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A figure haunts the backgrounds of many and comes to the forefront more often than anyone would dare admit. However, he is his space rather easily. In a time where everything is expected at once and no patience is spared, where stimulus is directed at people constantly. It's rather easy for this figure to gain prominence among people. Especially the youth. Oh the youth, among whom his presence is damn near omnipotent. One would describe him as slovenly regal.. but even then that implies some effort to look regal. There is no trying, no sense of caring. A complete boredom and indifference to surroundings. This figure remains rather present in all.. and I must admit is a rather good friend of mine. At least when it comes to certain things. It's easy to let his presence slip over you when fading out of caring about something, anything anyone. When one is so detached from the general experience of those they go through life with though with greatly differing perspective, it's so convenient to let the figure slip over and protect one from getting hurt. I've done it time and time again. Perhaps one day I'll break out from under his hold, but is it inherently bad that I seriously have my doubts?
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 I wake up this morning not planning to feel any different than I did yesterday. After all, it's only an ordinary day filled with classes and responsibilities. But as time goes on, I start to realize that something is indeed different about me..something I've sensed all along but never really contemplated as it's not really something feasible to talk about. I-I genuinely don't feel human. Not at all actually. Sure I have a human body and sometimes express said emotions that may come with the package (not well, I must add though) but there's something about me that just makes it blatantly clear that I'm not quite of this world in ways that I'd never expect. I mean I had heard of these otherkin folks and kind of got what they meant, but I'd never suspected that I might have some kind of common feeling. But here's the difference which complicates the chances of me finding any resources for my feeling: I don't think that I'm an animal or something out of mythology whatsoever. My worldview seems to be shaped more by science-fiction than anything else and I'm genuinely starting to feel a bit on the android side of things, if not straight up alien. Maybe some kind of combination of both having originated from another dimension. Yes, I know it sounds strange but I-I am being rather genuine when I admit to these thoughts.I mean it's really that strange to think of oneself as some sort of alien android being from another dimension who happens to be personified in a human form at least on this Earth? I don't seem to think so, but after all these are just the realizations that I'm coming to terms with. I really don't know if I'll ever find anyone who feels similar to the way I do, I sense that it's rather unlikely; however, I'm not really bothered by that thought. I've always been private about this sort of thing anyways.
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Recently, I've been listening to a lot of music, though that shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone. However, I've been rekindling a passion for a particular kind of music referred to as psychobilly. What it is is best described as some kind of horrorpunk, goth, and rockabilly mixed into one marvelous package, however some groups such the Horrorpops (whom I love) have a more poppier sound admittedly. Not that I mind whatsoever. In listening to this music, I find that I've been tempted to try to fall into the subculture somehow. But I've seen through the experiences of people that I follow on tumblr, that perhaps, it isn't the most pleasant place for me to be considering who I am. Another thing is, I really don't know anyone who would be interested in this type of music in the surrounding area. the closest I've got is some guy who likes alternative music on my floor but I doubt that he'd be into the music I like, determined from the fact that he really like Avenged Sevenfold (who I have a meh opinion about.though I enjoy Afterlife.)
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There's nothing here tonight be me and this computer. I don't really know what to say. Can I say that I wish I wasn't human? Because I do. I don't feel particularly connected to the human race as it is and this disconnect is becoming more and more apparent as the days go by. I_I don't really know how to express what feelings I may have. I resent the fact that I have emotions. I don't care for the fact that I feel extremely restrained in my behaviors because of the expectations I hold for myself and that others have as well. I want to write but I don't particularly have a subject that I could do original fiction about. At least not now. I love prompts, they really help a lot. Perhaps I should check for one. I could maybe get something from that. I could do another fandom based drabble revolving around a character I roleplay as.

Sometimes I just want to take on a persona, someone fearless and a bit reckless but still engaging. Daring, charming, exciting, intriguing, full of morbid good times and a devil-may-care attitude. But I'm just stuck as is. An awkward isolated delusional dreamer.
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Oh, goodness. Once again the distrust arises. I have a hard time believing anyone here when they say "that's what friends are for." What are friends? I don't really know, at least not here. These are shallow relationships, I'm always the odd one out. Always the quiet one. And when I do finally break down? Barely a check-up and then on to the next thing. What are friends here for? Who are these people? And why are they calling themselves my friends? I'm rather insulted if I'm to be honest. I mean, really? I really must not know what constitutes friendship if I doubt that consisted abandonment is part of the deal. However, I recognize it could be worst. They could be actively rude to me, they could tease me mercilessly, they really harm me, rather than just leave me when I definitely don't need to be. Alas, I shall try to make the best of it and hope it gets better, I'll have to see them all semester, and they seem to be the closest thing I got at least offline nonetheless. I want someone to be near me that I can confide to, to be close with, to really care for someone. Ah the melancholy creeps in again, the desire comes in again.The feeling for a kind of relationship that's less the romance, more than friendship... I know this is barely coherent but I felt like getting something down. It's better something than nothing every now and again.
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 I once dreamed about the fictional universes that i enjoy seeing fanart of and occasionally reading a fanfic about. I've dreamed about being apart of alternate versions of those universes where I could exist potentially albeit as a character of my own creation as there is no way that anyone resembling me would be created for any of those universes as a part of canon. I dreamed about engaging some of the characters in that state and perhaps pursuing a few uh..relationships. I admit it's embarrassing for me to put this out there so I'm not really mentioning which fandom's I've specifically dreamed about. To be frank, I've been dreaming like this since when I was younger and probably going to dream like this tonight. Thought like this preoccupy a lot of my daydreaming and my dreams when asleep. I occasionally have been caught talking some of these thoughts, fantasies I suppose out loud. Those were very embarrassing moments when I think everyone thinks I'm a little mad for doing this. I've even drawn portions of designs for the character and everything. Yes, it'd be an author avatar, I'm fairly aware of that. And for that reason I don't dare share the specifics of the portions I've drawn out with anyone. I keep these things to myself because I think it's rather embarrassing that I engage in these thoughts and how involved I get in drawing out the possibilities of parallel universes within universes. So there's that.

November 2014

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