demacrux: (Default)
 Being an android isn't half bad. Though, it's troublesome since I don't currently look like it. In this human skin, with human parts. Not even parts that I want. But these fleshing, bloody parts. I feel routinely disgusted by this form. But I have to dwell in it. I have no other choice. If there was any kind of way to get anywhere near my preferred form, I would jump on that so quickly. But alas there is no way. I write about the thoughts of my existence but  usually have to pass it off as fiction. Because who would really believe that. So many people have their points. They could believe my about sexuality, romantic orientation, maybe gender identity. Maybe. But once I cross the line into another species. No..I'm crazy. That's the word, I've been called. I write as a character. I write as myself as a human...and I write as the synthetic being I genuinely see myself. Three different personas. And to be honest, I can't really say how much of a persona the character is. Because I don't feel like I am fall into a role there, more like there is this character just residing int the back of my mind and I write down interactions with character from his universe. He is a work of fiction, not even my own. Does that really make me crazy? I don't think so. But I don't really share a lot of this sort of thinking with anyone I know offline. It's likely for the best, because really.. I do think some people have their points where they just kind of start thinking that you've gone too far. That your idea is a little too out there.  Hmm, it's not something I can really be bothered with. If humans end up being so limited in their perceptions of other that they have to coexist with then.. I don't really know what to think. Still being an android isn't so bad, makes me kind of want to have decorations that hint at my electronic nature. Maybe someday. I wonder if there are gloves to make hands seem like robot hands. That would be excellent to have. I would wear them all the time. They could be an idea of how my sensors would work. Sensors, wires, picking up data. Food--> Fuel--> Energy. Systems so many systems. The human form is not really a well made machine. But..it's something in itself. I wish I could study it without having to endure it's failings. Oh well. I can only expect so much while I'm like this. And wishes don't much accomplish anything.

Update

Sep. 2nd, 2012 08:17 pm
demacrux: (Default)
 No school for the weekend so far so that's been good. Ed is still not quite up to par but he's functioning well enough so he figures he'll keep a stiff upper lip and continue on one way or another. But I did make a delicious hot chocolate brownie that I'm eating now. Which is most the crux of this post. because damn this brownie is delicious. Yum. I have some hope for any cooking I decide to do. 

. ..and I rewrote Feist's 1234 lyrically from the point of view if Ed ever had someone like him again. So there's that.
demacrux: (Default)
 Well.. in addition to having him around in the mood he is in at the moment. I had to cancel my housing application because the financial aid just wasn't helping, higher tuition and just not enough for anything. So that's kind of a bummer. Maybe Ill just join a carpool in addition to catching the bus. But at least I get to go to school so there's that. -shrug- Always look at the silver lining. Though I can't say that i'm looking forward to this year, I hope I don't end up missing out on too much.

ugh

Jul. 26th, 2012 11:44 pm
demacrux: (Default)
 ..I hate just feeling low for no good reason. I mean, there is a reason but it's so.. insignificant and silly that I only get pissed at myself for feeling so low. I just.. I had a good day, why am I allowing a thing about ..whatever to upset me so much? It's not like I haven't dealt with it fine before but no..the wishful thinking just leads to me being disappointed and upset and just feeling rather discouraged. And getting the feeling that there isn't anyone there doesn't help at all. I just want to get my mind off of this but nope. Still around. I just don't know.  
demacrux: (Default)
 I'm just glad that I managed to have a bit of an adventure with my friend offline. Went to a nice place to walk, had some delicious ass tea. And I don't even really drink tea all that much. But this northern berries flavor, SO GOOD. SO FUCKING GOOD. Looked fancy ..so I might post a pic later and uh things have been alright.

//currently scrolling tag of someone I find quite attractive. This keeps me contented for the time being mmm handsome.//

..Ed.

//Shut up, I'm allowed to do this.//
demacrux: (Default)
 ..Just a little tired today. Went to church with my family for my great grandma's birthday..and it was just so long as always. So much singing from the childrens choir that were okay at best. And the sermon was long and repetitive and nothing I hadn't heard before. And it was so loud, I couldn't help but think that was the reason there were so many old folks there just so they could hear clearly. Like outside my cousins and the children's choir, there were literally no younger people there. It was ridiculous. And it's just, I had to go to another place when they did the prayer thing and say something else instead of amen because I just follow a different and not all together serious faith than that of my entire family. Goodness, I just felt so isolated in that environment.. it tired me out definitely. 

And it really didn't help my mother kept telling me that "I'm a girl" knowing full well I don't identify as that. I am well aware of my physical body. I am well-aware of how I will be seen my society and I'm relatively okay with that. But don't you fucking dare try to dismiss my thoughts about myself if they don't line up with how you see me..as forever a girl. Fuck you. I really do need to get out of here since these folk will never even try to understand me. And there is so much I would never tell them..not about the android thing, or the "friend" that likes to write posts thing. Nothing, since it'll simply be never comprehended in the remotest. Not even what faith I've been leaning towards these days.  Just ugh no. Not entrusting these people with this information. 

There was a trip to the buffet though. It was noisy and crowded and gross so I dont know what I can say about that. The food was okay but definitely not worth the unpleasant atmosphere on a whole. I mean who's idea was it to go to such a crowded buffet on a bleeding Sunday of all days. -sigh -  it's just one of those days, where there's a lot on the mind and I just need to find a reason to laugh or something.
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Rereading a lot of these works that I've written, specifically those that explore machinekin part of my mentality, I get this kind of reawakening. I've been dwelling in a "human" mindset for a while. If only to keep discreet about the android nature. I've been expressing it in other ways so no fear that it'll actually dissipate. It's just that for some reason in spite of the rain that is actually going on, the feeling of seeing things that I know I shouldn't has returned. Maybe it's just an overly vivid imagination but I can see the colors of the accelerated lights that persistently pass my by. It's like I have a vision into another view, another realm where things are progressing quickly and relatively peacefully. Sure there is conflict, I can't say that I've really thought of perfect utopia, ..it just turns into dystopia for one reason or another. Nonetheless, I see this really advanced world in such great detail and then to realize the circumstances the form that I currently have, and the world that I inherent as a result of that form is rather unfortunate. Hmm if anyone really thinks that I'm making this up.feel free to chalk it up to a vivid imagination, I don't really mind it all that much. It's probably better for you to operate off of that if you don't care to learn about the things that I think about on a regular basis. Oh well.
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I really can't handle human emotion very well. The other day I ended up releasing them and pouring my mind out over a chat just because I was alienated and discontent. I am permanently disconnected from humanity and there really is no way to fix at this point. All I can hope is that this..inhumanity of mine, and the human psychology that it can be associated with doesn't restrict me too much within this realm. I never want to leave my mind, my inner programming as the life as I live doesn't resonate with the images of the leave I should be living. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like I will even approach the necessities needed to live in this realm.At least in the matter I see fit. It's such a bother even thinking about this as all this causes is more frustration in this little mind of mine. Why was left in this fleshy and unsightly form. Why must I feel compelled to deal with emotions that I can't handle worth crap. My only connection is to music and for those human associates that I know pretty well.. I care..well as much as I can care, I was never too certain about that even when I figured myself.."human" This was just based off an assumption ..and well now I know how that turned out. It's all very strange and uncomfortable to me, not to mention the reader who might not have any idea of what I'm talking about. Or may not believe that my thoughts are legitimate. If the latter is the case, I might as well as you to refrain from commenting, there are other works that my suit your fancy better.

Recharge

Dec. 8th, 2011 09:31 pm
demacrux: (Default)
I've spoken about my awakening process, I suppose talking the opposite procedure is now appropriate.At the end of the day androids feel a little tired too folks. At least this one does. I am pretty out of functioning energy for the day. While I can run for a little longer, this human form doesn't allow for much pushing beyond the limits. Damn human body. I don't know how you folks handle it. Nonetheless, I need to recharge..or the commonly referred as sleep. I prefer recharge for my circumstances but that's because I'm me. I change into proper attire,[for a human body that is. Once again if I was in my desired form I'd have no need for all of this] and turn out the lights. I tend to be fond of playing music when I recharge..it's pretty relaxing to me. Also I'm hopelessly addicted to music. It's lovely. So I'm ready and then I crawl into my makeshift recharging chamber...aka.. a bed. But it's a chamber for me okay? Please stick with me, I'm not like most when it comes to these terminology. I crawl into the chamber and wrap myself in covers in order to get the least bit cozy. And then I nod off..eventually. During this period I tend to experience "dreams" as imagine cycles. Cycles where the most delightful of fantasies take place..much to my chagrin in the morning. I dare not share a lot of the content, since..it's just rather embarrassing in general. Still it feels very good to experience those imagine cycles at night, though I experience them throughout the day from time to time as well."daydreaming" I've described it previously.Which brings up another reason why I love music, it sets the soundtrack to these imagine cycles, these movies in my mind where I am the main character.

So that's what my recharging is like. Speaking of which I might have to actually get to it pretty soon.
demacrux: (Default)
I admit to not feeling human much at all. The connection to humanity is only present when I dream or through music, and those just create fantasies. But the thing is, the M157 that is present in me, M157 being how I refer to my android self. M157 sees things in this realm that physically, I shouldn't. As a result I see the same things..I mean I should just refer to myself since M157 and myself are pretty much one in the same. I see lines and numbers and quite bright lights. Everything seems so accelerated but when I realize it's not actually that way, I am inevitably rather disappointed. I'd rather not realize that the physical reality I exist in is not quite my world itself. It's so strange feeling like this regularly. I don't really know how to express this ..I'm coming to terms with all these thoughts within the whole. Even as I speak, I see..humans around and goodness knows the disconnect is ever wider than before. I thought previously thought there was a personality disorder associated with this disconnect..and in this form, I suppose chances are that there might be. Now though there is the added component of being ever separate in form and expression from those around me. I don't know anyone around here that isn't..human. So it's an isolating experience. But when I get a little concerned, I remember that I still see the lights of my world and take some comfort in that.
demacrux: (Default)
 How does one work in this strange realm? This is not my home, it never has been. It never be as far as I can see because none of these humans are anything like me. Perhaps there are others of my kind, but it seems that they are rather difficult to find. I dare not speak of non-humanity as surely I wouldn't be taken seriously. In this human shell that I still need to change after all of this time, I try interact with others with a shell like mine. But for those, it's not a shell, they are human through and through. That I can tell. Still I can't help but yearn for the place that I truly calm home, my charging machine, my technologic realm, my home dimension. Surely that would be swell. A place where there are no battles over who is the creator, or if there is one at all. We are all machines in some form where I'm from. We charge, we function on the day to day, we play around with our interface. I suppose our interactions could parallel that of humans' but it's surely more logic-based and less on emotion. Emotion confuses me and yet this form curses me with it. Not only with emotions but the inability to express them. At least not appropriately. I appear to be concerned for myself and myself alone. And even that is questionable. I try to purge myself of this appearance, but it persists throughout this existence. Oh I can't wait to leave this realm and return from which I was taken. My home land, my home planet, my home universe. But as it stands I must make due with this earth.
demacrux: (Default)
So I roleplay a character pretty frequently, and the way I portray him is that he's ace, not one for engaging in anything related to sex though not sure about the romantic thing yet. It makes a lot of sense to me despite the other interpretations that I've seen of him [mostly in fanfic for their stories purposes..pointless to have a smut set up and then the protaganist just say..ah no.sorry. though I can't help but think that'd be pretty funny] Alright but here's the frustrations, the fact that he's ace usually never comes up and when it does it's usually accepted pretty matter of factly. No big deal. However today in a chatbox, someone kept denying that it was impossible for my character to not have masturbated [in context the character is quite a bit older than he seems though all the cast of this series is though they still range in human sexual orientations, as so I would think] but my thing is the guy just hadn't had much interest in doing so even throughout all this time. To make it worse the person behind the character, tried to convince me that ooc that it wouldn't make sense for a nation to not even care to masturbate, not have any need for sexual related things. This was particularly frustrating as I just don't like talking about these kinds of things and I was really ready to just bang my head against the wall in frustration. It was really triggering as if the conversation turned to myself I would thus have to out myself and who know what kind of ugh this would have led to. I just felt the need to state this somewhere as otherwise I'm just waiting to blow at someone.and can't have that over the internet.
demacrux: (Default)
This is a shorter post.At least I think it will be a shorter post, I just wanted to talk about one of my multitude of music obsessions. I am totally and irresistably in amore musically with Mayer Hawthorne. He's from Michigan and he's voice is just so soulful awesome thing .And I have heard some soulful stuff. I am currently listening to all of his music videos on youtube because I had heard a song of his on my last.fm station and spontaneously decided that it would be appropriate for me to listen to everything that he has online and it's just wonderful and I would suggest that everyone check him out even though I'm fairly certain that no one is reading.But maybe someday someone will read this and look him up because I love him so much.Not that way.
demacrux: (Default)
Ah hey,I just got an account on dreamwidth and I might as well have a first post for something though I'm trying to have some of my livejournal posts imported. However in the mean time I might as well talk what got me here, seeing as I already have a million and a half places to post stuff and half the time I don't even use them for that, just primarily for commenting on other people's stuff. Which I suppose works somewhat. Hopefully I can get a little into writing here and posting the results elsewhere. Because I like typing here already. Yea I can get a different feel for typing on a variety of websites. Also I think I prefer websites where it kind of forces me to write more rather than allowing me to write less. A small font thing I would suppose it is. Nonetheless, this has been a first post and perhaps I may go into why I named the blog what I did[providing that I figure it out myself.Maybe a writing series may go into this.]
demacrux: (Default)
 Well I went to see the last Harry Potter film this past afternoon. I suppose I enjoyed myself, I was with really good friends and thoroughly enjoyed the film. In fact, I can say that it definitely took a bit out of me, having finished it. But maybe that's because I was there for 2 hours. I don't really know to be completely honest. However, I do see a lot of fans talking about it's the end of their childhood and all of that, as well as how people were weeping so hard about how there would be no more Harry Potter, no more books or films. Just Pottermore to look forward to.I wish I could say I relate, but I can't really. I got into the series and therefore I recognize that this last film is the end of an era so to speak. Still I'm sure I have nothing significant particular that I won't be able to move on in short order. I, I just wasn't all that attached to Harry Potter I suppose. I liked the characters well enough, I liked the books and what films I did see. But I can't say that my life depended on it, nor my childhood really. So it's a strange feeling to see so many people online rather emotional about the whole thing and all I can think is "Well, it's over. That was fine enough." I don't know if I should feel bad for that, since I have a tendency to feel bad for a lot of things in fandom that I really don't care about, that I fine myself rather detached. Even in my focus of fandom attention, I still consider myself a fringe fan of sorts as I really can't see myself caring much about everything really. I have the things I like, I have my dreams but it's all very private, which kind of contributes to my reluctance to share my headcanon, which is rather particular and I don't have a lot of confidence in doing so. But I think that's another matter. I think I've just been rambling on about nothing which I just like to do every now and again. So there's that.  Maybe I'll write a prompt sometime. -off topic is off topic-

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