Forgive me for caring. I cared too much and somehow not enough. I'll never be enough for you. Never quite feel strong enough. I know the nature of my feelings for you were outside of the norm. There was no way I was going to be able to conform to normal romantic expectations. ..Not to mention societal beauty expectations. I don't even present as a woman..not do I identify as one. Why would anyone bother to get involved with me? I don't know, no one has as of yet. And I genuinely don't expect anyone to. Forgive me for wanting to not feel alone, for wanting companionship. For caring about the idea of a platonic partnership where we'd share damn near everything and more. I..I don't know what to do anymore. It seems like it's entirely too much for me to want to have someone to rely on by my side. To send silly and sometimes questionable texts, to be affectionate, to accompany each other on all kinds of adventures. To hold hands and maybe be held. To lie on our backs spouting out the most random of ideas from everywhere. I guess it is too much, I don't know how I would explain this to anyone in the first place. I wouldn't be able to work up the nerve. That's what happened this past time..and many times before. And when I was able to say how I felt, rejection followed. It hurt more at the time..because I'm certain I felt stronger then. But now I don't, it hurts but it's not a romantic kind of hurt. It's a doomed to be barely friends kind of feeling. And it is quite a bother to experience. The things I would do for some kind of connection with someone in the way I dream about. I wouldn't care if it was long-distance or strictly online or whatever. Just to accept me and all my eccentricities and I would do the same for them. To have a desire fulfilled, it's a just a wish the mind makes.
Youth,something I currently possess though I know that it can't last too much longer.Still I suppose I should make the most of it. I mean people are always trying to preserve youth anyways. Protecting those who are young from what they probably need to know in these accelerated times having those beyond their prime desperately trying to find ways to prove that they are indeed with it. Surgeries, fashions that just look uncomfortable, denying what happens when one ages I suppose. In the past, there were quests to find the fountain of youth, and people did strange and went to just as extreme if not more so than modern methods to try to preserve youth. The experience of not knowing all that much but still thinking that one knows it all. To at least look like that they are still going through that time. I don't know what to actually think about this phenomenon. Maybe I should be concerned, but I'm not. I think this has gone on for ages and probably will continue to do so because that's just how people operate. I shouldn't say operate, makes people seem like machines but that doesn't hide innate predictability that ultimately most including myself have. To be completely honest, I know how accelerated things are and how those who are young like myself and even younger are trying to seem more and more adult, though I can't really say if this is a good thing. Though I have seen some side-effects that aren't exactly pleasant.Maybe that's why some are so willing to try and hang on to youth while the youth are in a way vaguely discarding it. But what do I know, these are just things I happen to notice. Things that I know don't necessarily apply to everyone but are kind of like a trend fairly ubiquitous.