demacrux: (Default)
 ..It's really something to be here and I'm thinking about the relationship I have to Ed. Because .. I start to sometimes suspect it's not simply and RP-er / Character thing as I previously thought. There seems to be a difference between that kind of interaction reserved only for writing online and actually having someone there that you can interact with regularly and document conversations with. I don't really know what to think of this because I thought it was just something not so unusual on tumblr.. but, it might be something that I never really suspected because honestly, I can't see myself thoroughly connecting with another character .. well not in this way. I could portray others but they don't actually have a presence with me. They simply don't. They come into my mind and then they go when not in use. This geeky nation-lad has basically just kind of like.. "Yea..I'll just be here whenever." .. He doesn't seem to care to go. And I don't mind that.  Maybe it is simply an RP-er/ Character thing albeit in a different matter. But the fact that I can and do like having him interact with folks in chatting situations makes me question a hell of a lot. In any case, I'll just make the most of this.  

And I've noticed that I just tend to write fic when I get frustrated with the relative lack of RP opportunity at least for people I know Ed is interested in though he just won't admit to anyone, well other than me. And maybe folks around here. But no one he knows from his universe. At least not if he knows that he doesn't seem to stand a chance in hell. I could write quite a bit about his mindset, though I'm sure he'd rather try to say it himself. In any case, at least some writing gets out of it. 

Silent Rage

Sep. 2nd, 2011 07:18 pm
demacrux: (Default)
You will never see me snap. Or at last I try to make sure you don't. I hate so much about what takes place in my world and my inability to change it despite how much I try. No matter, how successful i get, how polite that I am, I will never get what I request. Which isn't an awful lot.I just want to be acknowledged. Is that so bad? Apparently it is, as I will remain a joke forever more in some of yours eyes.And yet you come to me whenever you need help with something. You have this unreasonable and just plain assholish attitude towards me, and you have no idea how angry I get in response. There is the weak grin as usual that I present as I refuse to fall apart in public. I mean that would only make my situation worse. So I continue, hiding all the things that drive me mad, the notes of every single little put-down, disparage, insult, tease, dismissal, and every act of disdain for me that you have done around me and around others. I know all these things and I try to understand why. And your only possible reason doesn't even make sense. We should be closer than we are just so you know, we ARE related after all and I could like you if you weren't such an ass to me. So I should just carry on and deal with it right? Like I've been doing for years and years. Maybe one day you'll find out the extent of my feelings but perhaps it's for the best that you not.
demacrux: (Default)
So I roleplay a character pretty frequently, and the way I portray him is that he's ace, not one for engaging in anything related to sex though not sure about the romantic thing yet. It makes a lot of sense to me despite the other interpretations that I've seen of him [mostly in fanfic for their stories purposes..pointless to have a smut set up and then the protaganist just say..ah no.sorry. though I can't help but think that'd be pretty funny] Alright but here's the frustrations, the fact that he's ace usually never comes up and when it does it's usually accepted pretty matter of factly. No big deal. However today in a chatbox, someone kept denying that it was impossible for my character to not have masturbated [in context the character is quite a bit older than he seems though all the cast of this series is though they still range in human sexual orientations, as so I would think] but my thing is the guy just hadn't had much interest in doing so even throughout all this time. To make it worse the person behind the character, tried to convince me that ooc that it wouldn't make sense for a nation to not even care to masturbate, not have any need for sexual related things. This was particularly frustrating as I just don't like talking about these kinds of things and I was really ready to just bang my head against the wall in frustration. It was really triggering as if the conversation turned to myself I would thus have to out myself and who know what kind of ugh this would have led to. I just felt the need to state this somewhere as otherwise I'm just waiting to blow at someone.and can't have that over the internet.

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