The name

Nov. 17th, 2014 09:53 pm
demacrux: (Default)
 The name I tell you is both correct and not.
It's right because I go by it. It's wrong because it's not the name I call myself. Not always.
Not often even.
I am a person of many aliases.
I say this jokingly but I mean every word of it. 
The person you see and 'know' is only a hint at, an edited version of myself.
Guess that could be true of many people actually.
Nonetheless, the disconnect between how I read myself and how others read me grows by the day.
And to think that I allow it.
I allow it because it might be safer.
Because I can't consider most close enough to be worth the explanations.
I allow it  as any chance
Any chance of me making something of myself in this world relies on people
Reading me wrong.
And even then, what they make of me comes with limitations.
I can't say it's a very dramatic tale.
It's quiet, not a whole lot of outward tension or any at all.
Just a person with a personal view 
Much different than that which they share with certain individuals.
And even then the version is varied.
No one really gets the same me. The complete version.
Maybe similar editions though. 
These are just the facts of the life I've been living.
And probably will continue to do.
There's broadening my horizons
and sharing what may not be meant to be shared.
I fear, I do fear though
That one day that the person you meet will
Be so far removed from my actual self
The disassociation will get to me. 
And then what will come of that?
I just don't know.
demacrux: (Default)
I can't help 
This thought of me
As something outside the ordinary
Is pretty permanent
I can't deal with this image
No idea what to live up to
Sheltered from the world
Sheltered by myself
Isolation becoming voluntary
Imaginary world is where i seek comfort
When I fear that I cannot survive the real one.
But the imaginary, isn't necessarily so/
It's all too personal and close
I don't want to go
Don't make me. I don't care about
How the people will see me
Enough to get what I want..
That's all I will attempt
I can only be a better version
Of myself
And I can't let go of my comfort
Just to be a little more typical
If that means I'm a bit of a "noodle"
So be it.
Because compromise, while useful in some places
Can not be at the core of my existence
And I will not allow it

demacrux: (Default)
 I can't seem to handle the quiet very well.
I surround myself with noise
Live in a big city
Room with loud roommates
I will never get too much silence
Even if I'm on my own
Blast the loudest music I can find
Keep my headphones always
But there really no use
In trying so very hard to escape
It creeps back always
In moments that I least expect it
A pause, an awkward moment
Awaiting my reaction
Could I scream just to have it pass?
I would try but when I open my mouth
I am just as speechless
Silent as the world around me
Doesn't mean I can't try anyways.
"The more I try to connect with the world 
I am feeling more alone"
The lines repeat in my head
From an artist I shouldn't even know
But I listened to that one song
And related more than I could ever 
Dare to admit
I would never state it
Besides introversion suits me
Who would figure it comes with it's..
Problems. So many problems
But I'm getting off-track
These lines in my head
Soundtrack to my life
The reason I continue to try
Even if my words fail me
And man, I know how often they do
Voices, voices trying to reach me
All in my head
People I've never met
And never will
Have they ever existed?
I could have made them all up
But I wasn't trying to
Why are they here?
Whispers, shouts, conversational tones
They do not let up
I am not scared though
As long as I don't engage out loud
It's only then where the danger comes
Think me crazy


Oct. 1st, 2012 11:03 pm
demacrux: (Default)
Read more... )
Fixes everything that's needed
All the tech news from him
Removes the viruses
Updates the systems
Does as he's needed
Always with a warm grin
Shy and reserved but polite
Occasional one-liners
Brings a bit of a laugh for such a dork
Simply the best at what he does
Expects nothing more from this
Runs his own online business in the meantime
Higher up
Middle management
Often stressed
Yells and sometimes scares those below
No excuses for anything
Quiet, tense,  socially awkward, but excellent at whatever he does
But not all work
Looking for something someone
Can't find in his higher up interactions
wonders how someone feels about a raise.
Perhaps a promotion
There is a condition though
What to make of this
This offer
..It's not appropriate
He was fine as is
But he couldn't quite admit
Publicly at least
Attraction for him was there
The condition wasn't even degrading
How did this come about?
Despite questions
It is accepted
So it begins
After meeting meetings
Sometimes formal
Often not
Maybe a little scandalous
Grins,jokes, affection shared
Texts going around
Looking for rooms to mess around
And clean up after
Always clean up
Had to remain professional
Weren't hooligans like others
They had some respect
Time continues and so does the situation
IT worker quietly has more influence
More money
No promotion
At least not obviously
more influence is simply enough
Right hand man
how did this happen
tech guy in depth with higher-up honcho
Company climber
Increase in stocks
Assistance with own business
it all seemed so good
Higher-up had someone on his side
Back-up no matter what
Even if it was silent
It was certainly there
But this is only work
..the trips that were taken
adventures to be had
spoiling all over the place
and no one seemed to mind
fun, enjoyment, ..romance?
Who knew what it was
It was something good
Something going to last
Even if changes had to be made
Things get intense
Environment changes
Can't find out about this
IT leaves
Own business thriving now
But contact is still with middle man
still together
but the fear is gone
But the thrill..still there
who knows why
A little secret that remains
Sharing things is always nice
Even if it started with a price.

demacrux: (Default)

I am a cacophony of thought

Cacophony of expression

Staying true to myself 

While fighting this depression

I am a freak and a geek

Of this I’m shyly proud

A weirdo, artist, musician

I tend to stand out in a crowd

I have my little moments

Where I think of philosophy

They come quite often

But are very interesting to me

I desire to live with passion

And maybe experience love

But the chances of that happening

Are determined from whereever..above?

I make my own path

And will not follow you

Live by my own moral code

and definition of virtue

One day I find a partner

with whom I can be free

Though I’m independent now

Still I’d like som ecompany

Perhaps I am a transcendentalist

Updated for today

I will continue to “trust thyself”

And always have some belief in what I say

November 2014

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