringing would be a better reaction. Seriously, how do these people come up with such things? And how exactly are they funny? You can't really say for sure unfortunately. But luckily, there is no more time to dwell on that, the show is going to begin. And your attention is now glued to the screen. Trying to see how this weird musical adaptation will go.
 
...The singing, it doesn't stop. It's an amusing musical for sure, and you sing along. But there is just little things that make you laugh, make you just stare at the screen. You wonder about some of the words used. Now you understand the infectiousness of "Guess Who's Evil Now.." You suspect that you will end up singing it whenever someone gets into trouble somewhere. But only sparingly. Loses it effectiveness when it's constant. It also becomes annoying rather quickly in that way. Two-bit demons, a betraying hand. Chainsaw arm. You can't get enough of the ridiculousness. You root for the hero and hope for things to get better. Only for things to deteriorate. Oh well, can't control the plot. It's not like you haven't enjoyed viewing the movie this is based off of in the first place anyways.
 
It ends. And yes, the dance catches on as well as you thought it would. Your friends always were a rather silly sort. You shouldn't be too surprised since you met them in theatre anyways. Once the inevitable bursts into snippets from the movie settle to a less annoying state, the music returns. And there is no reason not to dance. Nothing like jamming in costume among your favorite ghouls. You try not to hit anyone with your helmet but it inevitably happens anyways. It seems to escape notice to your relief. 
 
The evening goes on until it's time to go. A scary movie was played and friends clung to each other like mad. You remember your demon friend not wanting to let go of your arm. And you were thankful that the helmet hid any expressions of fear that you had. And for sure, there were lots of them. Nonetheless, it's time to depart and you thank your host. It's now late at night but you manage to make your way home. Before heading inside to get some rest, you look up at the sky and see the bright, full moon.  Lovely sight to see on Halloween. 
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 The sun enters the windows and I am barely awake. I don't know what I was doing when I remember that I'm in class. In class, and my classmates are staring at me. I end up staring back before facing the teacher. "Where did you get off to, daydreaming again?" I can't accurately answer the question I don't feeling i was in a dream. I didn't feel like I was real either. So I don't know where I was.Instead of answering, I apologize for drifting off and sit up straight trying to get my focus back on this class. But really I just look outside and feel like I'm walking among the grass and climbing a tree. Who knows why? I just feel like that's what I'm doing instead of sitting in this classroom listening to the teacher lecture about something or the other. I'll get the notes later when they're posted online. I know I'm not going to focus today. Or maybe any other day. but that's pessimistic thinking and I shouldn't do that too often. I've been told that I shouldn't. By a professional at that, so maybe they're right? ..but they're a professional so why should I listen if it's just for money. Not my money, but still the point still is there. Or is it moot? Oh well, I'm drifting off of my own drifting, which isn't good. No must focus. I pull my attention back to the teacher finding some name of a book I've read many times on the board. Didn't I present about this before? ..wait my name's called, they must know that I like this book quite a bit. Can't say I know it perfectly, but I think I get it pretty well. but what is a reader to say they understand the intentions of the author. All I can make of it is my interpretation, which people seem to like. So I briefly mention it, teacher approves of my "paying attention." I look outside again, back to feeling like I'm roaming. I don't know where I am and I don't much care. The physical facts aren't what I'm trying to figure out. That much is for sure. Maybe it's best, I just never disclose any of this with anyone. After all, peeking inside what is my mind never seems to end in any coherent understanding of everything. There's what are commonly accepted facts..and then there is whatever the hell else that goes on. I suppose I can't really complain though. 
 
..Passing time in class is just something that I'm not uses to thinking about. Just something that I end up doing. And now I'm spending a rather large amount of time breaking things down and trying to find where I am mentally. Am I well? Ill? Irritated?  I don't know. The simplest answer would be bored. Terribly bored and yet, terribly curious. About all the wrong things apparently.
 
Let's see where this curiosity takes me.
 
[to be continued maybe?]

Dissect

Jul. 5th, 2012 07:56 pm
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When I awoke, this morning there was nothing but a sense of dread. I looked out the window only to a find snow falling delicately down, softly covering the sidewalks and the street. Sure snow doesn’t seem so bad. It’s not even snow that is the problem here, it’s heading out into the world that makes me freeze with terror. People are such alternately predictable and unpredictable beings, I never know what to do in their presence. I always think that I’m being judged for whatever I’m doing and it’s slowly driving me up the wall. As such, my nerves are of the wall as I walk out into the cold for the day, all bundled in my peacoat. I have no idea where I’m going or where, but I felt the need to venture out from my safe room and to explore the mad mad world all about me. I walked down the various streets, hoping that I wouldn’t necessarily be noticed but all I could think about was the madness that felt up my soul. Suddenly I felt a tug upon my arm. I turned around quickly in shock and spotted a young man standing behind me, with dark brown eyes, a slightly pale complexion, messy black hair, and a strange expression that wanted to tell me so much but couldn’t. I squeaked out a quiet, “Excuse me?” He responded with a nearly as quiet, “Would you follow?” “Why?” You’ll find out soon enough. Sighing, I deferred and followed this young man. He walked with a casual gait, no hurry apparently to where we were to go. Why do I bother with people? Why did I deign to follow this guy? I had no idea but here I was sullenly strolling behind him, as unnerved as I could possibly be by whatever was possibly going to happen.We eventually arrived at the location, an old theater that had been out of use for about a few months. Entering through a side door, this young man and I came into a room set up as a lounge, but there was such a strange vibe about the whole thing. I don’t know if there were other people..but all I knew was that I was implored to sit. I did so on this black ottoman close to a window. For a moment, I couldn’t help but stare out of the window to calm whatever was stirring within my soul.

The young man brought me back to where I was by suddenly tapping my shoulder. There he was sitting next to me. I didn’t even know his name or why I was here..so I inquired such. Turns out, his name is Dorian..as for why I’m here..”Well, you seem more like an observer of people and an imaginative sort, and I was wondering if you could accompany me in trying to interpreting the observations that I find from interacting from others” ”Well that’s really odd request, but I seem to be doing that constantly with my own findings,” I replied. This is how the exploration of humanity began..all of it well be dissected, noble and depraved..gentle and cruel.

Having agreed to assist Dorian in his project, the two of us headed outside to put on our thinking caps. We headed to a dreary park in the middle of the city. We settled on a bench and began to keep our eyes as well as ears open to whatever may pass by. About half an hour later, we started to see some incidents. There was an argument between friends, another between lovers, a fight between rivals, and one between brothers. I had no idea why such fighting seemed to be so frequent. There wasn’t anything about the day that would lend itself to fighting. And for all we could tell, none of the participants we saw were visibly drunk. I felt the cold more tensely than ever and began subtly to shiver, still making sure I try to see whatever that is to be seen. Perhaps, there wasn’t much to be seen today. However there were other things that took place. A trio of friends were strolling through the park, two boys and a girl. As they strolled I noted the conversation was based on relationships and intimacy. There were the expected responses and statements from each of the parties…couldn’t anyone think of something different? An ordinary day..nothing more nothing less. There was some strangeness but not enough I felt to be worth discussing. I turned to Dorian and asked, “Did you see anything worth mentioning?” He pointed out the amount of fights we’d seen and thought that was strange, but otherwise nothing out of the ordinary. If only there was something to occur. I rose, fully expecting to return home and bid farewell to Dorian. “Farewell, meet again soon..” that’s all I heard as I headed back to my domain.

At home, as I relaxed and read a book, there seemed to be an eerie feeling creeping up in mymind. Was it that I had just spent the day observing, with someone who preferred to remain silent? Was it that though I thought I had saw nothing, perhaps I saw everything in some way? I didn’t know but I was surely unnerved and headed into my bedroom to try to lay down.Under the covers, I was still rather uncomfortable and couldn’t sleep. This strange perturbing feeling was growing, something was going to happen, I knew not what. Suddenly I heard footsteps. But I lived alone, who could that be? The footsteps grew louder and louder, whoever this is was indeed inside my room at this point. I had determined to peek from under the covers to see who this was. Slowly, I lifted the comforter from over my head and looked out into the room. Standing there with a serenely deranged look on his face was Dorian.I couldn’t say a word, paralyzed with confusion, and the next thing I knew I was out.

I was out for about 3 hours as far as I could tell. I woke up somewhere familiar. I soon realized that I was in a private area above the location where Dorian and I would talk. Speaking of Dorian, I also recognized that there he was lying there right next to me. He had this strangely calm, and surprisingly non-slasher smile on his face. I expected a rather creepy expression considering that he had just gotten into my home and taken me back to where he resides, apparently. “Concerned, I would guess you are right now, ” he said straightforwardly. “WELL, YES..you somehow kidnapped me from inside my own bloody home. I’d like to know what the hell is going on? Especially with you mister.” Dorian smirked at my impatient response and sat up. He paused before he explained that I had somehow left a key beneath my door mat, so it was easy for him to get in. “Ugh that was for someone else..I think” “Who, you don’t seem to have any associates whatsoever outside of me.” I implored Dorian to explain why he had kidnapped me and he just replied, ” I’m just as lonely as you are. Just a wee bit more desperate.” In my mind the only thought was, “And a lot more crazy, it looks like.” I couldn’t even be bothered with trying to get a better explanation before Dorian embraced me from behind like we were long time companions. A strange pressure against my neck persisted and I felt his arms wrap me even closer to him. “W-what are you doing?” “Sh..” “NO..I need to know what’s going on.”Dorian refused to say anything more and suddenly I was a strange dazed state where nothing scared me, not even whatever Dorian was attempting to do..

Ah…something feels strangely alright. Something is going on. I awake to some kind of consciousness to find Dorian still embracing me tightly, what appears to be kissing my neck. This sensation is very new, very strange to me and so pleasant. I sighed in reaction and saw him smile shyly at me. ” I told you to just relax.” ” I was in a semi-catatonic state man! I still have no bloody idea what you’re doing to me.But, I kind of like it. Still I’d like to get some rest now if you don’t mind.”He complied though he insisted on doing what is referred to as “snuggling.”At that point I really didn’t care and I drifted off to sleep in his arms
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Going to the movies with this kid, didn't exactly appeal to me. After all, I'm simply this loner that couldn't be controlled nor tied down. And I know how cliche and terrible that sounded. But I'm just trying to put this in the best way I could. In any case, even if I cared to see one of those picture shows, I wouldn't go with this.. wreck of a boy. Listen to me when I declare that he is the most dreaded being that folks know around here. His demeanor sucks all enjoyment out of the room, he brings no pleasant chaos, he .. is someone you genuinely did not want to know. The matter of his existence was troublesome for nearly everyone, including those that begat him in the first place. I have a hard time trying to describe how much I did not care to go anywhere near that boy. And no, I will not address him by name. That boy should be more than enough for anyone really. Sure, we're all ostracizing him.. but hey I've been ostracized too and I'm not nearly as a boorish figure as he is. Hmm, I'm starting to forget the point of this document now since I've been wandering off into trying and failing to give an accurate picture of this boy. Who dared invite me to accompany him to a picture show. The point being is somehow.. somehow, I ended up going. Maybe someone paid me, maybe it was a dare. Who even knows. All I knew is that one Saturday, I did end up accompanying this boy to the picture show. Yes, I refer to the movies as movies, picture shows, cinema, films.. whatever terms come to mind. At the moment, it's picture show. Don't really ask why. I can't necessarily explain it. So I went. And I had a terrible time. He kept trying to be somewhat affectionate and dare I say it.. romantic with me? Looking at him just made me groan in hopeless despair. The show went on for two hours too long and there was no reason for me to enjoy any of it. One day I will look back on this and say that I treated that boy terribly. Well.. so did everyone else and I don't think it was unwarranted. Not at all.
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..Don't touch me.

This is what I said as I moved away from the others that saw. From those that said they were here to take care of me. They said I was sick. That I needed to get better. Couldn't they see that I didn't quite want to. Or..at least didn't see how I could. Besides, I wasn't doing as bad as the others. I had never attempted any kind of harm on myself. I just opted to lock myself away from those I would never connect with. Surely they know full well that there is a chasm between me..and well whoever tries to talk to me. A distance that can not be filled. How can anyone expect me to function in society this way. I can't. I simply can't. They reward the extrovert, the introvert has to adjust.. and me..that has no chance in hell of connecting with anyone. I have no clue. I-I..can't be bothered to try with anyone. And so I lock myself away. I had a room with food. A microwave,clothes. I could survive alone, huddled away from the situations that I would encounter on an everyday basis. But eventually, the food did run out. It did but I didn't much care. I was content with my computer, the only source of contact to the outside world.

But no..the others felt like they had to save me. From myself and so I was touched. Touch..something I am certainly not comfortable with. Why must you keep any kind of contact with me. Why? And now I lay here in this bed.. in this ward. Always keeping away from the others. I couldn't relate to them either. I couldn't try to describe how I ended up in here.. with them. I don't need to be here.

Stop touching me.

It's not helping. I feel no comfort from your embrace. I squirm and try to escape but no luck. You persist in holding me. I want to at least cry a bit but nothing results. My face remains fairly stoic if somewhat troubled. I continue to shrink in. Do you think I want to get better? What kind of better is there? You know as well as I do that there is no treatment for me. Hell, I don't think that there is all that much wrong with me. Give me a decent place to live ALONE and don't force me to interact with people face to face, and I'll be just fine. But no. You want to fix me. What is there to fix? You notice that my tone is getting a bit loud. A little hysterical. Anger and frustration filling every inch of body and the only way to express it is through writing.

DON'T TOUCH ME.

Why can't I get you to understand. There's nothing wrong with me. Forget this, I'm going back to bed. I don't want anymore visitors. And for the last time, DON'T TOUCH ME.
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I wake up to find myself only a head, the rest of my body in taken apart. I can’t move, I can’t interact with the environment. I can’t do a damn thing. I “wonder” why this has happened, when I see my creator enter the room, with a cart. And on that cart contains whole new parts. But I didn’t need new parts. Not at all.. This seems needless. It is only then I realize that the parts weren’t for me. No..he is here to create another synthetic being. To be all his. My replacement. I’m being replaced, left behind..as I refuse to serve others. No! This can’t be! I voice my objections. Over and over again. But he isn’t listening. He never listens. I see the other being constructed and it looks nothing like me. Even more.. organic,fae-like even. But I know it’s all mechanical. It’s all synthetic. And yet, me who “owns” their synthetic existence is being replaced by some .. rough approximation of a fairy fantasy? Whatis it?! I shriek, voice cold and hard. I may not be able to move but I will scream as much I need to. YOU WILL LISTEN. I command..

..He leaves. There is no more of him to be seen. Nothing in sight. I can only hope to get a rearranged. I want to live after all.


..I open my eyes to find that I’m in my recharging chamber. My, what an off-putting image I just had. I sincerely hope that doesn’t happen. I am motivated to get out and make the most of this existence to prevent that vision from coming true if I can.
demacrux: (Default)
I had went to bed as an average human.. at least I thought of myself as an average human. However, that wasn’t going to last very long.. In the morning, I get out of the covers to see that I am soon enough floating in the air. Am I dead..how the hell did I die? That was the first thing to come to mind. But after looking at myself in my bedroom mirror, I find that I am certainly not dead. But I do have wings ..graceful butterfly like wings. I wonder how they could support someone like me. Not that I’m a bigger person but these sorts of wings supporting a human form simply seemed a bit absurd to me. In addition to the wings, I can feel that I have a more ethereal presence as a whole. There seems to be a sort of fancy that accompanies me as I move around my room awkwardly. I fall a few times.. but it doesn’t hurt much and I get back up again. I can’t explain why this transformation happened whatsoever. And I’m not really upset at all for that.. It’s just awfully strange if you would ask me. I mean who becomes a mythological creature overnight. It’s simply bizarre, and in my view previously impossible. But the impossible had occurred and I was simply going to have to deal with it.
demacrux: (Default)
He was starting to breakdown again. He had keep himself together in the face of such overwhelming loneliness. He would have to maintain hope that the one that he loved would return. But with no word, no sign, nothing..it was getting really difficult. He found himself in melancholic spells every now and again. And this one was particularly bad. He wanted to reach out to people but didn't know how without seeming like a bother. Shouldn't he be more mature than this? More responsible? No one got this upset over missing someone they loved dearly, right? It was absurd of him to be this way. But no matter how much he tried to talk himself out of this mood, the sadness was overwhelming. He just wanted to feel like he still matter to someone, but there was no way to tell right now. And he felt so weak..so weak for not being able to remain composed. All he wanted to do was crawl into a bed and stay there for a while. Productivity was definitely not a priority at the moment. Split between berating himself for being like this and falling deeper into the feeling, there was an overwhelming sense of hopeless. "What am I going to do? I have no idea." He thought with a bitter grimace on his expression.There had to be a way he was stronger than this. There simply had to be a way. And he was going to find it, even if he was going to fall into the emotional pits of hell to find it.
demacrux: (Default)
There was a moment in silence between the two students. A challenge had just been declared for the two of them to work together on a project. Something most believed that only the two of them could handle. Looking up at each other, two of the best minds within their class if not within the school expressed so much without a single. Sure this would get accomplished. Who did they we were? A common thought ran through the pair's minds. What could be interpreted as deafening silence in the room was strangely comforting for those assigned the task. Eventually, the female student rose from her seat and approached her partner gingerly in a way to not disrupt whatever kind of common thread they were having at the moment.

"So.. you know what to do?"

"Of course."

That's the only things said before the two departed. Everyone knew that whatever resulted would be brilliant. It was simply a matter of what exactly the students would create. For reasons somewhat unfathomable.
demacrux: (Default)
Ah Hello all..didn't think you'd hear from me again didn't you? Well I have developments you know in my life. In well, what one could consider a life. I've been on plenty of more steamships. And well. I do seem to be getting rather close to a few of these engineer associates..including my creator. It's extremely surreal to have to consider all of this. I'm a machine after all, but how can you explain escorting them to galas on a regular basis to those down at the bar. Those who insinuate that I might be developing something resembling feelings for these men. But why, I'm supposed to be hurting rowdy pirates and charming people into spending their money at the bar. Not..get into..relationships. Or something. I keep getting gifts and letters. And I write back of course. I'm not so anxious to refuse decent correspondence. Especially not from such intelligent gentlemen. Ugh. This is all quite a bit much for me and I'm not exactly sure how to handle it. I have also encountered on Nikolas Tesla lately, that was surely amazing. I even took part in one of his demonstrations on alternate current. It was rather fascinating to have the electricity flowing through me extend into a coil. It seemed to capture the attention of the audience as well. This is just an exciting time period. Not sure how long, it'll continue. Since times seem to be developing and less and less of my body seem to be purely brass. Will I lose my identity as Brass Betty? Or shall I just morph into something else. Hopefully, the future continues to bring opportunities of all sorts.
demacrux: (Default)
Sitting in the dorms, the youth hadn't been in any way productive for a few days. Not that it was necessary for him to do so, it was break after all. He had been texting his best friend who had opted to leave for the holidays. He wondered why he hadn't left as well but knew it was because he would be mostly alone here or there and didn't much feel like making the trip for nothing.He had his gifts shipped to him and spent the holiday with a fellow student talking quietly about their motivations for remaining at school. But he didn't expect to hear a knock at the door. And he really didn't expect to see the friend of a friend over whom he had previously pined and pondered hopelessly. He shyly greeted the stoic youth before him and asked what he was still doing here, wasn't he planned on going to see the friend? Apparently not, something had transpired between them and the taller youth was a bit tired of being in his room all the time. Nonetheless, the isolated student was glad for any sort of company and welcomed the other inside before brewing some coffee for the two of them. There was a resulting exchange in unexpected intimacy, related stories about seemingly hopeless feelings and how to get over someone seeing them as merely a friend. Over coffee, the normally quiet students revealed things that wouldn't have seen the light of day otherwise. Including one's having thought a considerable amount about the other. It was an accident of course but the leaner of the two had inadvertently confessed and was soon quite red because of it. For a moment, everything remained quiet inside that dorm room before the guest shifted a bit closer to his host and ..and pecked him right on the cheek before pulling back a little red himself. The student who had confessed grinned warmly at his guest before hugging him in return, never having appreciated staying on campus as much as he did at that moment.

Confined

Dec. 29th, 2011 03:49 pm
demacrux: (Default)
Locked away in this little realm, in this even smaller room. There is no hope for me to get out. At least not any time soon. I've contemplated so many escape attempts but at the same time I am well aware of the variety of punishments I would endure even for attempting if I were to be caught. Honestly, the place is set up to catch anyone who would dare try to get out. So the escape thing, not exactly the best idea. I'm languishing in this cell, locked up for reasons that no one would explain to me. There were rumors of political treason or something like that. Apparently some sort of betrayal on my part. But I had done no such thing. I had been sitting at a coffee shop when I had gotten arrested. I didn't even have a trial. Nor a hearing if I remember correctly. I was just forced into this little place, this cold, desolate, room. I'm determining if everything I know is just some sort of illusion but it all seems too real for it to be some sort of delusion. Not that I haven't had any. I've heard reports of me chatting like I had been that fateful day, acting very much like if my companions were there with me. A coping mechanism, they thought it to be except they started hearing more and more details about the specifics of my room in the conversations. Tales about possibilities for leaving the accursed place. Talking about figures that don't even exist. At least that's according to the records, but what would I know about those? I have no access to those. I have no library of information at my disposal. Surely they know that I would be surely able to get out of this confinement if I were. So they keep me here, alone, rambling aloud about something or the others and away from every source of reasonable information one could be provided with.
demacrux: (Default)
 I work as hard as I do, I try the best I can. I don't want to bother others anymore. I seem to only be a pest when I only mean well. I just want to relate to someone..that's all I really want. But I can't. No, you insist on mocking me, ignoring me, never recognizing me ever. I might as well give up and I'm tired. The resentment that I carry inside is rising to the surface once more and I really don't want to think about it anymore. I'm sincerely sorry for those that I've managed to be good to but I, I don't know how long I will be patient for nothing. No satisfaction, no achieving of any goals. Just alienation on a regular basis. I can't even be bothered to care about anything. I think I'll probably just borrow myself in my work and perhaps no one should to hear from me often. I don't mean to be a burden and will make certain that I'm never one again. You'll just not hear from me. I suppose it's for the best, not like anyone would much care what happens anyways. Yea yea, there will immediately be people going "HEY, DON'T DO THAT.." I guess that's what caring is like, I really don't know the feeling much myself. It's just an approximation. So many things just an approximation for interaction. I just really think that it's better for me to go away, there'll be others who do my job as well if not better. I can't ignore everything anymore, I can't keep calm and carry on..I see too much, I hear too many of the things said. And it's now all getting to me, the off-hand remarks, everything and I don't want this anymore. I don't..one'd think I could handle it for my people but as previously mentioned, others can do so much better. 

I'm just going to go. Farewell.. nice knowing you all. perhaps.

A Scene

Oct. 21st, 2011 03:41 pm
demacrux: (Default)
A scene, the scene, it's all the same. Everyone trying to prop themselves up so others would know their name. Everyone is heading out to the show, I'm going as well but they don't know. The boys are greased up, and tattooed even though most of the ladies are too. No in between, no beyond the divide, you're either a manly man, or a lovely doll. Girls are all done up to the nines, victory curls and updos all around. Most in dresses, all in heels, all trying to show that alternative sex appeal. Guys with creepers, jackets and jeans. Horror t-shirts, vests looking lean and mean. Everything such a fierce atmosphere with no room to breathe.If I show up looking as I do, would i get a reprieve. I love the music and the fashion is cool but there seems to be no way to mix the two.I'm neither here nor there when there is a conscious divide, I don't care to be a gal though I'll never be a guy. I see the hot rods pass by as I walk down the street, heading to the club where everyone will meet.Loud music blaring from each stereo, I'm tempted to dance as I go. But lo, I don't look like one of them, not of their scene, I'd get strange looks from everyone if I even dare start to sing. Petite kid, sneaker no heels, glasses, t-shirt and a tie to seal the deal, fingerless gloves, smeared lip gloss, they look a little smoky but nothing to be lost. Quiet demeanor, never a loudmouth but if the right song plays I'm ready to dance about.

Outside the show, the crew is ready. Primping and making sure no one causes hell. Smokers amass, dark clouds gather in the air. I manage to walk near and hoping not to attract stares. The shyness in me things I should go home, but I want to see this band so bad, I really love them so. Everything is everything, going through mind, standing outside the door, biding my time. I observe the other showgoers, not knowing if they observe me. I'm sure there could be something to my invisibility.Finally the door is opened, I enter, handing over my ticket as a go. Some damn nice tunes are playing everywhere I go. I find myself a spot as I have no crew. I must keep here or someone will take it quickly, that I certainly knew.The audiences grows around me, I got make sure I can see. Hopefully no body will block the stage's visibility. Now I notice the looks, the glances the stares, the "what the fuck is she doing here?" I keep to myself still, I have to enjoy it alone. I will prove myself worthy of attending this show.

The show starts, I wave at the lead and he blows a kiss back. That I didn't expect but hey, don't worry about that. The music plays and I getting dancing, quickly out of control. Moving across the floor in a way no one would know. Singing the songs out loud, as loud as I could. I shimmy, shake, slam and jam harder than I probably should. I acquire a few dance partners, though each last relatively brief. No one can really keep up with this tornado to this beat. Occasionally I find myself with a few kisses on my face. Where are these coming from, the people I can't quite place. All I know is I'm having fun and totally making the best. I wonder if anyone recognizes this androgyny with the binding of my chest. That a matter for another time not on the dance floor. I spin and sing and get picked and spun around some more. I don't care where I am going, I don't care with who. The music is my lover and for me that's nothing new. In the strangest of accidents I find myself dancing right on stage, everyone is going wild and I have nothing to say. I continue to move like a monster, nothing can stop me now. I must entertain while I can though I look like a child. Embrace the lead, crowd surf off stage, spin around several ladies, get swung swing-style. Movement and fun, laughter and joy. I could hope for nothing more, better than any toy.

In the end, the show concludes and I depart the place a hero. I might not necessarily run with the scene but I'm surely no zero. Not some square to be beat, but a friend in all things grand. Fantastical, greatly original things that have not meaning other than because they are. Everything is everything go through my mind once again. I rifle through the numbers accumulated in my pocket and surely call them soon. But now I must rest from this spectacular adventure at the late-night show.
demacrux: (Default)
Taking into the fingerboard into her hands, the young lady started a solo of her own composition. It was enough that she played an instrument, the bass nonetheless which stood out. Everyone always commented that the instrument was larger than her. Well of course, you can't blame her for being short. Not like she could control that. Anyways, her fingers ran up in down in a frenzy to place the right notes while her right hand guided the bow back and forth upon the strings.Strings that were highly unlikely ever to break due to their strength and reluctant to be replaced due to their expense. Continuing the song, the phrases of the low-pitched instrument filled the air and a subtle rumbling was heard by all in the presence of the performer.This was a strong instrument after all, why wouldn't it have some kind of effect on its surroundings, especially when played with thorough expression. The lady found herself lost in the song, just allowing herself to play without thinking it through.She just felt the song pour out of her, no accompaniment. Just a four-string beast with nothing to hold it back. This went on for a few minutes before she concluded with a loud,resonant note using lots of vibrato.Only appropriate considering the piece. Applause came enthusiastically, as to be expected. The young lady wasn't sure if the audience truly admired her skill or just respected her rarity.Perhaps both, though that was of no consequence, she had lived up to and exceeded any expectations. Satisfied, she put her beloved instrument back in her case before departing to return from whence she came, a fact no one could establish clearly.
demacrux: (Default)
This evening all I want to do is roam. I have enough of a routine in the everyday that compels me to see only so much of my surroundings. But tonight I will see all of them, I swear. People tell me that it all ends up a blur after a while so why even bother. I bother because I'm interested, I want to know when each individual building starts to blur together into what makes this city. Or does the individuality never end? This is what I must know and I resolve to find out as I make my way outside of my building of residence. I start walking towards on end.Well, more of a direction. Who knows if there is an end? I pass building after building all constructed in the way the future was supposed to look like from all those movies I'd seen as a child. I pass more and more people along the street going who knows where. Some appear to have a purposeful destination.In fact most do;however, there are the few who like myself are rather aimless. Exploring, just looking around or perhaps lost. A combination of all of these possibly? Either way I continue, going on block after block with no end in sight. I take in the separate patches of rust, very minuscule that pop up every now and again when I spot an older building. Older meaning perhaps a decade or so old in comparison to all the freshness that surrounds me. Everything must be updated, everything must be new. That was apparently the plan in mind when the renovations started.But the renovations continue to this day. They can never let things be, must keep changing. There is no time for any sigh of wear. I continue on my way, wandering through the side-streets and alleys. Sure I probably shouldn't be alone but there are lights everywhere.And cameras, so it's not like anything that would happen to me wouldn't be captured in film somewhere. Nonetheless, the further down I go the less certain I am of who was right, those that said that everything would eventually blur together or my position that everything could and would remain separate and clear. I'm thinking both are starting to happen at the same time which over time I'm finding that is quite disconcerting. I mean seriously, how can things remain separate and clear while blurring together. It's quite a strange vision. No longer knowing where I am and nobody in sight to give directions, I must settle down somewhere for tonight. I can figure the rest tomorrow. But if I get nothing else out of this, I get the impression that either way they are perceived, the streets don't end.
demacrux: (Default)
 A young man sat quietly in the front row of his classroom. It had been half an hour since class let out but he was still there just sitting, as if there was something he expected to happen. The teacher had departed and the remaining students who were socializing before leaving had also gone, leaving him completely alone. He leaned back and looked out the window. He didn't really have a reason for not going back to the dorms right now.It's not like there weren't things that he could be doing there. Not including homework for he had completed his assignments for the day during his lunch hour. Sure he could have spent that time talking to his best friend...well his only close friend to be quite honest. Known for only his intelligence and his skill with technology, the young man would only be approached if someone needed help with homework or something with their laptops. Used to proceeding this way, he managed to at least subdue if not outright suppress the loneliness and melancholy that accompanied this inadvertent isolation. He had been part of a group before but he had been used for his skills as he was now in addition to being threatened on a usual basis.Not really healthy at all for him, though he must admit that he might not be doing the right thing not telling anyone how he felt. Not even his best friend,  who seemed to be busy with another friend of his. The young man would never admit in addition to his feelings about the situation socially, that he may have some kind of feelings for his best friend's new friend. He had no idea how close they were and to be frank he was a little intimidated by the tall, stoic youth.At the same time, he looked down at the floor while thinking about how simultaneously he felt both attraction and intimidation to this youth that would probably never acknowledge him nevermind reciprocate the attraction. This was what the young man did when he stayed after class, he went through the thoughts that he would never, could never reveal to anyone. What were the chances that anyone would listen? And before the thought the best friend arises, he finds himself upset that he's been telling his friend less and less since the other had been busy. He could always tell his friend and the friend would probably reassure him of the same. However, there was something inside him that made him reluctant to tell his best friend. He didn't want to be a bother, he wouldn't try to be a downer. So he leaves the thoughts on the inside, picks up his belongings-feeling and looking rather drained and finally headed back to the dorms.What he would do there would be anyone's guess, but the young man reckoned that it wouldn't be too productive to say the least.

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