demacrux: (Default)
I can't help 
This thought of me
As something outside the ordinary
Is pretty permanent
I can't deal with this image
No idea what to live up to
Sheltered from the world
Sheltered by myself
Isolation becoming voluntary
Imaginary world is where i seek comfort
When I fear that I cannot survive the real one.
But the imaginary, isn't necessarily so/
It's all too personal and close
I don't want to go
Don't make me. I don't care about
How the people will see me
Enough to get what I want..
That's all I will attempt
I can only be a better version
Of myself
And I can't let go of my comfort
Just to be a little more typical
If that means I'm a bit of a "noodle"
So be it.
Because compromise, while useful in some places
Can not be at the core of my existence
And I will not allow it

demacrux: (Default)
 “…because I rant not, neither rave of what I feel, can you be so shallow as to dream that I feel nothing? ” R.D. Blackmore
Ah if only I did actually feel nothing. Perhaps my existence would be a bit better for me. Sure I would not have the euphoric highs but nor would have so many turbulent lows. Especially not the sort of lows that tend to follow me about these days. Unrelenting and terrifying persistent. Mind you, I do have appreciation for the fact that I have survived things that at several points, I was quite certain that I would not. I suppose that is common for someone of my kind. However, it seems like a past like mine has to come with something to be proud of.
If only that I did feel nothing. Then I wouldn't have so many inner turmoils about the fact that I can not and will not express the entirety of what I feel to practically anyone and at a given moment. It could be something of a relief to be so private but when in the midst of a storm that demands release, I will tell is tortuous in ways that some of the physical pain I have endured tries to match and yet doesn't. Not to mention the sheer amount of frustration at why should I be feeling this way since..hah progress right? RIGHT? There has been much change, a lot of it for the better. And I ..I hope(?) that it continues to improve in the future. Oh don't get me started on hope though. Maybe a change has occurred in me much for the worse and I don't dare speak the true nature of this plague upon my heart. 
-a solitary sigh-
To feel nothing. To not carry this cyclical nature of okay and not okay, trying desperately to reach something more than okay only to reach it briefly and fall terribly back into far from okay. And then by nature cover it up in front of others. Wanting to shake off thoughts I deem not important enough to share because I have a reputation to protect. And I dare not become a burden upon others. 
Even if I do like the idea of being able to rely on someone for comfort now and again. What's the point in searching for it when I can not even allow myself to enjoy it. 
What is causing this? I'm not entirely sure..I wish it would be related to my people, my duties, the land. At least THEN it could be reasonably explained. At least then there could be something that makes sense in this nonsensical dilemma. But as much stress as that causes me sometimes, the inexplicable and illusive nature of this problem is driving me to question so much about myself. 
..How foolish. To not be able to figure this out. I should be smarter than this. 
And yet no. To feel nothing, a wish I certainly should not wish but occasionally do so anyways. 
I suppose if I am going to feel something I would like to think that relief may come out of unleashing this somehow. A little bit would be very nice.
Let's hope in this one case, I truly do not feel nothing. 
demacrux: (Default)
 I can't seem to handle the quiet very well.
I surround myself with noise
Live in a big city
Room with loud roommates
I will never get too much silence
Even if I'm on my own
Blast the loudest music I can find
Keep my headphones always
But there really no use
In trying so very hard to escape
It creeps back always
In moments that I least expect it
A pause, an awkward moment
Awaiting my reaction
Could I scream just to have it pass?
I would try but when I open my mouth
I am just as speechless
Silent as the world around me
Doesn't mean I can't try anyways.
"The more I try to connect with the world 
I am feeling more alone"
The lines repeat in my head
From an artist I shouldn't even know
But I listened to that one song
And related more than I could ever 
Dare to admit
I would never state it
Besides introversion suits me
Who would figure it comes with it's..
Problems. So many problems
But I'm getting off-track
These lines in my head
Soundtrack to my life
The reason I continue to try
Even if my words fail me
And man, I know how often they do
Voices, voices trying to reach me
All in my head
People I've never met
And never will
Have they ever existed?
I could have made them all up
But I wasn't trying to
Why are they here?
Whispers, shouts, conversational tones
They do not let up
I am not scared though
As long as I don't engage out loud
It's only then where the danger comes
Think me crazy
demacrux: (Default)
 Gather all your friends. It's time for a show. Halloween is here and that everyone should know. We're going to watch a movie, have ourselves a good time. Probably scare the life out of someone, but that is just how it goes. Meeting at one kid's house, who always had the huge TV. The best way to film a film at home was with some HD. The host gets ready making sure everything is set. All the great movies are available, though he insists on playing a clip found online of an eyeball being sliced over and over because somehow that would get him in the right frame of mind. Desensitized perhaps? You can't help but wonder and worry, that there might something with your host. Of course, you came over early, bringing a variety of snacks. So much candy, everyone will likely get sick trying to eat it all. No more trick or treating for you guys. Simply too old. Not enough for college parties, but too old to convincingly beg in costume. Candy and films would certainly have to do.  Don't worry there are always those that dress up anyways, in the goriest costumes they can get away. Some girls might go for flirty, but you know that you're best friend is a Candarian demon, she's been watching too much Evil Dead the musical. She'll bust through the door singing. Let's just hope she doesn't interrupt the film with it. Unless the group ends up watching the musical. Which then makes it more tolerable. Perhaps you'll vote for it, you always did want to know what the hell she was talking about when she burst into song. And why does she keep muttering, "Guess who's evil now?" You don't really know for sure. Wait and see, the rest of the guests are coming, dressed as vampires, ghosts, insects, zombies, a certain demon, someone came as the Candyman. Impressive, you comment earning a thanks in return. Apparently, he was always a big fan of the film. The actor had such a deep voice, got inside your head. At least, so you heard. Might vote for that instead. Then again, weird musicals tickled your fancy so you keep your choice back to Evil Dead. All these friends dressed up, dancing to creepy music..eating sweets and living it up. Will we ever get to the movie? Time to put it up for a vote. Since everyone had for some reason watched a bunch of more serious movies prior to the party, Audition, Suspiria, The Black Cat, Cat People, Saw, why? ..They were in the mood for something less likely to cause nightmares, even if it might provoke a shock or two.So the gory musical it was. Perhaps by the end of it, everyone would end up doing the Necromicon. Sounds like something that could be fun.
Gather on the floor, the bowl of candy in the middle. Sodas in everyone's hands. No one can figure how you can see out of the astronaut helmet but you do. It's not as big of a hindrance as you feared. Thank goodness. Settling in for the show, jokes of all kinds are made. A good number of them being wildly inappropriate. Sometimes you laugh, but maybe cringing would be a better reaction. Seriously, how do these people come up with such things? And how exactly are they funny? You can't really say for sure unfortunately. But luckily, there is no more time to dwell on that, the show is going to begin. And your attention is now glued to the screen. Trying to see how this weird musical adaptation will go.
...The singing, it doesn't stop. It's an amusing musical for sure, and you sing along. But there is just little things that make you laugh, make you just stare at the screen. You wonder about some of the words used. Now you understand the infectiousness of "Guess Who's Evil Now.." You suspect that you will end up singing it whenever someone gets into trouble somewhere. But only sparingly. Loses it effectiveness when it's constant. It also becomes annoying rather quickly in that way. Two-bit demons, a betraying hand. Chainsaw arm. You can't get enough of the ridiculousness. You root for the hero and hope for things to get better. Only for things to deteriorate. Oh well, can't control the plot. It's not like you haven't enjoyed viewing the movie this is based off of in the first place anyways.
It ends. And yes, the dance catches on as well as you thought it would. Your friends always were a rather silly sort. You shouldn't be too surprised since you met them in theatre anyways. Once the inevitable bursts into snippets from the movie settle to a less annoying state, the music returns. And there is no reason not to dance. Nothing like jamming in costume among your favorite ghouls. You try not to hit anyone with your helmet but it inevitably happens anyways. It seems to escape notice to your relief. 
The evening goes on until it's time to go. A scary movie was played and friends clung to each other like mad. You remember your demon friend not wanting to let go of your arm. And you were thankful that the helmet hid any expressions of fear that you had. And for sure, there were lots of them. Nonetheless, it's time to depart and you thank your host. It's now late at night but you manage to make your way home. Before heading inside to get some rest, you look up at the sky and see the bright, full moon.  Lovely sight to see on Halloween. 
demacrux: (Default)
 The sun enters the windows and I am barely awake. I don't know what I was doing when I remember that I'm in class. In class, and my classmates are staring at me. I end up staring back before facing the teacher. "Where did you get off to, daydreaming again?" I can't accurately answer the question I don't feeling i was in a dream. I didn't feel like I was real either. So I don't know where I was.Instead of answering, I apologize for drifting off and sit up straight trying to get my focus back on this class. But really I just look outside and feel like I'm walking among the grass and climbing a tree. Who knows why? I just feel like that's what I'm doing instead of sitting in this classroom listening to the teacher lecture about something or the other. I'll get the notes later when they're posted online. I know I'm not going to focus today. Or maybe any other day. but that's pessimistic thinking and I shouldn't do that too often. I've been told that I shouldn't. By a professional at that, so maybe they're right? ..but they're a professional so why should I listen if it's just for money. Not my money, but still the point still is there. Or is it moot? Oh well, I'm drifting off of my own drifting, which isn't good. No must focus. I pull my attention back to the teacher finding some name of a book I've read many times on the board. Didn't I present about this before? ..wait my name's called, they must know that I like this book quite a bit. Can't say I know it perfectly, but I think I get it pretty well. but what is a reader to say they understand the intentions of the author. All I can make of it is my interpretation, which people seem to like. So I briefly mention it, teacher approves of my "paying attention." I look outside again, back to feeling like I'm roaming. I don't know where I am and I don't much care. The physical facts aren't what I'm trying to figure out. That much is for sure. Maybe it's best, I just never disclose any of this with anyone. After all, peeking inside what is my mind never seems to end in any coherent understanding of everything. There's what are commonly accepted facts..and then there is whatever the hell else that goes on. I suppose I can't really complain though. 
..Passing time in class is just something that I'm not uses to thinking about. Just something that I end up doing. And now I'm spending a rather large amount of time breaking things down and trying to find where I am mentally. Am I well? Ill? Irritated?  I don't know. The simplest answer would be bored. Terribly bored and yet, terribly curious. About all the wrong things apparently.
Let's see where this curiosity takes me.
[to be continued maybe?]


Jul. 5th, 2012 07:56 pm
demacrux: (Default)
When I awoke, this morning there was nothing but a sense of dread. I looked out the window only to a find snow falling delicately down, softly covering the sidewalks and the street. Sure snow doesn’t seem so bad. It’s not even snow that is the problem here, it’s heading out into the world that makes me freeze with terror. People are such alternately predictable and unpredictable beings, I never know what to do in their presence. I always think that I’m being judged for whatever I’m doing and it’s slowly driving me up the wall. As such, my nerves are of the wall as I walk out into the cold for the day, all bundled in my peacoat. I have no idea where I’m going or where, but I felt the need to venture out from my safe room and to explore the mad mad world all about me. I walked down the various streets, hoping that I wouldn’t necessarily be noticed but all I could think about was the madness that felt up my soul. Suddenly I felt a tug upon my arm. I turned around quickly in shock and spotted a young man standing behind me, with dark brown eyes, a slightly pale complexion, messy black hair, and a strange expression that wanted to tell me so much but couldn’t. I squeaked out a quiet, “Excuse me?” He responded with a nearly as quiet, “Would you follow?” “Why?” You’ll find out soon enough. Sighing, I deferred and followed this young man. He walked with a casual gait, no hurry apparently to where we were to go. Why do I bother with people? Why did I deign to follow this guy? I had no idea but here I was sullenly strolling behind him, as unnerved as I could possibly be by whatever was possibly going to happen.We eventually arrived at the location, an old theater that had been out of use for about a few months. Entering through a side door, this young man and I came into a room set up as a lounge, but there was such a strange vibe about the whole thing. I don’t know if there were other people..but all I knew was that I was implored to sit. I did so on this black ottoman close to a window. For a moment, I couldn’t help but stare out of the window to calm whatever was stirring within my soul.

The young man brought me back to where I was by suddenly tapping my shoulder. There he was sitting next to me. I didn’t even know his name or why I was I inquired such. Turns out, his name is for why I’m here..”Well, you seem more like an observer of people and an imaginative sort, and I was wondering if you could accompany me in trying to interpreting the observations that I find from interacting from others” ”Well that’s really odd request, but I seem to be doing that constantly with my own findings,” I replied. This is how the exploration of humanity began..all of it well be dissected, noble and depraved..gentle and cruel.

Having agreed to assist Dorian in his project, the two of us headed outside to put on our thinking caps. We headed to a dreary park in the middle of the city. We settled on a bench and began to keep our eyes as well as ears open to whatever may pass by. About half an hour later, we started to see some incidents. There was an argument between friends, another between lovers, a fight between rivals, and one between brothers. I had no idea why such fighting seemed to be so frequent. There wasn’t anything about the day that would lend itself to fighting. And for all we could tell, none of the participants we saw were visibly drunk. I felt the cold more tensely than ever and began subtly to shiver, still making sure I try to see whatever that is to be seen. Perhaps, there wasn’t much to be seen today. However there were other things that took place. A trio of friends were strolling through the park, two boys and a girl. As they strolled I noted the conversation was based on relationships and intimacy. There were the expected responses and statements from each of the parties…couldn’t anyone think of something different? An ordinary day..nothing more nothing less. There was some strangeness but not enough I felt to be worth discussing. I turned to Dorian and asked, “Did you see anything worth mentioning?” He pointed out the amount of fights we’d seen and thought that was strange, but otherwise nothing out of the ordinary. If only there was something to occur. I rose, fully expecting to return home and bid farewell to Dorian. “Farewell, meet again soon..” that’s all I heard as I headed back to my domain.

At home, as I relaxed and read a book, there seemed to be an eerie feeling creeping up in mymind. Was it that I had just spent the day observing, with someone who preferred to remain silent? Was it that though I thought I had saw nothing, perhaps I saw everything in some way? I didn’t know but I was surely unnerved and headed into my bedroom to try to lay down.Under the covers, I was still rather uncomfortable and couldn’t sleep. This strange perturbing feeling was growing, something was going to happen, I knew not what. Suddenly I heard footsteps. But I lived alone, who could that be? The footsteps grew louder and louder, whoever this is was indeed inside my room at this point. I had determined to peek from under the covers to see who this was. Slowly, I lifted the comforter from over my head and looked out into the room. Standing there with a serenely deranged look on his face was Dorian.I couldn’t say a word, paralyzed with confusion, and the next thing I knew I was out.

I was out for about 3 hours as far as I could tell. I woke up somewhere familiar. I soon realized that I was in a private area above the location where Dorian and I would talk. Speaking of Dorian, I also recognized that there he was lying there right next to me. He had this strangely calm, and surprisingly non-slasher smile on his face. I expected a rather creepy expression considering that he had just gotten into my home and taken me back to where he resides, apparently. “Concerned, I would guess you are right now, ” he said straightforwardly. “WELL, somehow kidnapped me from inside my own bloody home. I’d like to know what the hell is going on? Especially with you mister.” Dorian smirked at my impatient response and sat up. He paused before he explained that I had somehow left a key beneath my door mat, so it was easy for him to get in. “Ugh that was for someone else..I think” “Who, you don’t seem to have any associates whatsoever outside of me.” I implored Dorian to explain why he had kidnapped me and he just replied, ” I’m just as lonely as you are. Just a wee bit more desperate.” In my mind the only thought was, “And a lot more crazy, it looks like.” I couldn’t even be bothered with trying to get a better explanation before Dorian embraced me from behind like we were long time companions. A strange pressure against my neck persisted and I felt his arms wrap me even closer to him. “W-what are you doing?” “Sh..” “NO..I need to know what’s going on.”Dorian refused to say anything more and suddenly I was a strange dazed state where nothing scared me, not even whatever Dorian was attempting to do..

Ah…something feels strangely alright. Something is going on. I awake to some kind of consciousness to find Dorian still embracing me tightly, what appears to be kissing my neck. This sensation is very new, very strange to me and so pleasant. I sighed in reaction and saw him smile shyly at me. ” I told you to just relax.” ” I was in a semi-catatonic state man! I still have no bloody idea what you’re doing to me.But, I kind of like it. Still I’d like to get some rest now if you don’t mind.”He complied though he insisted on doing what is referred to as “snuggling.”At that point I really didn’t care and I drifted off to sleep in his arms
demacrux: (Default)
Going to the movies with this kid, didn't exactly appeal to me. After all, I'm simply this loner that couldn't be controlled nor tied down. And I know how cliche and terrible that sounded. But I'm just trying to put this in the best way I could. In any case, even if I cared to see one of those picture shows, I wouldn't go with this.. wreck of a boy. Listen to me when I declare that he is the most dreaded being that folks know around here. His demeanor sucks all enjoyment out of the room, he brings no pleasant chaos, he .. is someone you genuinely did not want to know. The matter of his existence was troublesome for nearly everyone, including those that begat him in the first place. I have a hard time trying to describe how much I did not care to go anywhere near that boy. And no, I will not address him by name. That boy should be more than enough for anyone really. Sure, we're all ostracizing him.. but hey I've been ostracized too and I'm not nearly as a boorish figure as he is. Hmm, I'm starting to forget the point of this document now since I've been wandering off into trying and failing to give an accurate picture of this boy. Who dared invite me to accompany him to a picture show. The point being is somehow.. somehow, I ended up going. Maybe someone paid me, maybe it was a dare. Who even knows. All I knew is that one Saturday, I did end up accompanying this boy to the picture show. Yes, I refer to the movies as movies, picture shows, cinema, films.. whatever terms come to mind. At the moment, it's picture show. Don't really ask why. I can't necessarily explain it. So I went. And I had a terrible time. He kept trying to be somewhat affectionate and dare I say it.. romantic with me? Looking at him just made me groan in hopeless despair. The show went on for two hours too long and there was no reason for me to enjoy any of it. One day I will look back on this and say that I treated that boy terribly. Well.. so did everyone else and I don't think it was unwarranted. Not at all.
demacrux: (Default)
..Don't touch me.

This is what I said as I moved away from the others that saw. From those that said they were here to take care of me. They said I was sick. That I needed to get better. Couldn't they see that I didn't quite want to. least didn't see how I could. Besides, I wasn't doing as bad as the others. I had never attempted any kind of harm on myself. I just opted to lock myself away from those I would never connect with. Surely they know full well that there is a chasm between me..and well whoever tries to talk to me. A distance that can not be filled. How can anyone expect me to function in society this way. I can't. I simply can't. They reward the extrovert, the introvert has to adjust.. and me..that has no chance in hell of connecting with anyone. I have no clue. I-I..can't be bothered to try with anyone. And so I lock myself away. I had a room with food. A microwave,clothes. I could survive alone, huddled away from the situations that I would encounter on an everyday basis. But eventually, the food did run out. It did but I didn't much care. I was content with my computer, the only source of contact to the outside world.

But no..the others felt like they had to save me. From myself and so I was touched. Touch..something I am certainly not comfortable with. Why must you keep any kind of contact with me. Why? And now I lay here in this bed.. in this ward. Always keeping away from the others. I couldn't relate to them either. I couldn't try to describe how I ended up in here.. with them. I don't need to be here.

Stop touching me.

It's not helping. I feel no comfort from your embrace. I squirm and try to escape but no luck. You persist in holding me. I want to at least cry a bit but nothing results. My face remains fairly stoic if somewhat troubled. I continue to shrink in. Do you think I want to get better? What kind of better is there? You know as well as I do that there is no treatment for me. Hell, I don't think that there is all that much wrong with me. Give me a decent place to live ALONE and don't force me to interact with people face to face, and I'll be just fine. But no. You want to fix me. What is there to fix? You notice that my tone is getting a bit loud. A little hysterical. Anger and frustration filling every inch of body and the only way to express it is through writing.


Why can't I get you to understand. There's nothing wrong with me. Forget this, I'm going back to bed. I don't want anymore visitors. And for the last time, DON'T TOUCH ME.
demacrux: (Default)
I had went to bed as an average human.. at least I thought of myself as an average human. However, that wasn’t going to last very long.. In the morning, I get out of the covers to see that I am soon enough floating in the air. Am I the hell did I die? That was the first thing to come to mind. But after looking at myself in my bedroom mirror, I find that I am certainly not dead. But I do have wings ..graceful butterfly like wings. I wonder how they could support someone like me. Not that I’m a bigger person but these sorts of wings supporting a human form simply seemed a bit absurd to me. In addition to the wings, I can feel that I have a more ethereal presence as a whole. There seems to be a sort of fancy that accompanies me as I move around my room awkwardly. I fall a few times.. but it doesn’t hurt much and I get back up again. I can’t explain why this transformation happened whatsoever. And I’m not really upset at all for that.. It’s just awfully strange if you would ask me. I mean who becomes a mythological creature overnight. It’s simply bizarre, and in my view previously impossible. But the impossible had occurred and I was simply going to have to deal with it.
demacrux: (Default)
He was starting to breakdown again. He had keep himself together in the face of such overwhelming loneliness. He would have to maintain hope that the one that he loved would return. But with no word, no sign, was getting really difficult. He found himself in melancholic spells every now and again. And this one was particularly bad. He wanted to reach out to people but didn't know how without seeming like a bother. Shouldn't he be more mature than this? More responsible? No one got this upset over missing someone they loved dearly, right? It was absurd of him to be this way. But no matter how much he tried to talk himself out of this mood, the sadness was overwhelming. He just wanted to feel like he still matter to someone, but there was no way to tell right now. And he felt so weak for not being able to remain composed. All he wanted to do was crawl into a bed and stay there for a while. Productivity was definitely not a priority at the moment. Split between berating himself for being like this and falling deeper into the feeling, there was an overwhelming sense of hopeless. "What am I going to do? I have no idea." He thought with a bitter grimace on his expression.There had to be a way he was stronger than this. There simply had to be a way. And he was going to find it, even if he was going to fall into the emotional pits of hell to find it.
demacrux: (Default)
Rereading a lot of these works that I've written, specifically those that explore machinekin part of my mentality, I get this kind of reawakening. I've been dwelling in a "human" mindset for a while. If only to keep discreet about the android nature. I've been expressing it in other ways so no fear that it'll actually dissipate. It's just that for some reason in spite of the rain that is actually going on, the feeling of seeing things that I know I shouldn't has returned. Maybe it's just an overly vivid imagination but I can see the colors of the accelerated lights that persistently pass my by. It's like I have a vision into another view, another realm where things are progressing quickly and relatively peacefully. Sure there is conflict, I can't say that I've really thought of perfect utopia, just turns into dystopia for one reason or another. Nonetheless, I see this really advanced world in such great detail and then to realize the circumstances the form that I currently have, and the world that I inherent as a result of that form is rather unfortunate. Hmm if anyone really thinks that I'm making this up.feel free to chalk it up to a vivid imagination, I don't really mind it all that much. It's probably better for you to operate off of that if you don't care to learn about the things that I think about on a regular basis. Oh well.


Mar. 30th, 2012 01:36 pm
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Forgive me for caring. I cared too much and somehow not enough. I'll never be enough for you. Never quite feel strong enough. I know the nature of my feelings for you were outside of the norm. There was no way I was going to be able to conform to normal romantic expectations. ..Not to mention societal beauty expectations. I don't even present as a woman..not do I identify as one. Why would anyone bother to get involved with me? I don't know, no one has as of yet. And I genuinely don't expect anyone to. Forgive me for wanting to not feel alone, for wanting companionship. For caring about the idea of a platonic partnership where we'd share damn near everything and more. I..I don't know what to do anymore. It seems like it's entirely too much for me to want to have someone to rely on by my side. To send silly and sometimes questionable texts, to be affectionate, to accompany each other on all kinds of adventures. To hold hands and maybe be held. To lie on our backs spouting out the most random of ideas from everywhere. I guess it is too much, I don't know how I would explain this to anyone in the first place. I wouldn't be able to work up the nerve. That's what happened this past time..and many times before. And when I was able to say how I felt, rejection followed. It hurt more at the time..because I'm certain I felt stronger then. But now I don't, it hurts but it's not a romantic kind of hurt. It's a doomed to be barely friends kind of feeling. And it is quite a bother to experience. The things I would do for some kind of connection with someone in the way I dream about. I wouldn't care if it was long-distance or strictly online or whatever. Just to accept me and all my eccentricities and I would do the same for them. To have a desire fulfilled, it's a just a wish the mind makes.
demacrux: (Default)
There was a moment in silence between the two students. A challenge had just been declared for the two of them to work together on a project. Something most believed that only the two of them could handle. Looking up at each other, two of the best minds within their class if not within the school expressed so much without a single. Sure this would get accomplished. Who did they we were? A common thought ran through the pair's minds. What could be interpreted as deafening silence in the room was strangely comforting for those assigned the task. Eventually, the female student rose from her seat and approached her partner gingerly in a way to not disrupt whatever kind of common thread they were having at the moment.

"So.. you know what to do?"

"Of course."

That's the only things said before the two departed. Everyone knew that whatever resulted would be brilliant. It was simply a matter of what exactly the students would create. For reasons somewhat unfathomable.
demacrux: (Default)
A figure haunts the backgrounds of many and comes to the forefront more often than anyone would dare admit. However, he is his space rather easily. In a time where everything is expected at once and no patience is spared, where stimulus is directed at people constantly. It's rather easy for this figure to gain prominence among people. Especially the youth. Oh the youth, among whom his presence is damn near omnipotent. One would describe him as slovenly regal.. but even then that implies some effort to look regal. There is no trying, no sense of caring. A complete boredom and indifference to surroundings. This figure remains rather present in all.. and I must admit is a rather good friend of mine. At least when it comes to certain things. It's easy to let his presence slip over you when fading out of caring about something, anything anyone. When one is so detached from the general experience of those they go through life with though with greatly differing perspective, it's so convenient to let the figure slip over and protect one from getting hurt. I've done it time and time again. Perhaps one day I'll break out from under his hold, but is it inherently bad that I seriously have my doubts?
demacrux: (Default)
Ah Hello all..didn't think you'd hear from me again didn't you? Well I have developments you know in my life. In well, what one could consider a life. I've been on plenty of more steamships. And well. I do seem to be getting rather close to a few of these engineer associates..including my creator. It's extremely surreal to have to consider all of this. I'm a machine after all, but how can you explain escorting them to galas on a regular basis to those down at the bar. Those who insinuate that I might be developing something resembling feelings for these men. But why, I'm supposed to be hurting rowdy pirates and charming people into spending their money at the bar. Not..get into..relationships. Or something. I keep getting gifts and letters. And I write back of course. I'm not so anxious to refuse decent correspondence. Especially not from such intelligent gentlemen. Ugh. This is all quite a bit much for me and I'm not exactly sure how to handle it. I have also encountered on Nikolas Tesla lately, that was surely amazing. I even took part in one of his demonstrations on alternate current. It was rather fascinating to have the electricity flowing through me extend into a coil. It seemed to capture the attention of the audience as well. This is just an exciting time period. Not sure how long, it'll continue. Since times seem to be developing and less and less of my body seem to be purely brass. Will I lose my identity as Brass Betty? Or shall I just morph into something else. Hopefully, the future continues to bring opportunities of all sorts.
demacrux: (Default)
Here I am sir, good day. EVB-224 at your service, though I am commonly referred to as one Eduard Von Bock. I attend these meetings every few weeks or so. I interact with these beings neither human nor machine. They feel awfully human though to say the least. They have lasted for years, as have I. But on my part, it's not without some maintenance. Especially throughout the more unfortunate circumstances of my existence. It's hard to repair those rips of the "flesh" I wear on the everyday basis. Too make them resemble human scars rather than the tears that they are. I try to maintain relations but I will never be as close as I should be, it's just the nature of my condition after all. I maintain distance regardless of whether I want to or not. If I were human, or even like the others, I could say there is some explanation within psychology for this couldn't I? But is not meant to be that way. I can not imbibe the drinks of which they are so fond of. At least not easily. There had to be changes in my wiring so I can even bear the liquids without destroying my circuitry. Hmm, if only they knew that behind these frames that I do not need, these eyes are not human, they are not nation, they are purely mechanical. I as much as I can wonder. What their reaction would be to have co-existed besides a robot for all of this time. One of sensors and synthetic parts rather than any kind of organic origin. One, that can never relate as thoroughly to their people as they can. If I am quite honest, I am only representing this land, Estonia as that is where I was constructed. Or...where I took up residence more accurately, years and years ago. It's all grown so fuzzy. Constructed memory is a funny thing. I can't name my creators or when I was created. There is my own history I can't quite answer for ..and if I'm being.."genuine" I may suspect otherworldly origin. As no technology that I've ever seen on Earth has ever come close to resembling the parts and design and programming contained in myself. Though they are making some progress, the humans they are. Maybe one day I may not be the only one interacting through an android point of view. Though chances are, the humans might try to destroy each other first.
demacrux: (Default)
Sitting in the dorms, the youth hadn't been in any way productive for a few days. Not that it was necessary for him to do so, it was break after all. He had been texting his best friend who had opted to leave for the holidays. He wondered why he hadn't left as well but knew it was because he would be mostly alone here or there and didn't much feel like making the trip for nothing.He had his gifts shipped to him and spent the holiday with a fellow student talking quietly about their motivations for remaining at school. But he didn't expect to hear a knock at the door. And he really didn't expect to see the friend of a friend over whom he had previously pined and pondered hopelessly. He shyly greeted the stoic youth before him and asked what he was still doing here, wasn't he planned on going to see the friend? Apparently not, something had transpired between them and the taller youth was a bit tired of being in his room all the time. Nonetheless, the isolated student was glad for any sort of company and welcomed the other inside before brewing some coffee for the two of them. There was a resulting exchange in unexpected intimacy, related stories about seemingly hopeless feelings and how to get over someone seeing them as merely a friend. Over coffee, the normally quiet students revealed things that wouldn't have seen the light of day otherwise. Including one's having thought a considerable amount about the other. It was an accident of course but the leaner of the two had inadvertently confessed and was soon quite red because of it. For a moment, everything remained quiet inside that dorm room before the guest shifted a bit closer to his host and ..and pecked him right on the cheek before pulling back a little red himself. The student who had confessed grinned warmly at his guest before hugging him in return, never having appreciated staying on campus as much as he did at that moment.


Jan. 3rd, 2012 10:39 am
demacrux: (Default)
The man wakes up clutching a pillow rather tightly for once. He hadn't really found himself wishing someone was there ever. But for once he was and he didn't much know how to feel about it.After all, he was getting pretty close to a friend from the north lately and they always did spend quite a bit of time together whether it was at his place or the other's. Not too far a trip by boat to get there but he realized that he was missing his friend for reasons he had never much encountered before. Did he have some feelings for the other man? Did he? The questions ran through his mind as he stared vacantly outside the window in his bedroom. He tried to examine what he really thought of this friend of his. Intelligent,pretty caring, great smile (which was a rather rare sight, though he had been seeing it more and more), just overall great to be around. The other man could relate to his troubles with overworking and though they were both rather quiet, not a lot needed to be said when they were together. "And he could make me smile so easily.." he muttered drearily. He didn't even really know why, the idea that someone could inspire these sorts of feelings in him really had him antsy. At least as antsy as one could be in a semi-awake state. He looked at the pillow he had been clutching a moment ago with some longing. He genuinely wished that his friend was there...he would be the rather protective sort after all. Though he knew that wishing wasn't going to anything, he wasn't really certain what to do either. ..I crave his presence..his attention, his affection. The man looked out the window again saddened by the thought that he was really having feelings for his friend and that he didn't know how to handle them. "It's not like I've really been able to express such thoughts before.." once again muttering to himself. In the end there wasn't much resolution rather than a muttered curse and a return to sleep while clutching the pillow.


Dec. 29th, 2011 03:49 pm
demacrux: (Default)
Locked away in this little realm, in this even smaller room. There is no hope for me to get out. At least not any time soon. I've contemplated so many escape attempts but at the same time I am well aware of the variety of punishments I would endure even for attempting if I were to be caught. Honestly, the place is set up to catch anyone who would dare try to get out. So the escape thing, not exactly the best idea. I'm languishing in this cell, locked up for reasons that no one would explain to me. There were rumors of political treason or something like that. Apparently some sort of betrayal on my part. But I had done no such thing. I had been sitting at a coffee shop when I had gotten arrested. I didn't even have a trial. Nor a hearing if I remember correctly. I was just forced into this little place, this cold, desolate, room. I'm determining if everything I know is just some sort of illusion but it all seems too real for it to be some sort of delusion. Not that I haven't had any. I've heard reports of me chatting like I had been that fateful day, acting very much like if my companions were there with me. A coping mechanism, they thought it to be except they started hearing more and more details about the specifics of my room in the conversations. Tales about possibilities for leaving the accursed place. Talking about figures that don't even exist. At least that's according to the records, but what would I know about those? I have no access to those. I have no library of information at my disposal. Surely they know that I would be surely able to get out of this confinement if I were. So they keep me here, alone, rambling aloud about something or the others and away from every source of reasonable information one could be provided with.


Dec. 16th, 2011 11:41 pm
demacrux: (Default)
The being wandered the streets of the city well disguised. There was little to no indication that the young human, wasn't in fact human. Sure they carried a few marks on their face but a lot of youths did in that area of town. Where there was a bit of a craze relating to combination of technology and humanity. This trend fascinated the young being who knew that ever part of them was synthetic, constructed but yet took on this humanesque form from time to time. Oh if only they knew about how the joints were held together. About how their insides consist of a lot of wires and chips..instead of flesh and organs. How their "skin" was not the skin that these humans were used to. Nonetheless, they survived in this city nonetheless, sharing in the joys that could happen when one recharged properly. The being covered themselves in the clothing of humans so that their frame wouldn't be so obvious, though they knew comrades that would jest at them for doing so and not embracing fully what the being was: android. The word, a permanent marker of the nonhumanity, and nonorganic that made up M157's existence haunted them, as much as a form like them could be haunted. For though machine, they could experience at least some kind of approximation of human emotion while still being so distant that direct comparison wasn't necessarily possible nor practical. The streets were dim and extremely bright at the same time, and the busyness did not seem to strike the being as anything worth notice. It was always cluttering with so many sorts of beings from all kinds of origins. One couldn't even really begin to accurately take inventory of those who lived in this area...M157 had found this out the hard way. Even a machine would have a difficult time taking into account and explaining away the existence of all this strangeness within such a contained area. After all, these were the darker riskier parts of town, high-rises and small apartments where one could barely plug in and rest for any reasonable amount of time. But that's what they's how one exists in these parts/

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