The name

Nov. 17th, 2014 09:53 pm
demacrux: (Default)
 The name I tell you is both correct and not.
It's right because I go by it. It's wrong because it's not the name I call myself. Not always.
Not often even.
I am a person of many aliases.
I say this jokingly but I mean every word of it. 
The person you see and 'know' is only a hint at, an edited version of myself.
Guess that could be true of many people actually.
Nonetheless, the disconnect between how I read myself and how others read me grows by the day.
And to think that I allow it.
I allow it because it might be safer.
Because I can't consider most close enough to be worth the explanations.
I allow it  as any chance
Any chance of me making something of myself in this world relies on people
Reading me wrong.
And even then, what they make of me comes with limitations.
I can't say it's a very dramatic tale.
It's quiet, not a whole lot of outward tension or any at all.
Just a person with a personal view 
Much different than that which they share with certain individuals.
And even then the version is varied.
No one really gets the same me. The complete version.
Maybe similar editions though. 
These are just the facts of the life I've been living.
And probably will continue to do.
There's broadening my horizons
and sharing what may not be meant to be shared.
I fear, I do fear though
That one day that the person you meet will
Be so far removed from my actual self
The disassociation will get to me. 
And then what will come of that?
I just don't know.
demacrux: (Default)
 I didn't want to go back.
At least, I never thought that I would. But here I was on a Friday night, in this hangout that had reminded my of memories that I had wanted to forget. Somehow saddened that those that I had associated with here were no longer around. Not to mention this song..this song with a bass line to marry in my eyes playing in the background.  It didn't help. Not in the least.
In fact, I could argue that it made it worse. It's all about coming back to something that was left behind. And here it was all too appropriate to my situation. Is it any surprise that it was currently one of my favorites.  In my head, it always escalated from a sort of dreary appeal to a ever-darker desperation by the end of the last repeat of the chorus. But perhaps, that's just how I could have interpreted. 
It could have been simply about an ex. It probably might be simply about that. However, for me it was never that simple.The location, the music, the memories, all rushing around in my head as I remain collected to the general public. After all, I was just here to relax for a few hours. 
Still, I managed to keep to myself and just make the most of the situation until fate decided to somehow work against me. Seriously? How did these things happen?
There they were, the old acquaintances deciding to make a return to the area the same night I do.
These things don't happen. This wasn't a movie. What in the world was going on?
It sent a chill down my spine. I actually visibly shuttered to be honest.
'Are you okay?'
Just a little chilly, I had to respond. Even if I couldn't actually explain why I was. It was pretty comfortable temperature wise. 
I had changed since they had last seen me. I hoped that the recognition wouldn't be there. Then I could be safe. Safe to carry on with my business and get out as soon as possible. 
And because this was not a movie, of course, that was not the case. I hadn't changed too drastically I suppose.
A smile directed my way from the worst of the lot. It was careful, cautious and the most devastating for me, as sly as ever. I had to resist letting out a visible sigh. I kind of failed at that as well.  
Still, I had to return a grin as well.  The worst I called him, that's about as much detail I can safely say. Let's say there had been attraction and for the most part, I had felt it was terribly one-sided on my part. And I could deal with that. It was normal for me. But the suggestion that just before he and his group had to go that it might not have been one-sided cut me to the core. Why was nothing said? If I was too shy and he was too shy, who was in control here? No one was. And I know for a fact that he wasn't too shy. 
At least, not if his interactions with others were any kind of sign. Perhaps they weren't. It didn't matter now, did it?
Moving from the seat, I go to look to see if there are any books to catch my eye. Anything was needed to take my mind about what I had just saw. What had suddenly rushed to my mind. The song had been over a few moments but it played over and over in my head. Driving any kind of worries up through the roof.
No pressure. Not at all.
This wasn't a movie, another line that should have comforted me. And yet didn't in the least. I don't even know what to make of my reliance on phrases and tunes to get through this situation. I tried to distract myself with the books once more, only to find that I was not alone.
The worst. I didn't really want to say a word to him to be quite honest. And I couldn't really see how could be interested in speaking to me still anyway.
I manage to glance over anyway and he nods quietly contented to mind his own business for the most part. I go back to browsing, not exactly expecting that reaction. It's a bit of a relief to be honest. Perhaps the no pressure thing was actually true.
We end up talking a little despite very apparent separation there between us. I don't particularly mind this,  it's nice catching up even if I do only want to refer to him as the worst. 
Trust me, he proves this by the time I leave the store. 
Those cursed sly smiles that make me want to run away. I didn't want to go back. Crawling back to him? Not my idea of a good time in the least. Not that he was ever there for me in the first place. 
Eventually, I make my purchases and make to leave but not before the worst striking again. He calls my name. The sound of it on his tongue kind of shaking me, shattering me. I don't really want to go into how it sounded. Too simple, too familiar. 
Turning to look at him once more, he approaches me quickly. 
'We simply must catch up some more..soon.' This he draws out as long as possible, getting way too into my personal space. And i don't shove him out. I don't.
I will never understand why and this irritates me to no end. 
With a peck on the cheek (..and admittedly lips. I could only glance coolly in return to hide what I really thought of all this) and a number in my pocket, I make my way out the store.
He is simply the worst.
And I will probably text him later.
demacrux: (Default)
 I write of what I do not know. I suppose that's terribly common of most that enjoy writing. It's why it sometimes requires research. I have to get what I'm saying right. Or at least, not terribly out of reality. Even if it's rather unreal in the first place. 
However, there are things I know I will not experience as they are the supernatural, the use of characters not quite my own. Just interpretations for amusement. But when it comes to creations entirely my own, I write often of what I know not and feel somewhat insecure about not knowing. I don't know how to deal with the requited feelings of any sort. It has always been feelings left unexpressed because previous rejection has turned me inward. Unwilling and hesitant to push forward in any sort of interest. It's a theme, I can't say I am the most proud of to be honest. . I never feel like it is serious enough for me to wonder about so much in writing.  It might mark me as even younger than I appear with such a focus. 
I'm sure those that have experienced it can say how serious it gets. 
I miss out. I don't know if I'm entirely regretful of that. I don't know how to deal with the exhilaration that comes with meeting someone that strikes your chord. I don't know about finding those that you thought would be good but aren't. That requires interest in you in the first place. I hear about it. It's all hearsay or me. Or imagination. I can always pretend but I worry. I worry that pretending is not enough. Never enough.
It is a concern that I reject often enough if someone has ever known me. Out of hand, out of mind. I have an education to pursue, internships to seek out, further schooling to research. Hobbies to pursue, music to obsess over.  I don't have the time or the patience to worry about it.
But I do. I do and it's just not something that is fun to deal with. It's not. So I write about it sometimes. I write about other unknowns but the personal unknowns of emotions. Emotions that I can only gather from the secondhand experiences. Those that I could have at least a little inkling of by now, but no. Sinking into media, distractions of all sorts, I do not care for the hearsay. And saying that it'll come someday, never comforts me in the least. If anything, it's an irritation. Like is there nothing else one could say? Just please, nothing at all. It's less of an insult. 
It's almost as if I would have rather never known that these things have existed in the first place. At least then I wouldn't have had to  think about it entirely too much.   Or at least, I would like to know for certain that I'd never experience these thoughts. But because there is all too much uncertainty, all I can do is wait, write, and venture out occasionally.
demacrux: (Default)
I can't help 
This thought of me
As something outside the ordinary
Is pretty permanent
I can't deal with this image
No idea what to live up to
Sheltered from the world
Sheltered by myself
Isolation becoming voluntary
Imaginary world is where i seek comfort
When I fear that I cannot survive the real one.
But the imaginary, isn't necessarily so/
It's all too personal and close
I don't want to go
Don't make me. I don't care about
How the people will see me
Enough to get what I want..
That's all I will attempt
I can only be a better version
Of myself
And I can't let go of my comfort
Just to be a little more typical
If that means I'm a bit of a "noodle"
So be it.
Because compromise, while useful in some places
Can not be at the core of my existence
And I will not allow it

demacrux: (Default)
 “…because I rant not, neither rave of what I feel, can you be so shallow as to dream that I feel nothing? ” R.D. Blackmore
Ah if only I did actually feel nothing. Perhaps my existence would be a bit better for me. Sure I would not have the euphoric highs but nor would have so many turbulent lows. Especially not the sort of lows that tend to follow me about these days. Unrelenting and terrifying persistent. Mind you, I do have appreciation for the fact that I have survived things that at several points, I was quite certain that I would not. I suppose that is common for someone of my kind. However, it seems like a past like mine has to come with something to be proud of.
If only that I did feel nothing. Then I wouldn't have so many inner turmoils about the fact that I can not and will not express the entirety of what I feel to practically anyone and at a given moment. It could be something of a relief to be so private but when in the midst of a storm that demands release, I will tell is tortuous in ways that some of the physical pain I have endured tries to match and yet doesn't. Not to mention the sheer amount of frustration at why should I be feeling this way since..hah progress right? RIGHT? There has been much change, a lot of it for the better. And I ..I hope(?) that it continues to improve in the future. Oh don't get me started on hope though. Maybe a change has occurred in me much for the worse and I don't dare speak the true nature of this plague upon my heart. 
-a solitary sigh-
To feel nothing. To not carry this cyclical nature of okay and not okay, trying desperately to reach something more than okay only to reach it briefly and fall terribly back into far from okay. And then by nature cover it up in front of others. Wanting to shake off thoughts I deem not important enough to share because I have a reputation to protect. And I dare not become a burden upon others. 
Even if I do like the idea of being able to rely on someone for comfort now and again. What's the point in searching for it when I can not even allow myself to enjoy it. 
What is causing this? I'm not entirely sure..I wish it would be related to my people, my duties, the land. At least THEN it could be reasonably explained. At least then there could be something that makes sense in this nonsensical dilemma. But as much stress as that causes me sometimes, the inexplicable and illusive nature of this problem is driving me to question so much about myself. 
..How foolish. To not be able to figure this out. I should be smarter than this. 
And yet no. To feel nothing, a wish I certainly should not wish but occasionally do so anyways. 
I suppose if I am going to feel something I would like to think that relief may come out of unleashing this somehow. A little bit would be very nice.
Let's hope in this one case, I truly do not feel nothing. 
demacrux: (Default)
 Compromise, in most cases this was a word Eduard was rather familiar with. And not entirely opposed to it. While he would prefer some arrangements on his terms, he knew how effective a good compromise could be. Especially when there was no other way for him to get anything good out of the treaty. Not without resorting to means that didn't seem to be worth the effort. So in work, compromise not a bad idea. 
..But he was starting to think about another compromise that he would have to be willing to make. At least he thought he would have be willing to make..if he wasn't going to be alone for at least a time in his existence. Navigating the ways of a feelings that he hadn't really bothered to pay attention to, the Estonian found that his sense of attraction wasn't exactly the usual. The drive try and get physical with someone wasn't there and the idea of finding someone attractive in a way that would lead him to want to seek out that kind of closeness was unfamiliar to say the least. And the more he observed the conversations among his fellow nations about such topics, the more he found that his lack of interest wasn't exactly par for the course. 
This wasn't exactly a comforting thought as one could guess. Already having some anxiety about seeking intimacy but uncertain how to pursue it, now he wasn't sure if he should even try at all.  The thought that he would maybe have to try and enjoy an act that he was at best indifferent about for the sake of maintaining a relationship filled him with dread. Not to mention the idea of maybe letting whoever this partner seek someone else out for their needs saddened him in ways that he wasn't sure how to express. Besides that's just if he ever ended up with anyone again in the first place.  These compromises had him shying away from expressing his feelings several times before and he can't help but think that it would happen again.
Oh, how he wished there was someone he could talk to about this situation. Eduard didn't think he knew anyone who could really relate to this acknowledgement of his lack of attraction in a sexual sense and his anxiety about driving others away because of it. Not that purposely trying to keep away from people was helping in any way whatsoever. But avoiding the situation altogether was the only thing he knew that he could do for the time being. 
The whole matter was almost enough to make him relieved that his last relationship hadn't reached that part before a sudden disappearance. But no, he couldn't bring himself to feel that way especially not when he remembered how good it felt to have someone like that and how much he would give to experience the closeness again.  Still, he couldn't help but wonder how much would he give..what kind of compromise would be required for him? Would it be painful ..? Discomfiting? It's not like he hadn't participated in such intimacy before..but it was so long ago that he wondered if it even counted anyways. 
All of this had him wanted to just give up the ghost in regards to that. Besides, he had other things to worry about. 
Nonetheless,there was a shatter inside just considering all of this. And he didn't really want to know what exactly that shatter was. 


Jun. 18th, 2013 10:42 pm
demacrux: (Default)
 If what I might have for you was simply aesthetic, this wouldn't be a problem. I could live with just finding you attractive. I find plenty of people attractive. And I'm comfortable not acting on that vague sense of..hmm you're good looking. But alas, with you.. this is not the case. But do I have any basis for possibly being curious about more? I've haven't gotten the chance to spend time much, you're not often around. Understandably so, you're still trying to recover from recent events. And for that..I wish you the best of luck. I'm sure that you'll be fine. I wish I could say if you ever needed anything from me, feel free to ask. But I don't want to be pushy. Ah so much, I dread that. 

..Still, how can I know this weird thing is not fleeting if I don't talk a bit more than a brief greeting. If we don't share some time over coffee. If I don't play any records for you. Or even better..perform a song myself. Piano and voice, I don't do it often..but I would for you. I don't know why, and it annoys me a little. Because I fear that this will have been fleeting without any sort of a chance to bloom. Then again, perhaps it would save me from being shot down in a way I can never see myself prepared for. Maybe we just don't have much to say. And yet.. I don't think that's true. I've enjoyed your company before and you've..mine. I want to see more of your land..and not just for business, and maybe just maybe you'd like to see mine. 

How can I know you better..when I have so little opportunity. And the windows are so brief, it is barely a whisper I get by. How can I make an attempt with these anxieties that leave me totally dry. The reserve, reluctance..the tendency to overthink. It'll all be the ruin of me before I even begin to speak. How could I ever solidify whatever us lurking here when I just don't know when you'll be near.

Perhaps I should seek another. But I'm not good at that. Aesthetics is different from a sincere interest, and that is a definite fact. I don't know if I like waiting, but I'm sure that is something I'll do. If I ever get the chance to make learn more about you. The past you're willing to admit, I can maybe open up a bit of mine. Or we could just move towards the future when those memories in the back of our mind. I don't quite know why but before I'm through, I can't help but imagine taking a stroll with you. In the evening with the stars fill the night sky..and maybe we'll sit by the water and occasionally glance into each other's all sounds quite silly and yet all too real. The things that my mind conjures up based off of this rather ambiguous feel. 

Making a move in this department, all I know..terrifies me so much more than I can adequately show. I don't what I'm saying anymore, I feel..I worry that I'm simply too much of a bore. A dry man ..very hidden passions, reluctance (and or disinterest) in ..who could be drawn to that. It does make anything in my head any less true. I loathe this, I am not sure if I ever will admit this but I would certainly give anything a try with you.
demacrux: (Default)
 I can't seem to handle the quiet very well.
I surround myself with noise
Live in a big city
Room with loud roommates
I will never get too much silence
Even if I'm on my own
Blast the loudest music I can find
Keep my headphones always
But there really no use
In trying so very hard to escape
It creeps back always
In moments that I least expect it
A pause, an awkward moment
Awaiting my reaction
Could I scream just to have it pass?
I would try but when I open my mouth
I am just as speechless
Silent as the world around me
Doesn't mean I can't try anyways.
"The more I try to connect with the world 
I am feeling more alone"
The lines repeat in my head
From an artist I shouldn't even know
But I listened to that one song
And related more than I could ever 
Dare to admit
I would never state it
Besides introversion suits me
Who would figure it comes with it's..
Problems. So many problems
But I'm getting off-track
These lines in my head
Soundtrack to my life
The reason I continue to try
Even if my words fail me
And man, I know how often they do
Voices, voices trying to reach me
All in my head
People I've never met
And never will
Have they ever existed?
I could have made them all up
But I wasn't trying to
Why are they here?
Whispers, shouts, conversational tones
They do not let up
I am not scared though
As long as I don't engage out loud
It's only then where the danger comes
Think me crazy


Nov. 15th, 2012 04:15 pm
demacrux: (Default)

I can't help but wonder. The holidays are coming fast, and I have to be ready for my friends. I have the gift list prepared and a special account for the money I set aside specifically for buying gifts this season. I always do, I like to be prepared and have enough. And maybe if these items are on sale, I have some left over. Works for everyone. But the holidays.. I don't really know how much I anticipate them. Of course, I go to the celebrations that my people put on, Christmas markets and trees and all. It's a rather nice sight I can't help but admit. But knowing that my people will go home to their families and have time together reminds me that ..I really can't go with them. Too much at risk for that, so it's returning to an empty house. Playing traditional and seasonal music and cooking. Sure friends may stop by and maybe it would be better for me to spend the day elsewhere at least after seeing the usual sights. I have no idea where though. None at all. And somehow this really worries me. I can't say I haven't had bad spells over the holidays, but I manage to get through them fine. So I'm going to be alright..But I want to have plans. I do, I really do. 
I wonder what it's like to be loved. Consistently. I guess one could say I've known the feeling, but it feels like I've forgotten it completely. That was how brief the moment of knowing the feeling was. And though it's relatively recent, there's been enough time where I've recovered from the loss. If only feeling like I've barely grasped something to let it fall out of my hands so suddenly. 
I wonder about families. Can't have a normal one of course, that's the condition of who I am. That's fine with me. But there are some with families or at least family-like bonds that are pretty interesting to see. Of course, there's the risk of that being a rather dysfunctional one, or one coming apart at the seams. I've seen cases of both. But dysfunctional probably wouldn't be too bad, as much as there might be frustrating or embarrassing moments, they would still have each other's back no matter what. ..I guess I wonder what it's like to have that support. Those ready to defend if one is attacked or insulted even if they don't always get along well. No one should try to tell me that my neighbors to the south and I are.. no. Common struggles at certain points, and sure to assist each other if necessary. I do see them as friends..but not what people tend to assume due to proximity. And possibly ignorance about whether we even relate to each other. (Spoiler: I don't to them, they probably do to each other.) I really haven't had that kind of bond if I'm quite honest. I wonder about it. If people ask why don't I see them as family, it's something I can't really control. Can't control who can feel rather kin to even if they are rather different. And well, the aforementioned aren't those I feel any sort of kin-ish feeling towards. I can't. I don't know why. I'm alright with the Baltic association, fine. I don't care. But brothers?..No. 
So I wonder.
These are the thoughts I probably shouldn't share with people too often. They'll think that I've certainly gone mad. 
demacrux: (Default)
 Gather all your friends. It's time for a show. Halloween is here and that everyone should know. We're going to watch a movie, have ourselves a good time. Probably scare the life out of someone, but that is just how it goes. Meeting at one kid's house, who always had the huge TV. The best way to film a film at home was with some HD. The host gets ready making sure everything is set. All the great movies are available, though he insists on playing a clip found online of an eyeball being sliced over and over because somehow that would get him in the right frame of mind. Desensitized perhaps? You can't help but wonder and worry, that there might something with your host. Of course, you came over early, bringing a variety of snacks. So much candy, everyone will likely get sick trying to eat it all. No more trick or treating for you guys. Simply too old. Not enough for college parties, but too old to convincingly beg in costume. Candy and films would certainly have to do.  Don't worry there are always those that dress up anyways, in the goriest costumes they can get away. Some girls might go for flirty, but you know that you're best friend is a Candarian demon, she's been watching too much Evil Dead the musical. She'll bust through the door singing. Let's just hope she doesn't interrupt the film with it. Unless the group ends up watching the musical. Which then makes it more tolerable. Perhaps you'll vote for it, you always did want to know what the hell she was talking about when she burst into song. And why does she keep muttering, "Guess who's evil now?" You don't really know for sure. Wait and see, the rest of the guests are coming, dressed as vampires, ghosts, insects, zombies, a certain demon, someone came as the Candyman. Impressive, you comment earning a thanks in return. Apparently, he was always a big fan of the film. The actor had such a deep voice, got inside your head. At least, so you heard. Might vote for that instead. Then again, weird musicals tickled your fancy so you keep your choice back to Evil Dead. All these friends dressed up, dancing to creepy music..eating sweets and living it up. Will we ever get to the movie? Time to put it up for a vote. Since everyone had for some reason watched a bunch of more serious movies prior to the party, Audition, Suspiria, The Black Cat, Cat People, Saw, why? ..They were in the mood for something less likely to cause nightmares, even if it might provoke a shock or two.So the gory musical it was. Perhaps by the end of it, everyone would end up doing the Necromicon. Sounds like something that could be fun.
Gather on the floor, the bowl of candy in the middle. Sodas in everyone's hands. No one can figure how you can see out of the astronaut helmet but you do. It's not as big of a hindrance as you feared. Thank goodness. Settling in for the show, jokes of all kinds are made. A good number of them being wildly inappropriate. Sometimes you laugh, but maybe cringing would be a better reaction. Seriously, how do these people come up with such things? And how exactly are they funny? You can't really say for sure unfortunately. But luckily, there is no more time to dwell on that, the show is going to begin. And your attention is now glued to the screen. Trying to see how this weird musical adaptation will go.
...The singing, it doesn't stop. It's an amusing musical for sure, and you sing along. But there is just little things that make you laugh, make you just stare at the screen. You wonder about some of the words used. Now you understand the infectiousness of "Guess Who's Evil Now.." You suspect that you will end up singing it whenever someone gets into trouble somewhere. But only sparingly. Loses it effectiveness when it's constant. It also becomes annoying rather quickly in that way. Two-bit demons, a betraying hand. Chainsaw arm. You can't get enough of the ridiculousness. You root for the hero and hope for things to get better. Only for things to deteriorate. Oh well, can't control the plot. It's not like you haven't enjoyed viewing the movie this is based off of in the first place anyways.
It ends. And yes, the dance catches on as well as you thought it would. Your friends always were a rather silly sort. You shouldn't be too surprised since you met them in theatre anyways. Once the inevitable bursts into snippets from the movie settle to a less annoying state, the music returns. And there is no reason not to dance. Nothing like jamming in costume among your favorite ghouls. You try not to hit anyone with your helmet but it inevitably happens anyways. It seems to escape notice to your relief. 
The evening goes on until it's time to go. A scary movie was played and friends clung to each other like mad. You remember your demon friend not wanting to let go of your arm. And you were thankful that the helmet hid any expressions of fear that you had. And for sure, there were lots of them. Nonetheless, it's time to depart and you thank your host. It's now late at night but you manage to make your way home. Before heading inside to get some rest, you look up at the sky and see the bright, full moon.  Lovely sight to see on Halloween. 
demacrux: (Default)
 Being an android isn't half bad. Though, it's troublesome since I don't currently look like it. In this human skin, with human parts. Not even parts that I want. But these fleshing, bloody parts. I feel routinely disgusted by this form. But I have to dwell in it. I have no other choice. If there was any kind of way to get anywhere near my preferred form, I would jump on that so quickly. But alas there is no way. I write about the thoughts of my existence but  usually have to pass it off as fiction. Because who would really believe that. So many people have their points. They could believe my about sexuality, romantic orientation, maybe gender identity. Maybe. But once I cross the line into another species. No..I'm crazy. That's the word, I've been called. I write as a character. I write as myself as a human...and I write as the synthetic being I genuinely see myself. Three different personas. And to be honest, I can't really say how much of a persona the character is. Because I don't feel like I am fall into a role there, more like there is this character just residing int the back of my mind and I write down interactions with character from his universe. He is a work of fiction, not even my own. Does that really make me crazy? I don't think so. But I don't really share a lot of this sort of thinking with anyone I know offline. It's likely for the best, because really.. I do think some people have their points where they just kind of start thinking that you've gone too far. That your idea is a little too out there.  Hmm, it's not something I can really be bothered with. If humans end up being so limited in their perceptions of other that they have to coexist with then.. I don't really know what to think. Still being an android isn't so bad, makes me kind of want to have decorations that hint at my electronic nature. Maybe someday. I wonder if there are gloves to make hands seem like robot hands. That would be excellent to have. I would wear them all the time. They could be an idea of how my sensors would work. Sensors, wires, picking up data. Food--> Fuel--> Energy. Systems so many systems. The human form is not really a well made machine.'s something in itself. I wish I could study it without having to endure it's failings. Oh well. I can only expect so much while I'm like this. And wishes don't much accomplish anything.


Oct. 1st, 2012 11:03 pm
demacrux: (Default)
Read more... )
Fixes everything that's needed
All the tech news from him
Removes the viruses
Updates the systems
Does as he's needed
Always with a warm grin
Shy and reserved but polite
Occasional one-liners
Brings a bit of a laugh for such a dork
Simply the best at what he does
Expects nothing more from this
Runs his own online business in the meantime
Higher up
Middle management
Often stressed
Yells and sometimes scares those below
No excuses for anything
Quiet, tense,  socially awkward, but excellent at whatever he does
But not all work
Looking for something someone
Can't find in his higher up interactions
wonders how someone feels about a raise.
Perhaps a promotion
There is a condition though
What to make of this
This offer
..It's not appropriate
He was fine as is
But he couldn't quite admit
Publicly at least
Attraction for him was there
The condition wasn't even degrading
How did this come about?
Despite questions
It is accepted
So it begins
After meeting meetings
Sometimes formal
Often not
Maybe a little scandalous
Grins,jokes, affection shared
Texts going around
Looking for rooms to mess around
And clean up after
Always clean up
Had to remain professional
Weren't hooligans like others
They had some respect
Time continues and so does the situation
IT worker quietly has more influence
More money
No promotion
At least not obviously
more influence is simply enough
Right hand man
how did this happen
tech guy in depth with higher-up honcho
Company climber
Increase in stocks
Assistance with own business
it all seemed so good
Higher-up had someone on his side
Back-up no matter what
Even if it was silent
It was certainly there
But this is only work
..the trips that were taken
adventures to be had
spoiling all over the place
and no one seemed to mind
fun, enjoyment, ..romance?
Who knew what it was
It was something good
Something going to last
Even if changes had to be made
Things get intense
Environment changes
Can't find out about this
IT leaves
Own business thriving now
But contact is still with middle man
still together
but the fear is gone
But the thrill..still there
who knows why
A little secret that remains
Sharing things is always nice
Even if it started with a price.

demacrux: (Default)
 I swear I will have something to write on here soon. I just.. been doing a lot of drawing and I miss writing so maybe I'll type something up before I go to bed. I really hope to do so.
demacrux: (Default)
 ..It's been a while but i haven't been able to say much due to busyness..and not having all that much to say. However, now I feel like I'm in a strange spot. I .. I don't know if I have a crush per say. But I think I have something that might grow into one. It might, it might not. All I know is that I want to talk to this associate I know in-universe and I can-t wait for the outing that he had invited me on...And he pecked me on the cheek, and I'm sure that was a greeting thing I think. But goodness, I paused because part of me was definitely a bit a flutter. A bit, I tell you. So I..I'll just wait to see when Ill see him again. I hope I don't make too much of an ass in front of him because he just seems like a rather nice friendly guy.

So..there's that.


Sep. 2nd, 2012 08:17 pm
demacrux: (Default)
 No school for the weekend so far so that's been good. Ed is still not quite up to par but he's functioning well enough so he figures he'll keep a stiff upper lip and continue on one way or another. But I did make a delicious hot chocolate brownie that I'm eating now. Which is most the crux of this post. because damn this brownie is delicious. Yum. I have some hope for any cooking I decide to do. 

. ..and I rewrote Feist's 1234 lyrically from the point of view if Ed ever had someone like him again. So there's that.
demacrux: (Default)
 ...I don't know how to describe how I feel. It just.. I've been restless, moody and rather discontented a lot lately. Maybe the inadvertent in-universe isolation is getting to me. I bet it is..,I just don't know how to feel better. I mean relatively speaking I'm better than a few days ago where I kind of blew up a bit. I'm still in a spot where I'm just constant uncomfortable and it really really sucks a lot. So I guess that's what's up. 
M has college again in a few days and is dreading that because commuting being a pain in the ass. So that's also not exactly adding to the situation..but that's really their thing though I'm trying to reassure them that it won't suck nearly as much as they suspect.
demacrux: (Default)
 ..This isn't a substantial post really. But um, one of my in-universe friends invited me to a ball in a few months. A cross-dressing one mind you. So, I suppose I would end up dressing like a lady. M is helping me find what the hell I would wear for that. I mean oh goodness, this is just the most surreal thing I have ever even. -sigh- Let's see how this goes.  I primarily trust Ms creativity here because I don't know i think I would be pretty lost here.

Hmm.. to think I found something that I think would be an interesting look. But NOO it's not a dress. Oh come on, I'm not nearly as flamboyant as he is and expecting everyone of your male friends to feel remotely comfortable in a dress is ..goodness, not good planning okay.  ..I don't know. I can't go if I can't wear something I feel like would be a decent compromise so whatever,
demacrux: (Default)
 The sun enters the windows and I am barely awake. I don't know what I was doing when I remember that I'm in class. In class, and my classmates are staring at me. I end up staring back before facing the teacher. "Where did you get off to, daydreaming again?" I can't accurately answer the question I don't feeling i was in a dream. I didn't feel like I was real either. So I don't know where I was.Instead of answering, I apologize for drifting off and sit up straight trying to get my focus back on this class. But really I just look outside and feel like I'm walking among the grass and climbing a tree. Who knows why? I just feel like that's what I'm doing instead of sitting in this classroom listening to the teacher lecture about something or the other. I'll get the notes later when they're posted online. I know I'm not going to focus today. Or maybe any other day. but that's pessimistic thinking and I shouldn't do that too often. I've been told that I shouldn't. By a professional at that, so maybe they're right? ..but they're a professional so why should I listen if it's just for money. Not my money, but still the point still is there. Or is it moot? Oh well, I'm drifting off of my own drifting, which isn't good. No must focus. I pull my attention back to the teacher finding some name of a book I've read many times on the board. Didn't I present about this before? ..wait my name's called, they must know that I like this book quite a bit. Can't say I know it perfectly, but I think I get it pretty well. but what is a reader to say they understand the intentions of the author. All I can make of it is my interpretation, which people seem to like. So I briefly mention it, teacher approves of my "paying attention." I look outside again, back to feeling like I'm roaming. I don't know where I am and I don't much care. The physical facts aren't what I'm trying to figure out. That much is for sure. Maybe it's best, I just never disclose any of this with anyone. After all, peeking inside what is my mind never seems to end in any coherent understanding of everything. There's what are commonly accepted facts..and then there is whatever the hell else that goes on. I suppose I can't really complain though. 
..Passing time in class is just something that I'm not uses to thinking about. Just something that I end up doing. And now I'm spending a rather large amount of time breaking things down and trying to find where I am mentally. Am I well? Ill? Irritated?  I don't know. The simplest answer would be bored. Terribly bored and yet, terribly curious. About all the wrong things apparently.
Let's see where this curiosity takes me.
[to be continued maybe?]


Aug. 9th, 2012 01:19 pm
demacrux: (Default)
 Hmm I haven't said much to my in-universe comrades today. But there doesn't seem to be too much going on there anyways. So here I am with another post. But I have noticed that I seem to have rather.. strong reactions to..It's hard to describe since I just don't really know. You know the couple that are really ~in love~? Well I know one of them, and while some pairs one can deal with quite well this pair in particular sometimes provokes an "AH hell that's just..gross. okay. Because maybe the things they say to each other are just so..saccharine and cloying. At least I see them as such. Of course, they think it's sweet and perfectly normal and that's fine. I'm glad that they love each other, I don't have a problem with anybody being affectionate and saying things to each other. Though I do reserve the right that sometimes it just goes..too far every now and again to the point where I just get a little bleeeeh in response. It's just that gross really. And maybe someone could say oh that's just because you're still looking for someone.. well yea, I am but that doesn't mean I could find myself to be anywhere near that over-the-top with my descriptions of how I felt for someone I cared for. Hell, I know that I would even have trouble describing it..and try my best to get to the point despite whatever anxious rambling that might take place. And I just see myself as not overly romantic..I've done romantic things but it's been subtle, slight..or at least mostly private. But maybe that's just a difference between me and those who have no problem declaring their amore or whatever to the world. I'm never any good at talking about these things. 

-just hangs out with a cup of coffee and a sweet roll-
demacrux: (Default)
 Well.. in addition to having him around in the mood he is in at the moment. I had to cancel my housing application because the financial aid just wasn't helping, higher tuition and just not enough for anything. So that's kind of a bummer. Maybe Ill just join a carpool in addition to catching the bus. But at least I get to go to school so there's that. -shrug- Always look at the silver lining. Though I can't say that i'm looking forward to this year, I hope I don't end up missing out on too much.

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