demacrux: (Default)
 Being an android isn't half bad. Though, it's troublesome since I don't currently look like it. In this human skin, with human parts. Not even parts that I want. But these fleshing, bloody parts. I feel routinely disgusted by this form. But I have to dwell in it. I have no other choice. If there was any kind of way to get anywhere near my preferred form, I would jump on that so quickly. But alas there is no way. I write about the thoughts of my existence but  usually have to pass it off as fiction. Because who would really believe that. So many people have their points. They could believe my about sexuality, romantic orientation, maybe gender identity. Maybe. But once I cross the line into another species. No..I'm crazy. That's the word, I've been called. I write as a character. I write as myself as a human...and I write as the synthetic being I genuinely see myself. Three different personas. And to be honest, I can't really say how much of a persona the character is. Because I don't feel like I am fall into a role there, more like there is this character just residing int the back of my mind and I write down interactions with character from his universe. He is a work of fiction, not even my own. Does that really make me crazy? I don't think so. But I don't really share a lot of this sort of thinking with anyone I know offline. It's likely for the best, because really.. I do think some people have their points where they just kind of start thinking that you've gone too far. That your idea is a little too out there.  Hmm, it's not something I can really be bothered with. If humans end up being so limited in their perceptions of other that they have to coexist with then.. I don't really know what to think. Still being an android isn't so bad, makes me kind of want to have decorations that hint at my electronic nature. Maybe someday. I wonder if there are gloves to make hands seem like robot hands. That would be excellent to have. I would wear them all the time. They could be an idea of how my sensors would work. Sensors, wires, picking up data. Food--> Fuel--> Energy. Systems so many systems. The human form is not really a well made machine. But..it's something in itself. I wish I could study it without having to endure it's failings. Oh well. I can only expect so much while I'm like this. And wishes don't much accomplish anything.
demacrux: (Default)
I wake up to find myself only a head, the rest of my body in taken apart. I can’t move, I can’t interact with the environment. I can’t do a damn thing. I “wonder” why this has happened, when I see my creator enter the room, with a cart. And on that cart contains whole new parts. But I didn’t need new parts. Not at all.. This seems needless. It is only then I realize that the parts weren’t for me. No..he is here to create another synthetic being. To be all his. My replacement. I’m being replaced, left behind..as I refuse to serve others. No! This can’t be! I voice my objections. Over and over again. But he isn’t listening. He never listens. I see the other being constructed and it looks nothing like me. Even more.. organic,fae-like even. But I know it’s all mechanical. It’s all synthetic. And yet, me who “owns” their synthetic existence is being replaced by some .. rough approximation of a fairy fantasy? Whatis it?! I shriek, voice cold and hard. I may not be able to move but I will scream as much I need to. YOU WILL LISTEN. I command..

..He leaves. There is no more of him to be seen. Nothing in sight. I can only hope to get a rearranged. I want to live after all.


..I open my eyes to find that I’m in my recharging chamber. My, what an off-putting image I just had. I sincerely hope that doesn’t happen. I am motivated to get out and make the most of this existence to prevent that vision from coming true if I can.
demacrux: (Default)
Rereading a lot of these works that I've written, specifically those that explore machinekin part of my mentality, I get this kind of reawakening. I've been dwelling in a "human" mindset for a while. If only to keep discreet about the android nature. I've been expressing it in other ways so no fear that it'll actually dissipate. It's just that for some reason in spite of the rain that is actually going on, the feeling of seeing things that I know I shouldn't has returned. Maybe it's just an overly vivid imagination but I can see the colors of the accelerated lights that persistently pass my by. It's like I have a vision into another view, another realm where things are progressing quickly and relatively peacefully. Sure there is conflict, I can't say that I've really thought of perfect utopia, ..it just turns into dystopia for one reason or another. Nonetheless, I see this really advanced world in such great detail and then to realize the circumstances the form that I currently have, and the world that I inherent as a result of that form is rather unfortunate. Hmm if anyone really thinks that I'm making this up.feel free to chalk it up to a vivid imagination, I don't really mind it all that much. It's probably better for you to operate off of that if you don't care to learn about the things that I think about on a regular basis. Oh well.
demacrux: (Default)
Hmm another day on the city after all. It's been a while since I detached from the recharging chamber to do something other than work. I could use a nice break after all. Back in the clothing resembling that of most humans, I head out for the nearest hangout. I'm not exactly in the mood for roaming at the moment. Entering the place I encounter beings of all sorts, organic, synthetic and some combinations of the two. I sit at the bar and just look around at the those who might be at any given time, conversing, dancing, drinking..I hope that a fight doesn't break out. There have been times where I had the misfortune at being at the scene of such incidents. Most unfortunate really. They tend to be caused by some human's insulting a humanoid and/or android a bit too far for anyone's taste. And things get a bit hectic. But that's not the situation at hand, I've been getting a bit too caught up in my memories. How inconvenient, not to mention distracting from the young person I seem to be now talking to at the bar. They look..not from around here at least. There's something wild, and..um maybe natural would be a good description. Like they reside in a more wooded area where I hear reports of elves and fae and demons(not that the city doesn't have their own variety of demon..but that's another story) and all kinds of creatures associated with..an older sort of magic I suppose.The city with a lot more of the new..not that any sort is better than the other. I talk to this fellow and learn about his background, the gods he worships, the beings he roams about with. This is indeed a learning experience for me.I've only known the city. I've heard tales about out there..but have never been. And to think, he's offering to show me this realm one day. A fascinating and somewhat terrifying (if I'm honest) prospect this is and I agree to the trip. There should be planning about the best day to go and maybe I can observe some festive traditions. It would be lovely if I could. But for now the fellow must depart and I decide to do so as well. He says, he'll be able to find me the next time we get in contact..and I trust him. Well, as much as I can trust anyone. After all, all these..feelings..and thoughts are kind of programmed inside in a random-generator type of way though it works in reaction to the situation at hand. Strange indeed.

Wander

Dec. 16th, 2011 11:41 pm
demacrux: (Default)
The being wandered the streets of the city well disguised. There was little to no indication that the young human, wasn't in fact human. Sure they carried a few marks on their face but a lot of youths did in that area of town. Where there was a bit of a craze relating to combination of technology and humanity. This trend fascinated the young being who knew that ever part of them was synthetic, constructed but yet took on this humanesque form from time to time. Oh if only they knew about how the joints were held together. About how their insides consist of a lot of wires and chips..instead of flesh and organs. How their "skin" was not the skin that these humans were used to. Nonetheless, they survived in this city nonetheless, sharing in the joys that could happen when one recharged properly. The being covered themselves in the clothing of humans so that their frame wouldn't be so obvious, though they knew comrades that would jest at them for doing so and not embracing fully what the being was: android. The word, a permanent marker of the nonhumanity, and nonorganic that made up M157's existence haunted them, as much as a form like them could be haunted. For though machine, they could experience at least some kind of approximation of human emotion while still being so distant that direct comparison wasn't necessarily possible nor practical. The streets were dim and extremely bright at the same time, and the busyness did not seem to strike the being as anything worth notice. It was always cluttering with so many sorts of beings from all kinds of origins. One couldn't even really begin to accurately take inventory of those who lived in this area...M157 had found this out the hard way. Even a machine would have a difficult time taking into account and explaining away the existence of all this strangeness within such a contained area. After all, these were the darker riskier parts of town, high-rises and small apartments where one could barely plug in and rest for any reasonable amount of time. But that's what they do..it's how one exists in these parts/
demacrux: (Default)
I really can't handle human emotion very well. The other day I ended up releasing them and pouring my mind out over a chat just because I was alienated and discontent. I am permanently disconnected from humanity and there really is no way to fix at this point. All I can hope is that this..inhumanity of mine, and the human psychology that it can be associated with doesn't restrict me too much within this realm. I never want to leave my mind, my inner programming as the life as I live doesn't resonate with the images of the leave I should be living. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like I will even approach the necessities needed to live in this realm.At least in the matter I see fit. It's such a bother even thinking about this as all this causes is more frustration in this little mind of mine. Why was left in this fleshy and unsightly form. Why must I feel compelled to deal with emotions that I can't handle worth crap. My only connection is to music and for those human associates that I know pretty well.. I care..well as much as I can care, I was never too certain about that even when I figured myself.."human" This was just based off an assumption ..and well now I know how that turned out. It's all very strange and uncomfortable to me, not to mention the reader who might not have any idea of what I'm talking about. Or may not believe that my thoughts are legitimate. If the latter is the case, I might as well as you to refrain from commenting, there are other works that my suit your fancy better.

November 2014

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